Peace in the Midst of Suffering

Like most people, I have had a number of trials and sources of suffering in my life. Sometimes those things last for a season of life, and sometimes those things endure for a long time. Sometimes those things are the result of personal sin, and sometimes they are simply the result of living in a fallen world.

When trials and suffering arise, it is tempting to respond in sin, self-reliance, or despair. But I have found that it is possible to have peace in the midst of suffering. God gives peace in countless ways: some expected, some unexpected.

One of the main ways God has given me peace in the midst of suffering is when my mind is desiring His will and not my own; when I can put one hundred percent of my life and heart into His hands. Practically, I do not always feel that peace day in and day out. But in those moments where I feel anxious, alone, sad, or overwhelmed in life I trust that God will give me the peace I desire if I find my delight in Him. As Psalm 34:7 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Another way God has given me peace in the midst of suffering is by seeing how suffering reveals my weakness and His grace and strength. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul describes struggling with a "thorn in his flesh." We don't know what Paul's "thorn" was, but it was some kind of trial or suffering. It could have been a physical ailment, a sin issue, or some life circumstance. His "thorn in the flesh" was a struggle for him day in and day out, but Paul understood that God was revealing Himself through his struggle. He writes, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Sometimes God gives peace in unexpected ways. Last week, Samuel and I took a road trip to St. Louis to visit my mom who is struggling with a degenerative brain disease. She was recently moved to the care center in her nursing home and is struggling with communication, loneliness, and fear. It was hard to see her in that state, and harder still to be powerless to do anything to make her feel better. All I know to do for her is to pray that God will give her peace. I know He is able; and I know He will in His own timing and way. It was neat to have a few glimpses of joy and peace in her heart when I visited her. She was so happy to see Samuel. But one of the most amazing moments was when we heard hymns being sung outside of her room. She cannot really speak, but she motioned and groaned indicating that she wanted to go see who was singing. We found a group of residents gathered around a piano singing hymns. We joined them and sang hymns together for almost an hour. She had so much joy and peace in singing those words of truth. She can't even speak yet she was singing these wonderful words of Scripture. In the midst of her physical and emotional struggles, God gave her peace in Him.

Lastly, there is peace that comes from knowing that God has planned every trial and suffering for a good purpose. There is a song by Shane and Shane that I love which has reminded me of this so frequently over the past couple years. One version of this song has an interlude with a sermon excerpt from John Piper. Before I had left for treatment in September of 2013, I printed out his words and had them on my wall all year as a reminder that nothing we go through here on earth is meaningless. And so while there may be countless painful moments in our lives, there is a certain peace that comes from knowing that God is at work in each one of those moments.

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totallymeaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Mom

Three years ago, around the time of my hysterectomy, I found out that my mom has a brain disease called Corticobasel Degeneration. It is a rare disease that is basically a combination of MS, Parkinson's, and Dementia.

I had just been to St. Louis to see my mom a few months earlier. Me and my sisters had given her a big surprise party for her 60th Birthday. Friends and family came in from all over. It was such a sweet time.





Currently, my mom is not doing well. Her balance, memory, speech, and overall health have declined very rapidly. She cannot walk any more, and she can barely speak. It seems that she is fairly aware of her physical limitations, which makes me her frustrated. As you can imagine, it makes me sad to see her in the this condition.

People have asked me questions along the lines of, "Why would God have them go through something like this?" When I was going through cancer I know I asked a lot of those questions. I think the reasons for why God allows suffering can sometimes be seen in this life, but are not easily seen or understood. Our "why" questions are important, and we should not be afraid to bring them to others and to God. But what matters more than the answer to our "why" questions are these three truths: God is in control, God is working for good, and God is present with us in our suffering.

I am so grateful for my sister, Katie, who lives in St. Louis and is helping care for my mom alongside Ned, my step-father. While Ned suffers from Parkinson's, but he still cares for my mom with grace, love, and humility. I am so grateful for him. It is hard to be away from my mom during this hard time, but she is in such good hands.

My dad passed away in 2003 from cancer and my mom will be with him soon. It will be hard to be without both of them in this life, but I know that I will see them again in heaven. And one day, because of Christ's resurrection, each of us will have glorified bodies that are free from the disease, pain, and decay that we had to endure on earth. In this season where we celebrate Christ's death and resurrection I can't help but have so much joy and gratitude in my heart for the salvation he has given to me. One day my whole family will have the privilege of not only being together, but of being together worshiping God our Father in Heaven singing with the angels.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,

I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;

I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,

If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

Looking Back // Looking Forward

A lot has happened in the past three years since I last posted regularly to this blog. In many ways, it has been one long “night” in my life, meaning a season of difficulty. 

In February of 2013, I found out I was pregnant. I was really surprised because I was on a medication that was supposed to "shut down" my ovaries and protect against my estrogen-receptor cancer returning. While I was initially excited about the possibility of having a fourth child, I knew the pregnancy was pretty risky, both for me and for the baby. It was risky for me because in order for the baby to survive I would have to take hormones that might cause my cancer to return. And it was risky for the baby because I had so many medications in my system. But within just a few days of finding out I was pregnant, God took the baby. This was so hard for me because I really wanted more children. 

After my miscarriage, it was decided that I should have a complete hysterectomy. It would lower the chances of any cancer recurrence as well as prevent from any more pregnancies. After having a double mastectomy, having a complete hysterectomy was a very hard to think about. I felt like my body and my femininity were being destroyed. But I agreed to the surgery, and had it done in May of 2013.

Here is a journal entry I wrote during this time:

After all the medical issues I have gone through in the past 3 years I can’t help but think, “Why God?” Why does it just keep coming!? I have realized I need to take a step back and realize this is such a short time in the big picture.  And most importantly God will use each of these things to bring glory to himself.  Maybe he is causing me to go through cancer, pain, and a miscarriage so that I can relate to each of those things and be evidence that God will carry me through.  It may not always be the way I want it to be, but that is because I am not God.  

I so often want to play God not even realizing it.  I want to be the director of the show. But it doesn’t make sense for the actors in the show to tell the director how the show should be run.  Does it? I need to seek God’s will not mine.  I need to trust God’s will not mine.

I was looking forward to giving my testimony and singing some songs at our Community Bible Study retreat on Saturday, but I ended up in the ER.  The retreat was focused on rest. Resting in Christ alone to give us strength. I have gone through so much physically, emotionally and spiritually that I am ready to “rest.”  The place that I can get my ultimate and fulfilling rest is in Christ alone. Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.” 

As I was thinking about what music I could sing at the retreat, I thought of the hymn, “I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say."   

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

Psalm 103:1-5

As I reflect back on that time in my life, it makes me so thankful that I have my three beautiful children, and that I am currently cancer free and healthy. I love the last part of the verse I had written in my journal from Psalm 103, "who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

God may not always answer my prayers in the way that I think they should be answered. So often I start to think that I am the director of the show, but I am not. But God answers our prayers in a way that brings glory to Himself and is ultimately good for us. If I pray for His will to be done then whatever circumstances may bring he will give me peace and joy in the midst of those circumstances. He does not promise to calm the storm, but He does promise to carry me through it. He will satisfy me as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him.

The Journey Continues: Joy in the Morning

“Weeping my remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5b

 

It's been nearly five years since I was diagnosed with cancer, and nearly three years since I posted my last entry to this blog. I originally intended my blog to be an informational cancer journal. But in the process of writing, I realized two surprising things. First, it was therapeutic for me to reflect and write. And second, it was personally encouraging to others. In a certain way, my blog became less about my journey through cancer and more about journeying through life, and the hard circumstances it brings, with honesty and faith. 

 

Since my last post, I have continued to face several hard circumstances, including a few that I consider much harder than cancer. I have struggled with depression, a miscarriage and hysterectomy, addiction, strain on my marriage, separation from my family, and a move to a new city. As a result, I have decided to continue my blog, writing about some of those things with the hope that it will accomplish more good things in my life and perhaps also in the lives of others.

 

For the sake of clarity, I should say three things about how I will approach these hard topics.

 

First, I am not writing as one who has "arrived." I have not walked through these things perfectly or completely, and so I'm not pretending to be an expert or guide for others. I'm simply writing to share my experience as one who is in the midst of their journey. As I have gone through each hardship, it has been so encouraging for me to know another person who has gone through the same thing. So for those who are struggling with similar circumstances, I hope there can be comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

 

Second, while I want to share honestly about my struggles, I don't think it is wise or helpful to share everything about my struggles through this blog. Some things are just too sensitive, and other things are best shared in more personal settings. 

 

Finally, I am going to approach these topics as a Christian who believes that God uses hard circumstances for my good. Rather than decreasing my faith and joy, I believe God has used these circumstances to increase my faith and joy in Him. Matt recently shared a quote with me about this by Tim Keller. In the Introduction to his book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, Keller writes,

"[A]t the heart of why people disbelieve and believe in God, of why people decline and grow in character, of how God becomes less real and more real to us - is suffering. And when we look to the Bible to understand this deep pattern, we came to see that the great theme of the Bible itself is how God brings fullness of joy not just despite but through suffering, just as Jesus saved us not in spite of but because of what he endured on the cross. And so there is a peculiar, rich, and poignant joy that seems to come to us only through and in suffering."

While Keller's words may sound strange or even harsh to some people, they really resonate with me and my story. My "joy in the journey" has increased not despite suffering, but through suffering. As Psalm 30:5b says, "Weeping my remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I have had many "nights" over these last few years but God promises us that one day there will be no more nights: the day when we are in His presence. "By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will bring their glory into it, and its gates will never be shut by day - and there will be no night there (Rev. 21:24-25)." So rather than being totally self-focused in my life and in this blog, my prayer is that God will keep my eyes fixed on His faithfulness to me and on His love for me as I turn to the promises in His Word for perspective on my circumstances. 

 

I'm not sure how frequently I'll post entries on my blog, and I'm not sure how long I'll keep posting. But for this season of my journey, this is something I'd like to do again. I hope you'll follow along, and find some strength and hope along the way.

A Puzzle Piece

God has been challenging me in a lot of ways, especially health-wise. But even more He is showing me how small I am and how big He is. A friend recently sent me an excerpt from a sermon from a pastor in Florida.  As I read it I coudn't help but subsitute my own name throughout the writing.

I like to think of my life like a puzzle-piece.  It's one part of a really big picture that I cannot see.  In fact, all that I can see is my one little piece!  I can see its colors and hues and shapes and I can speculate about what it all is and about what it all means, but that's the best that I can do because I can't see the big picture that it fits into.  I can't see the overarching theme into which my little puzzle-piece life fits, and in which alone, its final meaning and purposes are found.  God alone sees the big picture.  God alone has the box top of the puzzle.  In fact, he created that picture.  It's his puzzle.  And here's the deal: he also created my little life, with all of its colors and hues and often odd, nonsensical shapes.  And, he created it to fit into the whole of his really big picture and, in finding its place in his picture (and only then and only there), to make perfect sense. 

As a result, I think that it's unreasonable to expect that my life will always make perfect sense to me in the here and now.  My vision is too limited.  The scope of my wisdom is too small.  And God (and life, for that matter) has not led me to believe otherwise.  I go to God's word and he tells me directly that his thoughts are not my thoughts and that his ways are not my ways.  He tells me plainly that, as the heavens are higher than the earth, so also are his thoughts than my thoughts (Isa 55:8).  So then, what is he telling me?  Well, at the very least, he's saying:

"Erin, you're finite; I'm infinite!  You're limited; I'm unlimited.  By your very nature you are incapable of comprehending all of my thoughts and ways and you cannot reasonably expect to be able to do so!  Such an expectation is illogical.  Erin, there will be things in your life for which you have no explanation.  Expect it!  Things that make no sense.  Anticipate it!  Pain that seems meaningless and pointless, from your itty bitty, microscopic, puny, infinitesimally small, sin-stained, corrupted, perspective.  So, if I can just say this somewhat gently, get over yourself and stop arrogantly assuming that I am as limited as you are and that, just because you can't make sense of it all, that I won't be able to make sense of it either.  Stop with your faithlessness and do what I've called you to do: to trust me even when nothing makes sense, for what is faith?  Erin I've told you what faith is.  I've given you its definition.  I'm not hiding these things from you!  I've put it in my word.  Go to my word!  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for (not things actualized, not things already in your hands), faith is the conviction of things NOT seen (as opposed to what you can, in this life, see - Heb. 11:1).  And, there are plenty of things, my daughter that you have not yet seen (like the whole rest of my really big and amazing picture!).  Have your read the story of Job, Erin?  Have you read what I ordained in life for him?  Have you compared your sufferings to that most famous of all sufferers?  Did you notice that there were TONS of things happening in that story which fully justified and made sense of his sufferings, but that Job was completely unaware of (thus, his, and your, questionings).  Have you read what I said to him? (Job 38-42)  Perhaps you should read it again.  And, have you considered my Son, Jesus.  Who left all of heaven with all of its glories to suffer trials and temptations like no other man (even you).  A man of sorrows who can fully sympathize with your weaknesses, yet without sin.  And a man who, on the cross, asked 'why?'  Now there's something you can relate to!  And what was the answer.  Well, in that moment, there was no answer.  But you know that answer, Erin, don't you?  The answer is 'for you.'  You're not supposed to know the answers to every question life leads you to pose (and there will be many).  I am supposed to know the answer and here's the thing: I do.  You are supposed to trust in me and when you doubt my love or goodness, you're supposed to go to the cross, over and over and over again, where my love for you is forever and indelibly written in the most precious ointment ever fashioned: the blood of my precious Son.  It is a healing balm for the troubled heart and mind.  So, Erin, stop with your fussing.  Enough with your anger (put it away).  Quit demanding answers that you are not even equipped to understand and run instead to my cross, which was a tree of death to my Son, but which is a tree of life to you.  Eat the fruit of his body and blood and come home, my son, to the Father who loves you, who collects all of your tears in his bottle (Ps. 56:8) and who promises one day to wipe them all away (Rev. 21:4) as I reveal to you the great beauty of your life as it finally finds its place in my picture.  There, the colors and hues and odd, nonsensical shapes will suddenly make sense.  And there you will stand in awe of how I can take even the darkest, most evil, awful things (like the unjust murder of my own Son, for example) and, out of them, bring light and beauty and goodness and life.  Come home, my daughter.  Do not delay."

I pray that I will continuously be reminded of these truths.  I had a CT scan of my kidneys and an MRI of my brain a few days ago.  I read this during the days that I was awaiting the results of those tests.  My life could have, once again, taken a dramatic turn.  But what seems dramatic to me would have just been one small blip in the scheme of things.  One more small way that Christ wanted to show his glory. 

Thankfully those tests came back with no metastatic disease.  Praise the Lord!  I will have a couple more tests next week.  I would appreciate continued prayers as I get those tests done and prepare for my reconstructive surgery on May 1st.

I Don't Know Why

I don't know why...
 
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I have had some bleeding problems for the past 6 months.  They finally decided that I need to have a CT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy procedure to rule out kidney disease or bladder cancer that my chemo could have caused.  
 
I don't know why I got cancer...
I don't know why I had to do treatments...
I don't know why I was allergic to the treatment...
i don't know why they found more...
I don't know why my surgery went wrong...
I don't know why my body developed heart issues...
I don't know why my body is so weak...
I don't know why my kidneys are having problems....
 
All I KNOW is that God is in control and he WILL NOT give me anything that I cannot handle with His help.  

All I KNOW is that God is giving me these trials in my body to draw me to have a deeper dependance on Him.

All I KNOW is that it is not my job to worry about my health, but trust that the great physician will heal me completely, whether that be here on earth or in heaven.

All I KNOW is that I have the joy of giving Christ the glory in all circumstances because he is my King!
 
I was reading in the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow and she spoke to my heart through a chapter focusing on Habakkuk and the "why" question:
 

Habakkuk was to live by faith. This same statement is repeated three times in the New Testament: "The just shall live by faith" (Romans 1:17; Galatians 3:11; Hebrews 10:38). In other words, God didn't explain why; instead He told Habakkuk to trust Him with all his whys. Habakkuk was to trust God for what he didn't understand, what he couldn't see. He was to walk in the dark with God.
 
From a human perspective, this answer is frustrating. We want to know why. Surely God should explain Himself to us. Sometimes He does, but often He does not. God is God and He doesn't need to explain Himself. If we could fully comprehend God, He wouldn't be God -- He would be like us. In those instances when God doesn't tell us why, we will have to wait until we're in heaven for our answers.
 
Habakkuk realized this. Although he didn't get the response he wanted, he affirmed that God is God, in spite of Habakkuk's human lack of comprehension. Habakkuk praised God in his spirit, yet in his body he was quaking in his boots! "I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress, for the people to arise who will invade us (Habakkuk 3:16)."
 
I love this description of this dear saint -- trembling, in agony of spirit, in so much pain that he said his bones were decaying! This encourages me, as my body often rebels when I'm trying to trust in my spirit. And even though his body and soul were quaking, Habakkuk declared what I believe is the most beautiful proclamation of faith in the Bible.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places (Habakkuk 3:17-19).

 
What an incredible statement of trust in God!
 
My hope is that I will not keep asking myself why, but that I will trust God with all the whys. Please pray that I can get these tests done and have nothing to worry about before I go in for my final surgery. Thank you for your prayers!
 

My Heart My Help

Last Monday was a very scary day. Just when I start getting comfortable with day to day life, God gave me a reminder that I need to trust in Him and not in myself. Monday was that reminder for me.

I had been having some heart palpatations over the past couple weeks. I would get dizzy, light headed, my heart would beat very fast, and then it would stop for a few seconds before regulating itself again. Matt started getting a little worried about these events because they were getting more intense and more frequent. He suggested that I go into the doctor first thing on Monday morning.

So I went in to see my GeneralPpractitioner and she did an EKG to see if everything looked okay. After they did the EKG, the doctor came into the room with a very worried look on her face. She told me she was going to call an ambulance and have me transferred to the ER. Apparantly my EKG was abnormal and along with some other symptoms and having had radiation and chemo she wanted to rule out a heart attack. I tried to tell her that I was perfectly capable of driving to the ER, or that my husband could come and take me there, but she insisted on the ambulance. Well, the ambulance experience alone was about enough to cause a heart attack! 
They did another EKG at the hospital which again came back  abnormal. They did several other tests and soon ruled out a heart attack. Praise the Lord! Soon after my tests, Matt arrived at the hospital. We waited for a couple of hours, and eventually a cardiologist came in to meet with us. He had suggested admitting me for tests and monitoring, but that didn’t seem necessary (and I wanted to get home in time to take Lydia to gymnastics!). So he gave me a small heart monitor to wear for 24 hours.

I met again with the cardiologist yesterday (Friday) and he did an echocardiogram (ultrasound) of my heart. His speculation is that my abnormal heart rhythm is something caused by my chemo treatments. But he still wants to do a stress test and have me wear a heart monitor for 30 days. Just another reminder that my body is broken, but one day will be whole and perfect! 

Today I was reading a daily reading by Charles Spurgeon from Morning by Morning, which I have posted below. It was such a good reminder that God will help me. He is the Almighty Heavenly Father. If He can care for my soul by sending Jesus to pay for my sins on the cross, how easy is it for him to heal my body? It is my responsibility to trust that he is loving and faithful and will not harm me. 

This morning let us hear the Lord Jesus speak to each one of us: "I will help thee." "It is but a small thing for me, thy God, to help thee. Consider what I have done already. What! not help thee? Why, I bought thee with my blood. What! not help thee? I have died for thee; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help thee! It is the least thing I will ever do for thee; I have done more, and will do more. Before the world began I chose thee. I made the covenant for thee. I laid aside my glory and became a man for thee; I gave up my life for thee; and if I did all this, I will surely help thee now. In helping thee, I am giving thee what I have bought for thee already. If thou hadst need of a thousand times as much help, I would give it thee; thou requirest little compared with what I am ready to give. 'Tis much for thee to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow. 'Help thee?' Fear not! If there were an ant at the door of thy granary asking for help, it would not ruin thee to give him a handful of thy wheat; and thou art nothing but a tiny insect at the door of my all-sufficiency. 'I will help thee.'"

O my soul, is not this enough? Dost thou need more strength than the omnipotence of the United Trinity? Dost thou want more wisdom than exists in the Father, more love than displays itself in the Son, or more power than is manifest in the influences of the Spirit? Bring hither thine empty pitcher! Surely this well will fill it. Haste, gather up thy wants, and bring them here-thine emptiness, thy woes, thy needs. Behold, this river of God is full for thy supply; what canst thou desire beside? Go forth, my soul, in this thy might. The Eternal God is thine helper!

In the hymn How Firm A Foundation, the hymnwriter says “Fear not I am with thee; O be not dismayed! I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.”

"I will help you," says the Lord.

Isaiah 41:14

The Butterfly Parable

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and was given a precious reminder about how God uses our struggles to strengthen us. She told me this parable about the struggle that happens when a caterpillar is becoming a butterfly.

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it. The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly. The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge.

One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out. At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress! The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand. But neither happened! The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

This story is sad, but at the same time it is a comforting reminder of how God has designed things to be. Everyone goes through some kind of struggle or suffering, whether it is a matter of health, relationships, employment, or something else. But the Bible tells us that suffering is not in vain; it will strengthen our character (Rom. 5:1-5) and it will work for our good (Rom. 8:28).

Recently I got up the nerve – for the first time in the past year and a half – to go back and read some of my first few entries in this blog. Reading my own words about my physical pain and emotional struggles was like seeing the struggle of the caterpillar before my very eyes. But I am so thankful that I can look back and see how God has used those things to strengthen me and work for my good. As 1 Peter 4 says, we can entrust our souls to our faithful Creator in the midst of our suffering, knowing that he has created us – and our suffering – and is using it for his good and beautiful purposes.  

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:12-13

I'll Be Home

I was reminded of a very profound truth this past week that has given me a lot of encouragement and peace. It is from the book, "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis:

The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasantness, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home…God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

As I go through daily struggles in this life it gives me such joy and encouragement to be reminded by those trials that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. Throughout this journey of cancer I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I don't have enough energy to make it through the day I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I am running an uphill race that is never going to end I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven.

This is not to say that God does not have me here on earth for no reason. I am here to accomplish what he wants me to and he has given me purpose in every single thing that has happened in my life. I may not even know what those purposes are, but I do know: I am here to serve him, and enjoy him and I have a wonderful home waiting for me in heaven. As Paul says, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:20)."

When I was in high school I sang a song called “I’ll Be Home” in a musical that was written by a woman from my church, Janett Sugg. A few years later, I sang that same song with my sister at my dad's funeral. The words are so simple and so true. You can read them and hear the song below.


I’ll Be Home
Music and Lyrics by Janet Sugg
When I close my eyes I dream,
Of the place that waits for me.
There is happiness like I have never known,
It’s a place that I can finally call my own.
I’ll be home.

I will leave behind the tears,
Disappointments, sorrows, fears.
For the peace within my heart will overflow,
I will never be afraid or all alone.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
And the Lord will call my name,
Promise me I’ll live with him always.
And his smile will be like sunshine on my face.
I will find the love I’ve longed for in that place.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
I’ll be home, home, I’ll be home.
I’ll be home.

Close your eyes and dream with me,
Hear the laughter, feel the peace.
Leave behind the cares that hold you in this life.
There is so much waiting for you, come with me.
Come with me.

We’ll be home, home, home.
We’ll be home, home, we’ll be home.
We’ll be home. We’ll be home. We’ll be home.

Medical Update: Erin's Surgery Tomorrow

Posted by Matt Fray

Tomorrow (Friday, December 30th), Erin will have one more surgery. This will be her fifth and final major cancer-related surgery this year. For an overview of what this surgery involves, you can read about it in her previous blog post. The surgery should last about 4 hours and she should be able to go home by Sunday.

While we are grateful for many things relating to this surgery (a good doctor, a surgery date before the New Year, loving family and friends who will help us with childcare and meals), we are both really dreading going through the surgery process once more. In many ways (physically, emotionally, spiritually), Erin is not quite over her ordeal in October, so it is hard to think about her taking on another challenge. I think she feels like a weary runner who is just two miles away from completing a marathon, only to discover that the last two miles of the course are uphill. Even though the finish line is closer than it has ever been, it is hard to muster the mental and physical strength needed to run the race well to its completion.

Of course, God is teaching us a lot about how to persevere through the hard times of life. When afflictions come, whatever their nature, God does not desire us to have an arrogant resilience nor a faithless despair. Rather, God calls us to trust in his sovereign presence and power, and by that trust to persevere in faith. The Puritan pastor Thomas Lye put it this way:

Times of adversity are seasonable times to trust in God. When we have no bread to eat, or water to drink, but only afflictions and astonishments, this is a time not for over-grieving, murmuring, sinking, desponding, despairing, but for trusting. In a tempest a believer must cast his anchor upward. Trust is a believer’s choicest antidote against fainting, swooning, and sinking…God often brings his people such afflictions that they do not know what to do. He does this that they might know what he can do. God is with his people at all times, but he is most sweetly with them in the worst of times.

More than once in recent weeks Erin and I have found ourselves fighting against the natural responses of grieving and murmuring as we have thought about tomorrow's surgery. We have had to ask God to give us the childlike faith he calls us to have (Luke 18:17) and the peace that passes understanding that he alone gives (Philippians 4:7).

As Erin goes in for her surgery tomorrow, please pray for three specific things. First, please pray that God would give us faith and peace. Those things have not come easily to either of us lately, and they are especially needed over the next few days. Second, please pray that the surgery would go smoothly. For those of you who have been keeping up with Erin personally or through this blog, you know that she doesn’t have a very good track record in terms of smooth surgeries, so it will only be by God’s special grace if this one goes well! Third, please pray for Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel, and for the family and friends who will care for them over the next few days. We are so thankful for those who are helping out, but will still be hard to be apart from them once more.

Thank you so much for your faithful prayers and encouragement! I will be sure to post another medical update following Erin's surgery tomorrow.

The Encouragement of Jesus' Suffering and Sympathy

As we enter this Christmas season, I have found myself continually reminding my children what Christmas means and why we celebrate it for a whole month. All of us, especially our children, are surrounded by wrong ideas about Christmas, and so it is so important to keep the real meaning of Christmas in the forefront of our minds. Christmas is the celebration of Jesus Christ, the eternal Son of God, becoming a human being in order to save us from our sin.

Sometimes I forget the fact that Jesus’ life as a human being was a life very much like ours. I was reminded of this recently from something I read as a part of my daily Bible reading. [By the way, if you are looking for an easy and organized approach to reading the Bible and you have an Apple device, I highly recommend the Reading Plan app.] In Hebrews 4:14-16 we are reminded that Jesus lived a life of weakness, suffering, and temptation, just like us. The only difference is that Jesus never sinned.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Reflecting on the details of the life Jesus lived on this earth is both humbling and encouraging. It is humbling because it reminds us that our sin was the reason he came to earth and experienced weakness, suffering, temptation, and ultimately, death. And it is encouraging because, as the verses above tell us, Jesus’ experience on earth makes him able to sympathize with us as we deal with our weaknesses, sufferings, and temptations. And as we go struggle with those things, we can look to Jesus not only for sympathy, but also for mercy and grace. None of us can deal with something like suffering without sinning. In fact, suffering usually reveals more of our sins to us, forcing us to see our need for Jesus’ mercy and grace.

As we enter this Christmas season, I am praying that I will keep the realities of Jesus’ birth and life in the forefront of my mind. And I am praying that Jesus’ sympathy, mercy, and grace will continue to be a great comfort and encouragement to me as I continue on in this life of weakness, suffering, and temptation.

Thanksgiving Blessings

I was so blessed to be able to spend Thanksgiving with my family this past week. We traveled up to Lookout Mountain, Georgia, to be with my aunt and uncle, my cousins and their families, my grandparents, my mom and her husband, and my sisters and their families; that’s a total of 26 people comprised of 9 family units representing four generations. Needless to say, some of the logistics were a bit crazy (fourteen of us – including six children under the age of five – stayed in one three bedroom house). But to be together, and to be reminded of God’s covenant faithfulness to those four generations, was a fun and beautiful thing. It has been hard for me to live far away from my family, especially during this past year, so I really value the time I am able to spend with them.

It was especially neat to sit down with all 26 people in one room and spend time hearing how the Lord has been working in each family’s life over the past year. I shared about how I have seen God care for my body and my soul in this past year. Last Thanksgiving, I had just started losing my hair because of my chemotherapy treatments, and I was dealing with a harsh allergic reaction to the contrast dye used in a recent MRI. This Thanksgiving, I am cancer free and can point to a multitude of things God has taught me through both good circumstances and hard circumstances. I am so thankful for what God has done in this past year!

During our family’s last meal together my grandfather read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

            For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

            a time to be born, and a time to die;

            a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

            a time to kill, and a time to heal;

            a time to break down, and a time to build up;

            a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

            a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

            a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

            a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

            a time to seek, and a time to lose;

            a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

            a time to tear, and a time to sew;

            a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

            a time to love, and a time to hate;

            a time for war, and a time for peace.

It was neat to reflect on how these verses applied to my year, as well as to those of my other family members. God has given me times to heal, times to weep, times to laugh, times to embrace, times to speak, times to lose, and times to love. Not all of those times have been easy, but they have all been given to me in God’s wisdom and faithfulness. What a comfort it is to know that our times are in His hands (Psalm 31:15)!

After the Last Tear Falls

I have been thinking a lot about the events of 9/11 over the past few days. My husband will be preaching a sermon this Sunday (the 10th anniversary of 9/11) about how Jesus commands us to love our enemies just as God loved us when we were his enemies. And so this week we have been watching a lot of the documentaries on TV related to 9/11. It is so amazing and sad to realize just how many people have been effected by just one event on one day. Once again I have been reminded just how much suffering there is in this world! 

In comparison to a big event like 9/11, I feel like my health issues are so small. Of course, everyone has their struggles - and no matter the size or intensity of the struggles, they are equally real for those who are experiencing them. It all makes me long for the day when pain and death will be no more and every tear will be wiped away. I was reminded of that promise by a friend this past week: "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away (Revelation 21:4)."

The song, "After the Last Tear Falls," by Andrew Peterson really captures the truth of that promise, and our longing for it, so clearly. I encourage you to listen to it and read the lyrics (below). 

"After the Last Tear Falls" by Andrew Peterson

After the last tear fall, after the last secret's told, 

After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone,

After the last child starve, and the last girl walks the boulevard, 

After the last year that's just too hard.

There is love; love, love, love.

There is love; love, love, love. 

There is love.

After the last disgrace, after the last lie to save some face, 

After the last brutal jab from a poison tongue,

After the last dirty politician, after the last meal down at the mission, 

After the last lonely night in prison. 

And in the end, the end is oceans and oceans of love and love again.

We'll see how the tears that have fallen, were caught in the palms,

Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all.

And we'll look back on these tears as old tales.

'Cause after the last plan fails, after the last siren wails,

After the last young husband sails off to join the war,

After the last "this marriage is over,"

After the last young girl's innocence is stolen,

After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open. 

Finally, thank you for all of the prayers for Hudson's surgery. It went very well and he is making a smooth recovery!

I've Already Started to Forget...

This past Sunday our pastor, John Fender, preached a very eye-opening and convicting sermon called, "God and Our Forgetfulness." The sermon was on Deuteronomy 8 where Moses repeatedly tells the people of Israel to remember what God has done (delivering them from Egypt) and said (the Ten Commandments) as they prepared to enter the Promised Land. Moses knew it was easy to be aware of those things during the difficult times in Egypt and the wilderness, but it would be harder to remember those things when they began enjoying the rest and comfort of the Promised Land. In other words, we need to fight against our natural tendency to become complacent in our faith when life gets comfortable. If we don't "feel" our need for Christ it is easy to forget about him and become lazy about depending on him completely.

The sermon helped me realize that I so easily fall into complacency. In many ways, I have already started to forget what God has taught me in the past year. I need to remember that God's word is true all the time and I should be trusting in it all the time. In going through cancer, I have been forced to look to God and I have been trying hard to see how he is using this for my good and his glory. More than anything else, I have seen God's faithfulness to me through people's prayers, encouraging words, and acts of help and support. I have seen God's faithfulness through wise doctors and good medical reports. But I have already started to forget these things! I have found myself once again trying to control my life and my circumstances and not looking to God and his truth on a daily basis.

Of course, God knows my heart and is always working to build my faith whenever it is weakening. Since this sermon was preached on Sunday I have found out about two new things I will need to depend on God for. On Monday, I found out that Hudson will have a surgery next Thursday (9/8) to remove his tonsils and adenoids. It is one thing for me to have surgery and be the one experiencing the pain, discomfort and uncertainty, but when it is my child that is something completely different. I have not experienced one of my children having surgery before, so I will certainly have to depend on God to take care of Hudson and to give me peace. Also, I found out today that I will have my reconstructive surgery six weeks from today on Samuel's first birthday (10/12). I am a bit nervous about having surgery again, both for what it will mean for me and for what it will mean for my family. But God has proved his faithfulness to care for every detail before, and he will do it again.

Please pray me in all this. And pray for my dear, sweet Hudson. Pray that he will have peace that passes all understanding and that this experience, in some way, will bring his heart (and mine) closer to Christ.

God and our Forgetfulness from John Fender on Vimeo.

All Things for Good

Post by Matt Fray

For the past several days I have been reading over Jonathan Edwards’ “Resolutions.” I will be teaching a short series on making God-centered goals in the Jr. High and Sr. High class at our church, and we will be using Edward’s seventy resolutions as a model for making God-centered goals for our own lives.

While many of Edwards’ resolutions are incredibly convicting, one in particular stood out to me because it applies so directly to my life right now. Edwards’ sixty-seventh resolution states, “Resolved, after afflictions, to inquire what I am the better for them, what good I have got by them, and what I might have got by them.” Edwards’ language is a bit awkward compared to how we speak today, but his point is simply this: you should think about how your affliction has made you a better person and worked for your good. While most people would rather forget about their affliction once they are past, Edwards suggests it is important to reflect on how your affliction influenced you. More than that, he suggests that afflictions influence us for good. That something good can come from something bad isn’t just a nice poetic idea, but an incredible biblical truth. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” According to the Bible, the God rules over our lives with such wisdom, power, and love that he designs even our afflictions for our good.

It may take some people days, months, or even years to discern how a particular affliction made them a better person or worked for their good. In most cases, the affliction needs to be resolved and life needs to be “back to normal” for a season before you can look back and see the good the affliction brought you. Of course, sometimes a person’s affliction may be so painful or confusing that they are never able to see any way their affliction was good for them. But just because we sometimes have a hard time seeing the good in our afflictions doesn’t mean the good isn’t there. We need God to give us the wisdom to see how it is He has designed all things – even the hard things – for our good.

By God’s grace, Erin and I have been able to see a lot of good things come from her cancer. This is not to say there haven’t been hard things that have happened or that will happen in the future. It is simply to say that despite everything difficult, we have seen God use her cancer for our good in several ways.

1. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by increasing our dependence on God, especially in realizing the privilege of prayer and the power of God’s Word.
2. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by deepening our understanding of God’s design for suffering and how He calls His people to respond when they suffer.
3. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by giving us a profound appreciation for each day of life, for our children, and for each other.
4. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by reassuring us that God will provide all that we need.
5. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by teaching us to be thankful for the friends and family who have loved us and supported us during this process.
6. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by helping us identify with and minister to others who are dealing with various afflictions.
7. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by giving us a better perspective on how minor our afflictions are compared to the more serious and lasting afflictions many others experience.
8. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by giving us a renewed appreciation for Erin’s dad and the way he used his cancer for the good of so many.
9. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by loosening our affections on the things of this world.
10. The affliction of Erin’s cancer has worked for our good by increasing our hope for Heaven.

I’m sure we will add to this list in the days, months, and years to come. And Lord willing, when we face other afflictions in our lives, we will always walk through those difficult times with an eye for how God is working for our good.

Being Reminded of God's Word // July Update

I have not felt very “inspired” to write any entries for my blog lately. I have been very busy and have been feeling somewhat discouraged with my body. I know that is no excuse. It is good to make myself sit down and just listen to what God has to say to me through His word and take time to reflect on what he is teaching me through these trials, and I have not done that lately. 

I have been receiving encouraging letters from a dear friend over the past 5 months. She has been so dedicated to writing me every week and giving me encouraging thoughts and words from God’s word. When I opened my friend’s letter this week I was reminded of the importance of listening to what God is teaching me through these trials. She enclosed the words from 2 Corinthians 4:7-14. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.”

Whatever I am going through here on earth, I am not alone. God’s grace is holding me and renewing me day by day. I am praying that I would “not lose heart” because the life of Christ is being revealed. 

I am finishing up my final 10 treatments of radiation. Radiation itself has gone smoothly so far. The only side effects I have experienced have been fatigue and burned/irritated skin. Other than that I have been dealing with multiple sinus infections and a chronic cough that has yet to be diagnosed. I will be starting a new medication in two weeks that is kind of like an oral chemo (Tamoxifen). I will take it for 3-5 years in order to prevent my cancer from coming back. I am a little worried about this medicine because the two main side effects are blood clots/stroke, and uterine cancer. It is hard for me to justify doing these various cancer treatments when I don’t know if they will do more harm than good. But I just need to trust the fact that God has put my doctors over me and is using their knowledge and wisdom about these illnesses in order to help me.

I would appreciate prayers as I enter into this new phase of treatment. Pray that my body will stay strong and energized as I take care of my three precious children. Pray that my mind will stay positive, joyful, and focused on Christ as I move ahead. Also, please pray for an interesting opportunity I have to share my story this weekend. I have been selected to participate with several other breast cancer survivors in the American Cancer Society’s “Voices and Faces” campaign which will highlight breast cancer during the month of October. I have a photo shoot and interview at WSAV on Saturday, July 23rd. This is an exciting opportunity for me to share my story and what God has been teaching me during this journey. Please pray that God use me to glorify him through that interview.

Erin and Samuel.



We are missing out on U2's tour of the United States this Summer, so
Lydia decided to dress up as Bono and give us a performance instead!



Samuel's first haircut.



Samuel has learned to crawl, pull-up, cruise, and walk a little in the past few weeks.
He seems to get himself into all kinds of interesting situations with his new skills!



Lydia and Bethany on July Fourth.



Matt, Lydia, and Hudson waiting for the July Fourth fireworks to begin.

The Advantages of Affliction

A few weeks ago Erin posted a wonderful poem by the pastor and hymn-writer John Newton, one of the most famous and beloved figures of the 18th Century Evangelical Revivals in England. I recently came across a letter Newton wrote to a member of his congregation in which he describes the “advantages of afflictions.”

Newton writes, “The advantages of afflictions, when the Lord is please to employ them for the good of his people, are many and great.”
1. Afflictions quicken us to prayer.
2. Afflictions are useful, and in a degree necessary, to keep alive in us a conviction of the vanity and unsatisfying nature of the present world, and all its enjoyments; to remind us that this is not our rest, and to call our thoughts upwards, where our true treasure is, and where our conversation ought to be.
3. Afflictions give us a more enlarged and experiential acquaintance with his holy word.
4. Afflictions give us occasion to know and notice more of the Lord’s wisdom, power, and goodness, in supporting and relieving, than we should otherwise have known.
5. Afflictions evidence to ourselves and manifest to others the reality of grace.
6. Afflictions advance our conformity to Jesus our Lord, who was a man of sorrows for our sake.
7. Afflictions increase our desire for heaven.

It certainly has been our experience that afflictions have many advantages, and by God’s grace, many of the things Newton names on this list have been fruits of the affliction in our lives in recent months.

I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow

Several years ago, Matt and I came across a poem by John Newton called, “I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow." You can read it below. We were both struck by the beauty and truth of Newton’s words, so we framed the poem and hung it on our bedroom wall. A couple years later Indelible Grace wrote a hymn tune to the poem (see video below). I have been thinking a lot about Newton's poem lately. It has really help put my thinking about prayer and suffering into a better, more biblical perspective.

I have grown up in a Christian home all my life, but it was not until high school that I really started to grasp true Christianity and made my faith an internal relationship with Christ rather than an external religion only. In college I began praying specifically that God would use me for His glory in whatever way He saw fit and that I would grow and understand His salvation more deeply. And God answered that prayer, as Newton’s poem suggests, largely through many trials that I had and continue to have in my life: dealing with the death of my father, living far from home, and now battling against cancer. I can say with confidence that God is answering my prayer. Life is not about our circumstances, but is about our relationship to God and our awareness of what He has done for us in Christ and is continuing to do for us each day. God is answering my prayer by teaching me that life is not about being in a “happy” place in life, but is about glorifying Him.

Now, I need to pray that God will continually remind me of these truths so that I might find “joy” in Him every day!

I Asked the Lord That I Might Growby John Newton (1779)

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5