A Puzzle Piece

God has been challenging me in a lot of ways, especially health-wise. But even more He is showing me how small I am and how big He is. A friend recently sent me an excerpt from a sermon from a pastor in Florida.  As I read it I coudn't help but subsitute my own name throughout the writing.

I like to think of my life like a puzzle-piece.  It's one part of a really big picture that I cannot see.  In fact, all that I can see is my one little piece!  I can see its colors and hues and shapes and I can speculate about what it all is and about what it all means, but that's the best that I can do because I can't see the big picture that it fits into.  I can't see the overarching theme into which my little puzzle-piece life fits, and in which alone, its final meaning and purposes are found.  God alone sees the big picture.  God alone has the box top of the puzzle.  In fact, he created that picture.  It's his puzzle.  And here's the deal: he also created my little life, with all of its colors and hues and often odd, nonsensical shapes.  And, he created it to fit into the whole of his really big picture and, in finding its place in his picture (and only then and only there), to make perfect sense. 

As a result, I think that it's unreasonable to expect that my life will always make perfect sense to me in the here and now.  My vision is too limited.  The scope of my wisdom is too small.  And God (and life, for that matter) has not led me to believe otherwise.  I go to God's word and he tells me directly that his thoughts are not my thoughts and that his ways are not my ways.  He tells me plainly that, as the heavens are higher than the earth, so also are his thoughts than my thoughts (Isa 55:8).  So then, what is he telling me?  Well, at the very least, he's saying:

"Erin, you're finite; I'm infinite!  You're limited; I'm unlimited.  By your very nature you are incapable of comprehending all of my thoughts and ways and you cannot reasonably expect to be able to do so!  Such an expectation is illogical.  Erin, there will be things in your life for which you have no explanation.  Expect it!  Things that make no sense.  Anticipate it!  Pain that seems meaningless and pointless, from your itty bitty, microscopic, puny, infinitesimally small, sin-stained, corrupted, perspective.  So, if I can just say this somewhat gently, get over yourself and stop arrogantly assuming that I am as limited as you are and that, just because you can't make sense of it all, that I won't be able to make sense of it either.  Stop with your faithlessness and do what I've called you to do: to trust me even when nothing makes sense, for what is faith?  Erin I've told you what faith is.  I've given you its definition.  I'm not hiding these things from you!  I've put it in my word.  Go to my word!  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for (not things actualized, not things already in your hands), faith is the conviction of things NOT seen (as opposed to what you can, in this life, see - Heb. 11:1).  And, there are plenty of things, my daughter that you have not yet seen (like the whole rest of my really big and amazing picture!).  Have your read the story of Job, Erin?  Have you read what I ordained in life for him?  Have you compared your sufferings to that most famous of all sufferers?  Did you notice that there were TONS of things happening in that story which fully justified and made sense of his sufferings, but that Job was completely unaware of (thus, his, and your, questionings).  Have you read what I said to him? (Job 38-42)  Perhaps you should read it again.  And, have you considered my Son, Jesus.  Who left all of heaven with all of its glories to suffer trials and temptations like no other man (even you).  A man of sorrows who can fully sympathize with your weaknesses, yet without sin.  And a man who, on the cross, asked 'why?'  Now there's something you can relate to!  And what was the answer.  Well, in that moment, there was no answer.  But you know that answer, Erin, don't you?  The answer is 'for you.'  You're not supposed to know the answers to every question life leads you to pose (and there will be many).  I am supposed to know the answer and here's the thing: I do.  You are supposed to trust in me and when you doubt my love or goodness, you're supposed to go to the cross, over and over and over again, where my love for you is forever and indelibly written in the most precious ointment ever fashioned: the blood of my precious Son.  It is a healing balm for the troubled heart and mind.  So, Erin, stop with your fussing.  Enough with your anger (put it away).  Quit demanding answers that you are not even equipped to understand and run instead to my cross, which was a tree of death to my Son, but which is a tree of life to you.  Eat the fruit of his body and blood and come home, my son, to the Father who loves you, who collects all of your tears in his bottle (Ps. 56:8) and who promises one day to wipe them all away (Rev. 21:4) as I reveal to you the great beauty of your life as it finally finds its place in my picture.  There, the colors and hues and odd, nonsensical shapes will suddenly make sense.  And there you will stand in awe of how I can take even the darkest, most evil, awful things (like the unjust murder of my own Son, for example) and, out of them, bring light and beauty and goodness and life.  Come home, my daughter.  Do not delay."

I pray that I will continuously be reminded of these truths.  I had a CT scan of my kidneys and an MRI of my brain a few days ago.  I read this during the days that I was awaiting the results of those tests.  My life could have, once again, taken a dramatic turn.  But what seems dramatic to me would have just been one small blip in the scheme of things.  One more small way that Christ wanted to show his glory. 

Thankfully those tests came back with no metastatic disease.  Praise the Lord!  I will have a couple more tests next week.  I would appreciate continued prayers as I get those tests done and prepare for my reconstructive surgery on May 1st.

I Don't Know Why

I don't know why...
 
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I have had some bleeding problems for the past 6 months.  They finally decided that I need to have a CT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy procedure to rule out kidney disease or bladder cancer that my chemo could have caused.  
 
I don't know why I got cancer...
I don't know why I had to do treatments...
I don't know why I was allergic to the treatment...
i don't know why they found more...
I don't know why my surgery went wrong...
I don't know why my body developed heart issues...
I don't know why my body is so weak...
I don't know why my kidneys are having problems....
 
All I KNOW is that God is in control and he WILL NOT give me anything that I cannot handle with His help.  

All I KNOW is that God is giving me these trials in my body to draw me to have a deeper dependance on Him.

All I KNOW is that it is not my job to worry about my health, but trust that the great physician will heal me completely, whether that be here on earth or in heaven.

All I KNOW is that I have the joy of giving Christ the glory in all circumstances because he is my King!
 
I was reading in the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow and she spoke to my heart through a chapter focusing on Habakkuk and the "why" question:
 

Habakkuk was to live by faith. This same statement is repeated three times in the New Testament: "The just shall live by faith" (Romans 1:17; Galatians 3:11; Hebrews 10:38). In other words, God didn't explain why; instead He told Habakkuk to trust Him with all his whys. Habakkuk was to trust God for what he didn't understand, what he couldn't see. He was to walk in the dark with God.
 
From a human perspective, this answer is frustrating. We want to know why. Surely God should explain Himself to us. Sometimes He does, but often He does not. God is God and He doesn't need to explain Himself. If we could fully comprehend God, He wouldn't be God -- He would be like us. In those instances when God doesn't tell us why, we will have to wait until we're in heaven for our answers.
 
Habakkuk realized this. Although he didn't get the response he wanted, he affirmed that God is God, in spite of Habakkuk's human lack of comprehension. Habakkuk praised God in his spirit, yet in his body he was quaking in his boots! "I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress, for the people to arise who will invade us (Habakkuk 3:16)."
 
I love this description of this dear saint -- trembling, in agony of spirit, in so much pain that he said his bones were decaying! This encourages me, as my body often rebels when I'm trying to trust in my spirit. And even though his body and soul were quaking, Habakkuk declared what I believe is the most beautiful proclamation of faith in the Bible.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places (Habakkuk 3:17-19).

 
What an incredible statement of trust in God!
 
My hope is that I will not keep asking myself why, but that I will trust God with all the whys. Please pray that I can get these tests done and have nothing to worry about before I go in for my final surgery. Thank you for your prayers!
 

Christ the Lord is Risen!

We had a wonderful day of celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and King on Sunday. It is always such a joy to be in corporate worship singing and praising the one true God. The God who has come to live on this earth, suffered, died on the cross for us, rose from the dead, ascended into heaven and is alive and working to bring us closer to him every day. I had the privilage of playing piano for worship yesterday and we sang the song "In Christ Alone" (you can hear a recording of our church singing it here). The third verse brought tears to my eyes,

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin?s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ"

I am reminded that I need to be just as excited about what Christ has done for us every day of the year. It can be a challenge to remember these truths when suffering is knocking on the door. But, remembering these truths and rejoicing in them is what will comfort me in my suffering. Praise the Lord, He is risen...risen indeed!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3).

After worship our family spent the day enjoying God's creation at the beach. I am so thankful for the wonderful and supportive family that God has blessed me with!

I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue to deal with various side effects from my treatments and as I prepare for my surgery on May 1st.

Avon

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer God has been gracious to provide for our needs in many ways. But our ongoing medical expenses related to my cancer have continued to be a financial challenge for our family, as it is for so many families dealing with a major illness.

A friend of mine recently mentioned the possibility of being an Avon representative. The business model is ideal for me as a stay-at-home mom, and the Avon Foundation is a huge supporter of breast cancer research and has programs in fifty countries that work to provide women access to care. And the products Avon sells go way beyond make-up; they also sell jewelery, clothes, home goods, children's products, and much more.

So as of today, I am working as an Avon representative! I am not intending to use this blog as a marketing tool - I want to keep it focused on being a "live diary" of my journey through cancer. But since this is a part of my journey, I thought I would include just one brief post about it.

If you would be interested in making an Avon purchase, you can shop at my personalized Avon website here. If you'd rather look through a printed catalog, just let me know - I can either give one to you in person or send you one in the mail. However, shopping on my Avon website will probably be best since there are new catalogs published every two weeks. 

Thanks so much for your prayers and continued support!

Smile

These heart problems have proved not to slow me down at all! J I have enjoyed celebrating Lydia’s 5^th birthday with her and continuing to keep up with my three little ones!

As I was putting Lydia to sleep last night she was listening to a CD that my sister, Bekah, and I recorded together. My sister is so talented! She wrote most of the songs on the CD. The song that was playing was called "Smile". I know she did not write this song about me because she wrote it years ago, but it just seemed so fitting for me in this last year! 

My Heart My Help

Last Monday was a very scary day. Just when I start getting comfortable with day to day life, God gave me a reminder that I need to trust in Him and not in myself. Monday was that reminder for me.

I had been having some heart palpatations over the past couple weeks. I would get dizzy, light headed, my heart would beat very fast, and then it would stop for a few seconds before regulating itself again. Matt started getting a little worried about these events because they were getting more intense and more frequent. He suggested that I go into the doctor first thing on Monday morning.

So I went in to see my GeneralPpractitioner and she did an EKG to see if everything looked okay. After they did the EKG, the doctor came into the room with a very worried look on her face. She told me she was going to call an ambulance and have me transferred to the ER. Apparantly my EKG was abnormal and along with some other symptoms and having had radiation and chemo she wanted to rule out a heart attack. I tried to tell her that I was perfectly capable of driving to the ER, or that my husband could come and take me there, but she insisted on the ambulance. Well, the ambulance experience alone was about enough to cause a heart attack! 
They did another EKG at the hospital which again came back  abnormal. They did several other tests and soon ruled out a heart attack. Praise the Lord! Soon after my tests, Matt arrived at the hospital. We waited for a couple of hours, and eventually a cardiologist came in to meet with us. He had suggested admitting me for tests and monitoring, but that didn’t seem necessary (and I wanted to get home in time to take Lydia to gymnastics!). So he gave me a small heart monitor to wear for 24 hours.

I met again with the cardiologist yesterday (Friday) and he did an echocardiogram (ultrasound) of my heart. His speculation is that my abnormal heart rhythm is something caused by my chemo treatments. But he still wants to do a stress test and have me wear a heart monitor for 30 days. Just another reminder that my body is broken, but one day will be whole and perfect! 

Today I was reading a daily reading by Charles Spurgeon from Morning by Morning, which I have posted below. It was such a good reminder that God will help me. He is the Almighty Heavenly Father. If He can care for my soul by sending Jesus to pay for my sins on the cross, how easy is it for him to heal my body? It is my responsibility to trust that he is loving and faithful and will not harm me. 

This morning let us hear the Lord Jesus speak to each one of us: "I will help thee." "It is but a small thing for me, thy God, to help thee. Consider what I have done already. What! not help thee? Why, I bought thee with my blood. What! not help thee? I have died for thee; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help thee! It is the least thing I will ever do for thee; I have done more, and will do more. Before the world began I chose thee. I made the covenant for thee. I laid aside my glory and became a man for thee; I gave up my life for thee; and if I did all this, I will surely help thee now. In helping thee, I am giving thee what I have bought for thee already. If thou hadst need of a thousand times as much help, I would give it thee; thou requirest little compared with what I am ready to give. 'Tis much for thee to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow. 'Help thee?' Fear not! If there were an ant at the door of thy granary asking for help, it would not ruin thee to give him a handful of thy wheat; and thou art nothing but a tiny insect at the door of my all-sufficiency. 'I will help thee.'"

O my soul, is not this enough? Dost thou need more strength than the omnipotence of the United Trinity? Dost thou want more wisdom than exists in the Father, more love than displays itself in the Son, or more power than is manifest in the influences of the Spirit? Bring hither thine empty pitcher! Surely this well will fill it. Haste, gather up thy wants, and bring them here-thine emptiness, thy woes, thy needs. Behold, this river of God is full for thy supply; what canst thou desire beside? Go forth, my soul, in this thy might. The Eternal God is thine helper!

In the hymn How Firm A Foundation, the hymnwriter says “Fear not I am with thee; O be not dismayed! I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.”

"I will help you," says the Lord.

Isaiah 41:14

Found in Christ

I have now started physical therapy for a loss of muscle due to my treatments. Just another reminder that my body is temporary and I get to look forward to a new and perfect body in heaven. One with no pain and no cancer! I am hoping that this physical therapy will be temporary. The goal is to go a few times a week for a month then be able to do strengthening exersises at home. I am surprised that my body has a lack of muscle considering how hard my kids work me all day!

I have a wonderful and encouraging friend who has been walking along side of me throughout this past year and a half. She has once again given me a wonderful reminder of God's truth in Philippians 3:1,7-11.

Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you...Whatever I gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was able to have joy because I knew that I was, and am, "found in Him (v. 9)." Becuase of that truth i can, "rejoice in the Lord (v. 1)." My joy is not defined by circumstances, it is defined by Christ!

I may have posted this video before, but this song has such wonderful words and is such a great reminder that our hope is found In Christ Alone.

Masterpiece

The kids and I have been doing a lot of work on different arts and crafts projects over the past few weeks.  Lydia loves it when I say, "Come to the table, it is time for a project!" The kids are constantly reminding me that they have a plan for how their artwork will turn out, even though when I see it all I can do is smile and nod, and trust that they really do have a plan for their artwork. 
I have been reminded through a friend's words that we are God's masterpieces, His perfect artwork. Sometimes, well, most of the time I don't feel like anything even remotely resembling a masterpiece. But for some amazing reason that is what we are to Him! My broken body is actually a masterpiece!? That's amazing! And He is continually working on us, and when we or others think he is done with us...he molds us and makes us even more like him. What a loving, sovereign God we have.
God is creating a masterpiece in our lives that we cannot see. If an artist has not finished a painting, it would not make sense for us to juge the painting prematurely. But we judge our lives prematurely by not remembering that God is working on us. He is working to mature us and sanctify us every day!Because of that truth I have hope in this world and the next.

I have been working on a lot of crafts, cooking, and organizational projects lately. I have decided to start another blog with pictures and simple directions of ideas inspired by a stay at home mother of 3.  If that is something that interests you my blog is frayfamilycreations.blogspot.com.

Medical Update

I have been recovering so well since my last surgery. All I can be is thankful! I think I have been overcompensating for the lack of energy that I have had in the past year. I have been enjoying cooking and doing a lot of crafts and organization projects (especially from Pinterest!). And I have been enjoying working with kids at church teaching children's choir, teaching a Wednesday night class and working with the youth kids. God has been so good to me in allowing me to serve in His church in these ways. 

A few weeks ago I also had the opportunity to spend a few days in Florida with my mom and her husband, Ned. It was a sweet time of enjoying God's creation and relaxing (except for Samuel being sick with strep and an ear infection...but he was a trooper!).

I met with my surgeon this past Tuesday and we decided to go ahead and do one more minor surgery to complete my reconstruction. To help us avoid hospital charges, my surgeon has arranged to do the surgery in his office using local anesthesia. I would appreciate your prayers for this surgery, especially that my pain tolerance will be high! The surgery should take place sometime in April.

The Butterfly Parable

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and was given a precious reminder about how God uses our struggles to strengthen us. She told me this parable about the struggle that happens when a caterpillar is becoming a butterfly.

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it. The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly. The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge.

One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out. At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress! The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand. But neither happened! The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

This story is sad, but at the same time it is a comforting reminder of how God has designed things to be. Everyone goes through some kind of struggle or suffering, whether it is a matter of health, relationships, employment, or something else. But the Bible tells us that suffering is not in vain; it will strengthen our character (Rom. 5:1-5) and it will work for our good (Rom. 8:28).

Recently I got up the nerve – for the first time in the past year and a half – to go back and read some of my first few entries in this blog. Reading my own words about my physical pain and emotional struggles was like seeing the struggle of the caterpillar before my very eyes. But I am so thankful that I can look back and see how God has used those things to strengthen me and work for my good. As 1 Peter 4 says, we can entrust our souls to our faithful Creator in the midst of our suffering, knowing that he has created us – and our suffering – and is using it for his good and beautiful purposes.  

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:12-13

Medical Update: Pray Without Ceasing

I have found that one of the harder things in dealing with cancer is the unknowns.  There is always the worry that this cancer will come back, or that there will be side effects of my treatment.

Every three months I have a follow up appointment with my oncologist and every six months I have a follow up with my surgical oncologist. Those are my two "cancer doctors.” I recently have had very positive appointments with both of those doctors.

My oncologist has me taking a shot to control the cysts that I was having, and so far that has helped tremendously. As a negative it has caused me to have major hot flashes and can likely cause osteoporosis, but at the present it is working and things look good. They will do blood tests every three to six months as a way to make sure there is no reoccurrence. 

My follow up with my surgical oncologist was positive as well. I was informed that when my type of breast cancer spreads it usually will spread to the lungs or bones, so if I have any really bad pain that would be something to get checked out. I have had a tear in my hip joint for about a year now, being treated with cortisone injections. Because of this I have been put on bone calcium supplements so that my bones will stay strong and not encourage bad cell production. But overall my doctor was very pleased with how I am doing!

Even with getting good reports from all my doctors there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind. As I have thought through this, I have been reminded of Paul’s words in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." The fact that Paul says "do not" indicates that being anxious isn’t just unhelpful – it is actually sinful. God commands us not to be anxious. This does not mean that I can’t be concerned about real and serious needs, but that I should not give into the temptation to worry or be anxious about those concerns.

And just like God commands us not to be anxious, he commands us to pray. And the fact that he puts those two commands together is no mistake. When I am tempted to worry or be anxious, the best way to remove that temptation is to go directly to God in prayer. My daughter has learned a verse in her Pre-K class that she recites all the time. It is 1 Thessalonians 5:17, "Pray without ceasing." She gets so excited to recite something, and having her recite this verse so often has not only engrained it in her heart, but also in mine. When I get anxious, I need to pray. And when I get anxious again, I need to pray. That is what it means to pray without ceasing. 

I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to recover from this past surgery and decide what and if there will be a follow up surgery in the coming months. Thank you!

I'll Be Home

I was reminded of a very profound truth this past week that has given me a lot of encouragement and peace. It is from the book, "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis:

The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasantness, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home…God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

As I go through daily struggles in this life it gives me such joy and encouragement to be reminded by those trials that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. Throughout this journey of cancer I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I don't have enough energy to make it through the day I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I am running an uphill race that is never going to end I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven.

This is not to say that God does not have me here on earth for no reason. I am here to accomplish what he wants me to and he has given me purpose in every single thing that has happened in my life. I may not even know what those purposes are, but I do know: I am here to serve him, and enjoy him and I have a wonderful home waiting for me in heaven. As Paul says, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:20)."

When I was in high school I sang a song called “I’ll Be Home” in a musical that was written by a woman from my church, Janett Sugg. A few years later, I sang that same song with my sister at my dad's funeral. The words are so simple and so true. You can read them and hear the song below.


I’ll Be Home
Music and Lyrics by Janet Sugg
When I close my eyes I dream,
Of the place that waits for me.
There is happiness like I have never known,
It’s a place that I can finally call my own.
I’ll be home.

I will leave behind the tears,
Disappointments, sorrows, fears.
For the peace within my heart will overflow,
I will never be afraid or all alone.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
And the Lord will call my name,
Promise me I’ll live with him always.
And his smile will be like sunshine on my face.
I will find the love I’ve longed for in that place.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
I’ll be home, home, I’ll be home.
I’ll be home.

Close your eyes and dream with me,
Hear the laughter, feel the peace.
Leave behind the cares that hold you in this life.
There is so much waiting for you, come with me.
Come with me.

We’ll be home, home, home.
We’ll be home, home, we’ll be home.
We’ll be home. We’ll be home. We’ll be home.

The Kids Are Home...

The kids are home...I don't know how I'm going to do this! I think the three of them keep getting busier and busier and more and more energetic! I know I can do this because I have before. I just need to take it one day at a time.

The timing of this surgery worked out for many reasons, one of them being that my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in town for Christmas and were willing to stay with Lydia, Hudson and Samuel when I went in for surgery. They kept them here in Pooler for a couple days and then drove Lydia and Hudson to Atlanta to stay with Matt's sister, Kristin, and her family. Lydia and Hudson loved getting to drive to Atlanta with Grandma and Grandpa and they loved getting to play with their cousins Adalynn (5), Brooks (4), and Isaiah (9 months). I think they may have worn everyone out! I am thankful for the time and energy that our family was willing to give in caring for our children. What a blessing! I am also thankful for the willingness of friends around here in Pooler who were able to keep Samuel. Thank you!

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

 
I have mentioned before that one thing that this cancer journey has taught me is that I am not in control of my life. I have been reminded of this numerous times, especially in regards to my children. It is hard to have to give them up to different people to be taken care of. And I know it is hard on other people to have to watch them! And it is hard for me to continually be asking for help. But with each of these things God has provided. He has provided me a peaceful heart to allow them to go. He has provided servant hearted people willing and ready to serve. And he has provided contentment as I have continued to ask for help. 

I am so thankful to have my three beautiful children all back home and under one roof. I told Matt that it has been so nice and quiet here as the kids have been in Atlanta. But I have missed the voices of my sweet (and often times loud and obnoxious) little angels. 

I am continuing to recover well, but still cannot lift Samuel. I would appreciate prayers that my left arm and back would heal efficiently so that I can care for all three again soon.

Identity in Christ

I had my surgery about four days ago. When I compare how I am doing now to how I was doing four days after my previous surgery (in October), I can’t help but be thankful for how I am feeling. I still have a lot of pain in my back and on my left side, and will still have drains in for another week, but there have been no complications which I am so thankful for.   

I was so nervous going into this surgery because of what happened before. I think I made things worse for myself by not putting all of my trust in Christ. I was trying to hold on to some control of the situation and it was beginning to harden my heart. But God was gracious and brought me though this surgery so smoothly. Once again, he has opened my eyes to be reminded of where my identity is found.

It is so important for me as a Christian to be constantly reminding myself of who I am in Christ.  My identity is found in Christ and in his work for me on the cross. When I begin to get lost in the idea that the world is here for me or that my identity rests in myself – that is when despair comes. The fact that my identity is in Christ gives me hope and joy that cannot be taken away...no matter what may come in this life! As the Apostle Paul says, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Galatians 2:20)."
Yesterday I heard a great reminder of these truths in the song, "Running to You," by Shane and Shane. It fits my situation over the last couple weeks perfectly (it even talks about being barely able to stand "on a cold night in December"). The lyrics and audio are below:

"Running to You" by Shane and Shane
It’s a cold night in December
And I can barely stand
Lord help me to remember
Who I am, oh, who I am
To You

I’m a dead man raised
A liberated slave
And I’m runnin’,
To You
My hands are raised
I’m giving everything
And I’m runnin’

My heart just started beating
And Your breath filled up my lungs
My eyes are finally seeing
What You’ve done
And who I am
To You

Medical Update: A Smooth Surgery (Finally)

Posted by Matt Fray

As most of you know, Erin had surgery this morning in Charleston. She was in surgery from about 7:30am to 12:30pm, and is resting fairly comfortably now.

Compared to her previous surgeries, this one seemed to be very smooth. There were no surprises (like the discovery of more cancer February) and no difficulties (like her blood vessel problems in October). When I talked to her in the recovery area afterwards, she was sleepy and in pain, but she said that she felt far better than she had after her other surgeries. We are both so very thankful for this wonderful blessing and answer to many prayers!

As far as we know, the surgery seems to have accomplished what was intended. Two very basic things were done: the removal of her chest port, and the removal of several internal stitches which had not dissolved. And two more complex things were done: the removal of a "mystery lump" in her lower abdomen (which turned out to be another stitch and scar tissue), and a second attempt at reconstruction on her left chest (which involved taking a section of skin from the back of her left shoulder and placing it on her chest). The surgeon was very happy with how the reconstruction went (especially compared to the previous attempt), and Erin is happy that progress was made.

Lord willing, Erin's recovery will be as smooth as her surgery. Her surgeon will check in on her tomorrow morning to make sure everything is healing well, and then she can go home either Saturday or Sunday depending on how she is doing.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement!

UPDATE: I did forget one "not smooth" part of Erin's surgery. At some point during the surgery or recovery, her right eye got cut, which is causing her a lot of pain. However, she just got some prescription eye drops and the cut should be much better in 24 hours.

Medical Update: Erin's Surgery Tomorrow

Posted by Matt Fray

Tomorrow (Friday, December 30th), Erin will have one more surgery. This will be her fifth and final major cancer-related surgery this year. For an overview of what this surgery involves, you can read about it in her previous blog post. The surgery should last about 4 hours and she should be able to go home by Sunday.

While we are grateful for many things relating to this surgery (a good doctor, a surgery date before the New Year, loving family and friends who will help us with childcare and meals), we are both really dreading going through the surgery process once more. In many ways (physically, emotionally, spiritually), Erin is not quite over her ordeal in October, so it is hard to think about her taking on another challenge. I think she feels like a weary runner who is just two miles away from completing a marathon, only to discover that the last two miles of the course are uphill. Even though the finish line is closer than it has ever been, it is hard to muster the mental and physical strength needed to run the race well to its completion.

Of course, God is teaching us a lot about how to persevere through the hard times of life. When afflictions come, whatever their nature, God does not desire us to have an arrogant resilience nor a faithless despair. Rather, God calls us to trust in his sovereign presence and power, and by that trust to persevere in faith. The Puritan pastor Thomas Lye put it this way:

Times of adversity are seasonable times to trust in God. When we have no bread to eat, or water to drink, but only afflictions and astonishments, this is a time not for over-grieving, murmuring, sinking, desponding, despairing, but for trusting. In a tempest a believer must cast his anchor upward. Trust is a believer’s choicest antidote against fainting, swooning, and sinking…God often brings his people such afflictions that they do not know what to do. He does this that they might know what he can do. God is with his people at all times, but he is most sweetly with them in the worst of times.

More than once in recent weeks Erin and I have found ourselves fighting against the natural responses of grieving and murmuring as we have thought about tomorrow's surgery. We have had to ask God to give us the childlike faith he calls us to have (Luke 18:17) and the peace that passes understanding that he alone gives (Philippians 4:7).

As Erin goes in for her surgery tomorrow, please pray for three specific things. First, please pray that God would give us faith and peace. Those things have not come easily to either of us lately, and they are especially needed over the next few days. Second, please pray that the surgery would go smoothly. For those of you who have been keeping up with Erin personally or through this blog, you know that she doesn’t have a very good track record in terms of smooth surgeries, so it will only be by God’s special grace if this one goes well! Third, please pray for Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel, and for the family and friends who will care for them over the next few days. We are so thankful for those who are helping out, but will still be hard to be apart from them once more.

Thank you so much for your faithful prayers and encouragement! I will be sure to post another medical update following Erin's surgery tomorrow.

Medical Update: One More Surgery

Yesterday I had my final post-operative appointment with my surgeon at MUSC in Charleston. Overall, he was pleased with my body's recovery from my surgery in October. However, he did recommend that I have one more surgery in the coming weeks. I am not necessarily excited about going through another surgery, but this surgery will accomplish some good things and will not cost us anything since it will happen before the end of the calendar year.

Compared to my previous surgeries, this one should be relatively minor. The surgeon will do four things: (1) repair some scarring on my abdomen, (2) remove my chest port (the device that was used to administer my chemotherapy), (3) examine a painful lump in my lower abdomen, and (4) reconstruct a breast on my left side. Based on my previous consultations with my surgeon, I did not think I had any good reconstruction options available (the options were either too invasive or too complicated). But in my appointment yesterday my surgeon said I did have one more option: he could perform a TAP (or TDAP) Flap, a basic but reliable reconstructive procedure. I am very glad that I have this reconstructive option, and am thankful that my surgeon took the time to come up with a solution that is right for my particular situation.

My surgery is scheduled for December 30th. Please pray that God will give me peace as I prepare, one more time (hopefully one last time), for surgery and the recovery to follow. And please pray that the surgery itself would go smoothly and be successful in every way.

The Encouragement of Jesus' Suffering and Sympathy

As we enter this Christmas season, I have found myself continually reminding my children what Christmas means and why we celebrate it for a whole month. All of us, especially our children, are surrounded by wrong ideas about Christmas, and so it is so important to keep the real meaning of Christmas in the forefront of our minds. Christmas is the celebration of Jesus Christ, the eternal Son of God, becoming a human being in order to save us from our sin.

Sometimes I forget the fact that Jesus’ life as a human being was a life very much like ours. I was reminded of this recently from something I read as a part of my daily Bible reading. [By the way, if you are looking for an easy and organized approach to reading the Bible and you have an Apple device, I highly recommend the Reading Plan app.] In Hebrews 4:14-16 we are reminded that Jesus lived a life of weakness, suffering, and temptation, just like us. The only difference is that Jesus never sinned.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Reflecting on the details of the life Jesus lived on this earth is both humbling and encouraging. It is humbling because it reminds us that our sin was the reason he came to earth and experienced weakness, suffering, temptation, and ultimately, death. And it is encouraging because, as the verses above tell us, Jesus’ experience on earth makes him able to sympathize with us as we deal with our weaknesses, sufferings, and temptations. And as we go struggle with those things, we can look to Jesus not only for sympathy, but also for mercy and grace. None of us can deal with something like suffering without sinning. In fact, suffering usually reveals more of our sins to us, forcing us to see our need for Jesus’ mercy and grace.

As we enter this Christmas season, I am praying that I will keep the realities of Jesus’ birth and life in the forefront of my mind. And I am praying that Jesus’ sympathy, mercy, and grace will continue to be a great comfort and encouragement to me as I continue on in this life of weakness, suffering, and temptation.

Thanksgiving Blessings

I was so blessed to be able to spend Thanksgiving with my family this past week. We traveled up to Lookout Mountain, Georgia, to be with my aunt and uncle, my cousins and their families, my grandparents, my mom and her husband, and my sisters and their families; that’s a total of 26 people comprised of 9 family units representing four generations. Needless to say, some of the logistics were a bit crazy (fourteen of us – including six children under the age of five – stayed in one three bedroom house). But to be together, and to be reminded of God’s covenant faithfulness to those four generations, was a fun and beautiful thing. It has been hard for me to live far away from my family, especially during this past year, so I really value the time I am able to spend with them.

It was especially neat to sit down with all 26 people in one room and spend time hearing how the Lord has been working in each family’s life over the past year. I shared about how I have seen God care for my body and my soul in this past year. Last Thanksgiving, I had just started losing my hair because of my chemotherapy treatments, and I was dealing with a harsh allergic reaction to the contrast dye used in a recent MRI. This Thanksgiving, I am cancer free and can point to a multitude of things God has taught me through both good circumstances and hard circumstances. I am so thankful for what God has done in this past year!

During our family’s last meal together my grandfather read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

            For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

            a time to be born, and a time to die;

            a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

            a time to kill, and a time to heal;

            a time to break down, and a time to build up;

            a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

            a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

            a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

            a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

            a time to seek, and a time to lose;

            a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

            a time to tear, and a time to sew;

            a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

            a time to love, and a time to hate;

            a time for war, and a time for peace.

It was neat to reflect on how these verses applied to my year, as well as to those of my other family members. God has given me times to heal, times to weep, times to laugh, times to embrace, times to speak, times to lose, and times to love. Not all of those times have been easy, but they have all been given to me in God’s wisdom and faithfulness. What a comfort it is to know that our times are in His hands (Psalm 31:15)!

Hope for Savannah

Over the past few months, I have had the privilege to work together with a wonderful organization here in Savannah called Hope for Savannah. It is a Christian ministry that reaches out to people who are dealing with serious illnesses and to their families. Their goal is to show these families that there can be "hope" even in the midst of hard times by pointing them to Jesus Christ, the only Savior from sin and source of true life. They also work hard to meet a lot of the practical needs of the patients and their families.

There are many ways to learn more about Hope for Savannah and to help them minister to patients and their families. Obviously, you can pray for this ministry and those it is reaching. Another easy thing you can do is to “like” their Facebook page. They regularly send out prayer requests, volunteer updates, and fundraising information. You can also check out their website, which they are currently in the process of updating.

One of the features they are adding to their website is a series of videos about different people’s experiences with major illnesses, and their testimony about finding hope in Christ. A few weeks ago they came to our house to do a video with Matt and me. You can check out the video below.



I pray that God will continue to use Hope for Savannah to show others that our true hope is in Christ!

Stubbornness vs. Steadfast Love

Many times in the past month I have questioned why God has allowed such physical and emotional trials. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in October of 2010, I felt as if God had put this cancer in my life in order draw me closer to Him. He did that as He repeatedly opened my eyes to see and confess my sin, trust in His goodness, and be strengthened by His grace. Every time I “learned my lesson,” I thought the road would end there. But then another physical trial would come and the “trial-confession-trust-strength” cycle would repeat itself in a new set of circumstances.

But after this last surgery my faith was weak. The “trial” phase was painfully long and I was just plain tired of being "strengthened" by God in this way. At times, I was angry and stubbornly resisted any thought that God could strengthen me after such a physically exhausting and emotionally discouraging process.

But sure enough, though it took a little longer, God still pulled me back to him. I was once again reminded that He will not let me go, even when I am pushing Him away. My stubbornness is no match for His steadfast love.

A Faithful Husband

I have been feeling better and better over the past several days. This next week will be my first week watching all three kids by myself and I am looking forward to having that quality time with them. My pain from the surgery is lessening and my blood levels are getting higher and higher. Through God's reminders to me in his Word, and through the encouragement and prayers of God's people my heart has been strengthened as well.

I was in to see my oncologist yesterday and everything looked good. They decided to have me get a shot in order to keep me from getting recurring cysts. They also decided to run a genetic test for a blood clotting disorder. If it turns out that I have this gene I will have to stop my Tamoxifen (the cancer medicine that I am taking for 5 years). Please pray that this test would come back with no genetic sign.

As I look back over this past month, I have realized just how thankful I am for my husband. He stayed by my side every day in the hospital. He has taken care of all three kids, and has been the one to coordinate help with childcare if we have needed it. He has cooked meals, cleaned the house, washed clothes, bathed children, and this weekend he even painted part of the house! And he did all this while working at church preparing lessons, planning activities, and shepherding the congregation. Matt has had a lot on his plate in this past year, but he has faithfully taken care of his family and has never stopped encouraging us through God's Word. The only way I know to thank him is to be the best wife I can be and encourage him daily in the same way he has for me. Thanks, Mattie, for being such a wonderful and faithful husband and for reflecting the Bible's command, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

I have had fun this week hanging out with my younger sister Bekah. She came in town all the way from Colorado to help me this week. This was a big sacrifice for her because she has two little ones at home about the same ages as Samuel and Hudson. I understand first hand how hard it can be to be away from your children. Little did she know what she was getting herself into when she agreed to come: not only are my kids "slightly" noisy and active, but she got roped into helping paint part of our house as well! Thanks so much Bekah!

Weakness to Strength

These past few weeks have been harder than I had imagined they would be. Along with a painful recovery process, I have been struggling with many emotions, as well, like frustration, sadness, and loneliness. And so many “why questions” have been going through my mind. Why did part of my reconstruction not work? Why has my recovery been so hard? Why do I continue to have more and more painful health issues? And why do I feel so lonely?

After being reminded of the same Scripture passage by a couple different people, I realized God may be trying to show me something. Hard headed as I am, it took me a few times to read it and actually apply it to myself. The passage is Isaiah 40:28-31. 

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted, but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This passage describes exactly how I have been feeling: faint, weary, and exhausted – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But God is never faint or weary in any way. He is infinite in strength and stands ready to give that strength to those who wait for Him. And so through the strength God supplies, I can mount up with wings like eagles; I can run and not be weary; I can walk and not faint.

Will this happen if I continue to focus on and worry about my weariness? No. Jesus commands me not to worry, and I must look to the strength God supplies. I need to let go of my worries and trust that God will, once again, take my hand and lead me through this season of life. Only He has the power to soften a hard heart and strengthen a weak heart. And so it is my prayer that He will continue to both soften and strengthen my heart so that I will trust that His plan for me is good.

I would appreciate continued prayer for my healing. Most likely, I will not be able to have any reconstruction done in the next few years and I am realizing that my chest might not ever be "normal" again. Those things are hard to deal with, but I know that I am beautiful in God’s sight.

I also want to thank those of you who have been helping Matt and me with the kids. You have been a great blessing to us and we certainly could not go through this recovery process without you!

Hudson, Lydia, and Samuel at our church's Fall Festival with Matt's mom.

Movie night with the kids.

Medical Update: A Chest Half-Full (Not Half-Empty)

As most of you know, I had reconstructive surgery at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston last Wednesday (10/12). Following the ten-hour surgery (in which tissue from my abdomen was used to reconstruct my chest), I had two main complications that were both related to my blood system.



I began bleeding internally in my chest on the Friday morning following the surgery (10/14). The loss of blood made me incredibly weak and really messed up my blood levels, so I had to have a blood transfusion to stabilize me. It took several days for my body to recover from that difficulty, but I was finally able to go home from the hospital the following Wednesday (10/19).



Some MUSC residents discussing my internal bleeding.

It was so good to be able to be home and see the kids. The night before we returned home I was looking through pictures of the kids on my phone and I just couldn’t stop crying. I missed them so much! God was so gracious in allowing me to be able to come home to see my babies. As it turns out, I was only able to spend a day with them before returning to the hospital in Charleston.

Hudson and Samuel getting ready to watch the Cardinals play in the NLCS.

Lydia at Hudson and Samuel's train-themed birthday party.

The day after I returned from the hospital (Thursday, 10/20) I developed a blood clot on the left side of my chest. I began having significant pain, swelling, and bleeding from my incisions, so I knew something was definitely wrong. Shortly after midnight I called my surgeon and described my symptoms. He told me to come back to Charleston immediately so he could see what was happening and to make a decision about what to do. Thankfully, my mom was in town to help with the kids, so she came to the house and Matt and I made the long, painful, nerve-wrecking drive to Charleston. Matt hates driving when he is tired and he hadn’t gone to bed before I began having problems, so that drive was especially hard for him.

We arrived at the hospital at 3am on Friday morning (10/21) and it was quickly determined that I needed surgery to resolve the situation. The clot was in the vein dedicated to taking blood away from my newly formed tissue flap on my left chest. If the vein remained clotted, the tissue flap would be consumed by blood and would die. So in order to preserve my reconstructed left chest, surgery was absolutely necessary. I was in surgery from 6:30am to 10:30am, allowing the surgeons to remove the clot and repair the vein. My surgeon was not sure what caused the vein to clot, but was pleased with the quality of the vein following surgery. He and his team were very diligent in checking the vein regularly for healthy blood flow, and it initially appeared to be working well.

Heading towards the operating room before my final surgery.

But about twenty-four hours after the vein repair surgery, on Saturday morning (10/22), I once again started having pain, swelling, and bleeding in my left chest. My surgeon quickly came to the hospital and sure enough, there was no blood flowing through the vein. For the second time in two days, the vein had clotted. And for the second time in two days, I had to go back into surgery. Sadly, despite their best efforts, my surgeon was not able to repair the vein. In one last attempt to save my reconstructed chest, he removed a vein from my left ankle and attempted to connect that to my tissue and chest vein. But after about an hour, that new hybrid vein clotted as well. My arteries were delivering blood to my chest, but I had no vein to pump the blood out again. There was nothing left to do except remove the tissue transplant. My surgeon had spent months preparing my chest to receive these two tissue transplants, and had spent dozens of hours in the operating room attaching and forming the tissue in order to restore my chest’s natural shape. But now one of the transplants was going to die; it literally had to be cut out and thrown away. My surgeon and his team have performed over five hundred of these surgeries, and I was the first person who has ever lost a transplant due to vein failure. 

When I woke up in the recovery room I asked myself, “I wonder if I have missed any of the Cardinals game (Game 3 of the World Series).” And after the surgeon told me that I had lost my reconstruction, my mind quickly shifted to the seriousness of the situation and I asked myself, “Why would God allow this to happen? Isn’t it enough to have cancer? Isn’t it enough to have complications in my cancer treatments? Isn’t it enough to have multiple blood transfusions and surgeries to sustain reconstructions? Why would God put me through all of this just to have half of my new chest thrown away?” I waited for answers, truths, and Bible verses that I had hidden in my heart to pop into my head. Quick, easy answers didn't come. But a phrase from 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 kept coming to mind, “You are not your own. You were bought with a price, so glorify God in your body.” I may not have all of the answers to my questions, but God's call on me is the same: glorify me, glorify me in your body, glorify me even in your broken body.

For my chest to be broken is very discouraging – both for me and for my surgeon. My body is only half-way repaired, and his work was only half-way successful. But to borrow and modify a common saying, my perspective on the situation is this: “my chest is half-full, not half-empty.” Sure, it’s discouraging that the left side of my reconstruction was lost after so much work. And it’s very discouraging that I am now left with no good options for reconstruction on that side. But I am so thankful for my surgeon’s hard work, and I truly am thankful that half of my reconstructive surgery was successful. As Matt has reminded me, the shape of my chest doesn’t change my beauty one bit. And as God’s Word has reminded me, my beauty isn’t defined by the shape of my body, but by the quality of my soul.

In the days and weeks to come I hope to be able to discern more answers to some of my "why" questions. But for now, I can take comfort and joy in the fact that God is good, faithful, and will be glorified even in this tough situation. And of course, it doesn’t hurt that the Cardinals won their game last night thanks to a record-breaking performance by Albert Pujols…and that I get to watch them again tonight. Go Redbirds!