A Hard Day

Today I cried for the first time since learning I have breast cancer. I saw a mother nursing her newborn baby and I began to feel the reality of my situation. I had been on such a “high” from Samuel’s birth, but now the practicality of what the next few months will bring is starting to weigh heavy on my heart. It makes me sad that I am not able to feed my newborn. It makes me anxious that I don’t know which surgery is best to have. It makes me scared to think about going through chemo with three young children that I want to give my full attention to. I know in my heart that the Lord is gracious and loving and will provide just what I need when I need it. But humanly speaking I am tired and in need of Christ’s supernatural strength to help me along.

I have been reading some of my dad’s book, Diary of a Cancer. He found out about his cancer in the month of October as well. His diary is filled with his daily thoughts, but is also overflowing with Scriptures that speak to those thoughts. Here are a few verses that have been encouraging to me in the past few days:

Romans 5:3-5, Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Philippians 1:18b-24, Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

Psalm 62:1-2, My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.