Looking Back // Looking Forward

A lot has happened in the past three years since I last posted regularly to this blog. In many ways, it has been one long “night” in my life, meaning a season of difficulty. 

In February of 2013, I found out I was pregnant. I was really surprised because I was on a medication that was supposed to "shut down" my ovaries and protect against my estrogen-receptor cancer returning. While I was initially excited about the possibility of having a fourth child, I knew the pregnancy was pretty risky, both for me and for the baby. It was risky for me because in order for the baby to survive I would have to take hormones that might cause my cancer to return. And it was risky for the baby because I had so many medications in my system. But within just a few days of finding out I was pregnant, God took the baby. This was so hard for me because I really wanted more children. 

After my miscarriage, it was decided that I should have a complete hysterectomy. It would lower the chances of any cancer recurrence as well as prevent from any more pregnancies. After having a double mastectomy, having a complete hysterectomy was a very hard to think about. I felt like my body and my femininity were being destroyed. But I agreed to the surgery, and had it done in May of 2013.

Here is a journal entry I wrote during this time:

After all the medical issues I have gone through in the past 3 years I can’t help but think, “Why God?” Why does it just keep coming!? I have realized I need to take a step back and realize this is such a short time in the big picture.  And most importantly God will use each of these things to bring glory to himself.  Maybe he is causing me to go through cancer, pain, and a miscarriage so that I can relate to each of those things and be evidence that God will carry me through.  It may not always be the way I want it to be, but that is because I am not God.  

I so often want to play God not even realizing it.  I want to be the director of the show. But it doesn’t make sense for the actors in the show to tell the director how the show should be run.  Does it? I need to seek God’s will not mine.  I need to trust God’s will not mine.

I was looking forward to giving my testimony and singing some songs at our Community Bible Study retreat on Saturday, but I ended up in the ER.  The retreat was focused on rest. Resting in Christ alone to give us strength. I have gone through so much physically, emotionally and spiritually that I am ready to “rest.”  The place that I can get my ultimate and fulfilling rest is in Christ alone. Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.” 

As I was thinking about what music I could sing at the retreat, I thought of the hymn, “I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say."   

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

Psalm 103:1-5

As I reflect back on that time in my life, it makes me so thankful that I have my three beautiful children, and that I am currently cancer free and healthy. I love the last part of the verse I had written in my journal from Psalm 103, "who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

God may not always answer my prayers in the way that I think they should be answered. So often I start to think that I am the director of the show, but I am not. But God answers our prayers in a way that brings glory to Himself and is ultimately good for us. If I pray for His will to be done then whatever circumstances may bring he will give me peace and joy in the midst of those circumstances. He does not promise to calm the storm, but He does promise to carry me through it. He will satisfy me as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him.

Smile

These heart problems have proved not to slow me down at all! J I have enjoyed celebrating Lydia’s 5^th birthday with her and continuing to keep up with my three little ones!

As I was putting Lydia to sleep last night she was listening to a CD that my sister, Bekah, and I recorded together. My sister is so talented! She wrote most of the songs on the CD. The song that was playing was called "Smile". I know she did not write this song about me because she wrote it years ago, but it just seemed so fitting for me in this last year! 

The Kids Are Home...

The kids are home...I don't know how I'm going to do this! I think the three of them keep getting busier and busier and more and more energetic! I know I can do this because I have before. I just need to take it one day at a time.

The timing of this surgery worked out for many reasons, one of them being that my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in town for Christmas and were willing to stay with Lydia, Hudson and Samuel when I went in for surgery. They kept them here in Pooler for a couple days and then drove Lydia and Hudson to Atlanta to stay with Matt's sister, Kristin, and her family. Lydia and Hudson loved getting to drive to Atlanta with Grandma and Grandpa and they loved getting to play with their cousins Adalynn (5), Brooks (4), and Isaiah (9 months). I think they may have worn everyone out! I am thankful for the time and energy that our family was willing to give in caring for our children. What a blessing! I am also thankful for the willingness of friends around here in Pooler who were able to keep Samuel. Thank you!

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

 
I have mentioned before that one thing that this cancer journey has taught me is that I am not in control of my life. I have been reminded of this numerous times, especially in regards to my children. It is hard to have to give them up to different people to be taken care of. And I know it is hard on other people to have to watch them! And it is hard for me to continually be asking for help. But with each of these things God has provided. He has provided me a peaceful heart to allow them to go. He has provided servant hearted people willing and ready to serve. And he has provided contentment as I have continued to ask for help. 

I am so thankful to have my three beautiful children all back home and under one roof. I told Matt that it has been so nice and quiet here as the kids have been in Atlanta. But I have missed the voices of my sweet (and often times loud and obnoxious) little angels. 

I am continuing to recover well, but still cannot lift Samuel. I would appreciate prayers that my left arm and back would heal efficiently so that I can care for all three again soon.

My Body Rests Secure

Matt and I are in Charleston tonight, getting ready for my reconstructive surgery which is scheduled for 7am tomorrow morning. Lord willing, this will be the end of a long road in dealing with my cancer and I am thankful that it is almost over.

Since I will be in the hospital for the next five days and will miss being with my boys on their birthdays (Samuel will be 1 tomorrow and Hudson will be 3 on Sunday), we celebrated their birthdays this past weekend. I can’t believe that Samuel is already a year old! He has become quite a tough, fast, and energetic little boy, but he is as sweet as can be! He tends to need his cuddle with mommy in between climbing the table and getting into the toilet. J 

On the other hand, it seems like Hudson has been two years old forever – so I am very glad he is turning three. He has developed quite a personality; always the comedian and always very particular about things (for instance, if you try calling him “buddy” or “son,” he will firmly remind you that his name is Hudson). I am so blessed by all three of my precious children! 

I am so thankful that my sister Katie came in town today from St. Louis to take care of the kids for the next several days. I am sure she would appreciate your prayers! J It was hard to say goodbye to the kids this morning, especially Lydia because she is very aware of what is going on. She remembers what it was like the last time I had surgery, so she has not been looking forward to the next several weeks. But I know that they will have so much fun with Auntie KK, Matt's mom, and my mom as they each come help out over the next two weeks!

Before I left town I was able to visit my friend Elizabeth St. Clair as she was in the hospital having baby boy number three! It brought back mixed emotions being at the same hospital, in a very similar delivery room, with the same doctor, exactly one year ago when I was having Samuel. It was sad thinking about the events that led to me finding out about my cancer, but it gave me joy thinking that I have come so far only through the help of my faithful savior Jesus Christ. And of course it gives me great joy to know that Elizabeth will be welcoming another beautiful boy to her sweet family!

It is intimidating and overwhelming thinking about tomorrow and the weeks of recovery to come, but God’s Word is a tremendous source of comfort. A friend of mine recently pointed me to Psalm 16:8-11, which says,

I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

On the eve of major surgery, it is an unspeakable comfort to know that not only my soul, but also my body rests secure in God’s hands!

I've Already Started to Forget...

This past Sunday our pastor, John Fender, preached a very eye-opening and convicting sermon called, "God and Our Forgetfulness." The sermon was on Deuteronomy 8 where Moses repeatedly tells the people of Israel to remember what God has done (delivering them from Egypt) and said (the Ten Commandments) as they prepared to enter the Promised Land. Moses knew it was easy to be aware of those things during the difficult times in Egypt and the wilderness, but it would be harder to remember those things when they began enjoying the rest and comfort of the Promised Land. In other words, we need to fight against our natural tendency to become complacent in our faith when life gets comfortable. If we don't "feel" our need for Christ it is easy to forget about him and become lazy about depending on him completely.

The sermon helped me realize that I so easily fall into complacency. In many ways, I have already started to forget what God has taught me in the past year. I need to remember that God's word is true all the time and I should be trusting in it all the time. In going through cancer, I have been forced to look to God and I have been trying hard to see how he is using this for my good and his glory. More than anything else, I have seen God's faithfulness to me through people's prayers, encouraging words, and acts of help and support. I have seen God's faithfulness through wise doctors and good medical reports. But I have already started to forget these things! I have found myself once again trying to control my life and my circumstances and not looking to God and his truth on a daily basis.

Of course, God knows my heart and is always working to build my faith whenever it is weakening. Since this sermon was preached on Sunday I have found out about two new things I will need to depend on God for. On Monday, I found out that Hudson will have a surgery next Thursday (9/8) to remove his tonsils and adenoids. It is one thing for me to have surgery and be the one experiencing the pain, discomfort and uncertainty, but when it is my child that is something completely different. I have not experienced one of my children having surgery before, so I will certainly have to depend on God to take care of Hudson and to give me peace. Also, I found out today that I will have my reconstructive surgery six weeks from today on Samuel's first birthday (10/12). I am a bit nervous about having surgery again, both for what it will mean for me and for what it will mean for my family. But God has proved his faithfulness to care for every detail before, and he will do it again.

Please pray me in all this. And pray for my dear, sweet Hudson. Pray that he will have peace that passes all understanding and that this experience, in some way, will bring his heart (and mine) closer to Christ.

God and our Forgetfulness from John Fender on Vimeo.

Medical Update

I am very thankful to be done with my cancer treatments, but in terms of my overall health things have not been going too smoothly since I finished radiation last month. In some ways, I have had to resign myself to the fact that my burden in life, at least for now, is my physical body and its sickness. This is the second time that the “end” of my health problems seemed to be in sight, but in the blink of an eye the road continued. The first time was my surgery in February. When I went in for surgery I was supposed to wake up and be done with everything, but when I woke up I found out they found more cancer and I would need to have more treatments and surgery. Now, within a few weeks of finishing my treatments, I have developed a very large cyst, a tear in my hip, and some other health problems that are causing me to be very weak and fatigued.

While my burden right now is with my body, some people are dealing with just as much if not more in other areas: emotions, finances, relationships, or spiritual life. So I have been thinking a lot about the comfort and hope that God gives us when our road seems lonely and never ending. At our wedding, Matt and I recited the first question and answer from the Heidelberg Catechism as a reminder that our ultimate comfort is not in each other, but in Jesus Christ. The catechism question asks, “What is your only comfort in life and in death?” And the answer says, 

That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven: in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to him, Christ, by His Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

 

What an incredible reminder this is for me! These words help to bring me back to the simple truth that Christ is my faithful Savior and that I can live for him wholeheartedly. If God watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without it being a part of his will, then he definitely is also watching over every pain and weakness in my body. And somehow, though it is hard for me to endure right now, he is using it all for HIS good and HIS glory. Not only is God in control of all things, but he is faithful – he is, “my faithful savior Jesus Christ.” He does not need to prove his faithfulness over and over again (though he does) because he gave us the ultimate proof of his faithfulness in fulfilling his promise to save us even when we did not deserve it, and even when it meant the death of his own son. I pray that God will continually use those truths to make me wholeheartedly willing and ready to live for him!

I met with my surgeon today to plan for the reconstructive surgery that I will have in October. Since I have healed well from radiation (that’s at least one health issue to be thankful for), he gave me the “go ahead” to schedule the surgery for early October (provided my other health issues do not interfere between now and then). Since my surgeon is in Charleston, South Carolina (a two-hour drive from Pooler) we decided to spend the day there as a family. We spent the morning at the children’s museum and the afternoon in the doctor’s office. The kids had just about as much fun at both places! They enjoyed looking out over the city from the doctor’s seventh-floor office. Apparently there was an earthquake while we were up there too. We did not notice it, but the doctor and several other people said they noticed the building moving a bit.

 

I would greatly appreciate continued prayers for my health as I battle these remaining health issues. Please pray that the doctors would have wisdom in treating me and that I would patiently wait for God to heal me in his perfect timing.

Vacation in Florida

What a blessing it was to be able to have a time away with my family for the past week! We were in Florida with my mom, her husband Ned, my grandparents, my sister Katie, her husband Chris, and her kids Ella, J-Rod, and Lily.

The Cousins: Lily, J-Rod, Hudson, Lydia, Samuel, and Ella

If you know me at all you know I love the beach. As a matter of fact, my whole family loves the beach. So when we go to Florida each August for vacation we spend all day every day at the beach. The kids loved playing in the sand and in the pool! And of course we all enjoyed spending time together with family. We played games (my mom even learned how to play a game on the iPad), read, ran, ate, slept, golfed, swam, and enjoyed lots of great conversation. And Florida is absolutely beautiful, so I also enjoyed the beauty of God's creation: the green-blue water, hundreds of unique seashells, and watching sunsets and thunderstorms.

One of the most memorable times this week was one night that Matt and I went on a "date" out to the beach to take a walk. It was completely dark. The beach was lit by a sky full of stars. It was amazing and beautiful. Matt and I had a chance to talk about our year together and the year ahead. We prayed together while sitting under the stars. It was amazing to me to think about the fact that we were able to talk to the same God that created every one of those stars and who knew the number of sands that were under our feet! Having that realization helped me to remember that He is and will continue to take care of His children and provide all we need!

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?"

Psalm 8:3-4

I am so thankful that I have felt well this week. I was very tired the first few days and my skin was painful.  But it has healed very well! I was not able to stay completely out of the sun, but I think that helped the healing process. :) Please continue to pray for me as I will be starting my Tamoxifen medication tomorrow. Also, I will have various doctors appointments for the next few weeks to follow-up from my radiation and to prepare for my surgery in October.

I am glad to be home now and look forward to continuing with the things that God has for me here...including jury duty starting Monday! :)

My mom, me, and my older sister Katie

 

My grandparents, John and Lavon Buswell



Being Reminded of God's Word // July Update

I have not felt very “inspired” to write any entries for my blog lately. I have been very busy and have been feeling somewhat discouraged with my body. I know that is no excuse. It is good to make myself sit down and just listen to what God has to say to me through His word and take time to reflect on what he is teaching me through these trials, and I have not done that lately. 

I have been receiving encouraging letters from a dear friend over the past 5 months. She has been so dedicated to writing me every week and giving me encouraging thoughts and words from God’s word. When I opened my friend’s letter this week I was reminded of the importance of listening to what God is teaching me through these trials. She enclosed the words from 2 Corinthians 4:7-14. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.”

Whatever I am going through here on earth, I am not alone. God’s grace is holding me and renewing me day by day. I am praying that I would “not lose heart” because the life of Christ is being revealed. 

I am finishing up my final 10 treatments of radiation. Radiation itself has gone smoothly so far. The only side effects I have experienced have been fatigue and burned/irritated skin. Other than that I have been dealing with multiple sinus infections and a chronic cough that has yet to be diagnosed. I will be starting a new medication in two weeks that is kind of like an oral chemo (Tamoxifen). I will take it for 3-5 years in order to prevent my cancer from coming back. I am a little worried about this medicine because the two main side effects are blood clots/stroke, and uterine cancer. It is hard for me to justify doing these various cancer treatments when I don’t know if they will do more harm than good. But I just need to trust the fact that God has put my doctors over me and is using their knowledge and wisdom about these illnesses in order to help me.

I would appreciate prayers as I enter into this new phase of treatment. Pray that my body will stay strong and energized as I take care of my three precious children. Pray that my mind will stay positive, joyful, and focused on Christ as I move ahead. Also, please pray for an interesting opportunity I have to share my story this weekend. I have been selected to participate with several other breast cancer survivors in the American Cancer Society’s “Voices and Faces” campaign which will highlight breast cancer during the month of October. I have a photo shoot and interview at WSAV on Saturday, July 23rd. This is an exciting opportunity for me to share my story and what God has been teaching me during this journey. Please pray that God use me to glorify him through that interview.

Erin and Samuel.



We are missing out on U2's tour of the United States this Summer, so
Lydia decided to dress up as Bono and give us a performance instead!



Samuel's first haircut.



Samuel has learned to crawl, pull-up, cruise, and walk a little in the past few weeks.
He seems to get himself into all kinds of interesting situations with his new skills!



Lydia and Bethany on July Fourth.



Matt, Lydia, and Hudson waiting for the July Fourth fireworks to begin.

Medical Update: Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

When a mom of three young kids is going through cancer treatments, there is just no way to go more than a couple days without a doctor’s appointment. And sometimes, like yesterday, you can have multiple appointments – even five – in a single day. In the past week, I have found this out in a very real way. 

Last Friday, my surgeon recommended that I have a full body bone-scan done as well as Vitamin D testing. I had been having some severe pain in my left hip, and she wanted to rule out the very real possibility that the cancer had spread into my bones. She explained that estrogen-positive breast cancer (like I have) tends to like “weak” bones. This possibility made Matt and I very nervous, but praise the Lord, the test came back normal (though my Vitamin D levels were a bit low). She put me on Vitamin D and Calcium supplements to help strengthen my bones and possibly relieve some of my pain. 

On Monday, I had an appointment with a pulmonologist to investigate a persistent cough I have been battling for the past three months. After an x-ray and brief exam, he discovered the culprit: my SINUSES! If you know me well, then you know that I have suffered with sinus problems my whole life. I have what is called “non-allergic rhinitis” and “chronic sinusitis.” I have had four sinus surgeries since high school, including one that kind of messed my sinuses up even worse. Anyway, the pulmonologist said it looks like surgery might be the only thing to help me, but obviously now is not the best time to be having sinus surgery!  It was wonderful to have an objective diagnosis of what is going on, but it was also wonderful to connect with this particular doctor. When he walked into the waiting room he asked me if my husband was a pastor in Pooler. I responded, “Yes,” and he said, “I think you are the one we have been praying for lately.” He said that he attends a local PCA church and that they have been praying for me and my family for the past several months. WOW! I am continually amazed at the faithful prayers that are continually offered up on my behalf! What a blessing!

On Tuesday, I made a total of five visits to various doctors, but the one that stands out is taking Hudson to the pediatrician for a severe allergic reaction. You see, in the midst of our unusually busy family life, we decided we needed to take on a new challenge: we decided to adopt a sweet, one year-old cat that has been hanging out outside our house for the past two weeks. We took “Louie” (named in honor of his presence in our driveway when we returned from our trip to St. Louis) to the vet on Saturday to see if he was healthy and to get him the various vaccinations he needed if he was going to be around the kids. Of course, just three days after paying for the vaccinations and all the “cat stuff” we needed (litter box, food, collar, kennel, etc.) we discovered that Hudson was allergic to Louie. While I was at a physical therapy appointment for Samuel (for his head – he ended up being able to do PT instead of getting a helmet!), Bethany called me and said that Hudson was a little out of sorts. I came home to find Hudson’s eyes red, watery, and nearly swollen shut. He was also coughing, sneezing and whining a lot. I called the pediatric nurse and she said to bring him in. They gave him a little Benadryl and he was fine. But needless to say, we need to find a new home for Louie.

After I brought Hudson and Samuel home I went back into town for my radiation and for a physical therapy appointment for myself. Radiation is continuing to go well. Since My first radiation I have had arm pain that could be the start of lymphedema. My PT appointment was scheduled to get that issue checked out. I guess I have to keep a close eye on that as radiation can tend to make lymphedema worse. 

Thanks to Bethany I have been able to get all these appointments done. Matt and I are so thankful that she is here! Thanks to her, it has been a lot easier to use my non-medical time to have some summer fun with the kids. We have gone bowling, to library story time, to the pool, and to the mall. 

I came home from my PT appointment just in time to spend the evening with the youth group from our church. God has blessed us with sweet group of kids, and it’s always a blessing to hang out with them! As a pastor’s kid (and pastor’s wife), I just love finding ways to use my gifts to serve the Lord by serving others in ministry. Next week I will be teaching fifteen 4 year-olds at our church’s Vacation Bible School program, so I have been preparing for that as well (reviewing curriculum, making decorations, etc.). Of course, every time I talk to my sisters about teaching VBS in the mornings and doing radiation in the afternoons, they think I'm crazy. Well, I like to have a little crazy in me. And even though doing these ministry things while dealing with my treatments can be especially exhausting, I have found it to be such a blessing to get to know the children of our church and to be able to have fun with them while teaching them God’s Word.

I apologize if this blog post seems a bit “whiny,” but I really want my blog to be an accurate representation of what my life is like these days. I want to balance stories of personal encouragement and truth from God’s Word with an honest account of some of the hard and tedious aspects of this journey. In my own experience, I know I always benefit when I am able to read others’ honest reflections on their difficulties and take a certain comfort in identifying with their struggles. But of course it is equally beneficial to read more positive, hopeful reflections on persevering through life’s trials, and especially wonderful to see how the truths of God’s Word relate to those trials. I would appreciate your continued prayers.

  

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

Philippians 1:3-6