I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I have had some bleeding problems for the past 6 months. They finally decided that I need to have a CT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy procedure to rule out kidney disease or bladder cancer that my chemo could have caused.
I don't know why I got cancer...
I don't know why I had to do treatments...
I don't know why I was allergic to the treatment...
i don't know why they found more...
I don't know why my surgery went wrong...
I don't know why my body developed heart issues...
I don't know why my body is so weak...
I don't know why my kidneys are having problems....
All I KNOW is that God is in control and he WILL NOT give me anything that I cannot handle with His help.
All I KNOW is that God is giving me these trials in my body to draw me to have a deeper dependance on Him.
All I KNOW is that it is not my job to worry about my health, but trust that the great physician will heal me completely, whether that be here on earth or in heaven.
All I KNOW is that I have the joy of giving Christ the glory in all circumstances because he is my King!
I was reading in the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow and she spoke to my heart through a chapter focusing on Habakkuk and the "why" question:
Habakkuk was to live by faith. This same statement is repeated three times in the New Testament: "The just shall live by faith" (Romans 1:17; Galatians 3:11; Hebrews 10:38). In other words, God didn't explain why; instead He told Habakkuk to trust Him with all his whys. Habakkuk was to trust God for what he didn't understand, what he couldn't see. He was to walk in the dark with God.
From a human perspective, this answer is frustrating. We want to know why. Surely God should explain Himself to us. Sometimes He does, but often He does not. God is God and He doesn't need to explain Himself. If we could fully comprehend God, He wouldn't be God -- He would be like us. In those instances when God doesn't tell us why, we will have to wait until we're in heaven for our answers.
Habakkuk realized this. Although he didn't get the response he wanted, he affirmed that God is God, in spite of Habakkuk's human lack of comprehension. Habakkuk praised God in his spirit, yet in his body he was quaking in his boots! "I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress, for the people to arise who will invade us (Habakkuk 3:16)."
I love this description of this dear saint -- trembling, in agony of spirit, in so much pain that he said his bones were decaying! This encourages me, as my body often rebels when I'm trying to trust in my spirit. And even though his body and soul were quaking, Habakkuk declared what I believe is the most beautiful proclamation of faith in the Bible.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places (Habakkuk 3:17-19).
What an incredible statement of trust in God!
My hope is that I will not keep asking myself why, but that I will trust God with all the whys. Please pray that I can get these tests done and have nothing to worry about before I go in for my final surgery. Thank you for your prayers!
