I Don't Know Why

I don't know why...
 
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I have had some bleeding problems for the past 6 months.  They finally decided that I need to have a CT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy procedure to rule out kidney disease or bladder cancer that my chemo could have caused.  
 
I don't know why I got cancer...
I don't know why I had to do treatments...
I don't know why I was allergic to the treatment...
i don't know why they found more...
I don't know why my surgery went wrong...
I don't know why my body developed heart issues...
I don't know why my body is so weak...
I don't know why my kidneys are having problems....
 
All I KNOW is that God is in control and he WILL NOT give me anything that I cannot handle with His help.  

All I KNOW is that God is giving me these trials in my body to draw me to have a deeper dependance on Him.

All I KNOW is that it is not my job to worry about my health, but trust that the great physician will heal me completely, whether that be here on earth or in heaven.

All I KNOW is that I have the joy of giving Christ the glory in all circumstances because he is my King!
 
I was reading in the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow and she spoke to my heart through a chapter focusing on Habakkuk and the "why" question:
 

Habakkuk was to live by faith. This same statement is repeated three times in the New Testament: "The just shall live by faith" (Romans 1:17; Galatians 3:11; Hebrews 10:38). In other words, God didn't explain why; instead He told Habakkuk to trust Him with all his whys. Habakkuk was to trust God for what he didn't understand, what he couldn't see. He was to walk in the dark with God.
 
From a human perspective, this answer is frustrating. We want to know why. Surely God should explain Himself to us. Sometimes He does, but often He does not. God is God and He doesn't need to explain Himself. If we could fully comprehend God, He wouldn't be God -- He would be like us. In those instances when God doesn't tell us why, we will have to wait until we're in heaven for our answers.
 
Habakkuk realized this. Although he didn't get the response he wanted, he affirmed that God is God, in spite of Habakkuk's human lack of comprehension. Habakkuk praised God in his spirit, yet in his body he was quaking in his boots! "I heard and my inward parts trembled, at the sound my lips quivered. Decay enters my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress, for the people to arise who will invade us (Habakkuk 3:16)."
 
I love this description of this dear saint -- trembling, in agony of spirit, in so much pain that he said his bones were decaying! This encourages me, as my body often rebels when I'm trying to trust in my spirit. And even though his body and soul were quaking, Habakkuk declared what I believe is the most beautiful proclamation of faith in the Bible.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places (Habakkuk 3:17-19).

 
What an incredible statement of trust in God!
 
My hope is that I will not keep asking myself why, but that I will trust God with all the whys. Please pray that I can get these tests done and have nothing to worry about before I go in for my final surgery. Thank you for your prayers!
 

Medical Update: A Smooth Surgery (Finally)

Posted by Matt Fray

As most of you know, Erin had surgery this morning in Charleston. She was in surgery from about 7:30am to 12:30pm, and is resting fairly comfortably now.

Compared to her previous surgeries, this one seemed to be very smooth. There were no surprises (like the discovery of more cancer February) and no difficulties (like her blood vessel problems in October). When I talked to her in the recovery area afterwards, she was sleepy and in pain, but she said that she felt far better than she had after her other surgeries. We are both so very thankful for this wonderful blessing and answer to many prayers!

As far as we know, the surgery seems to have accomplished what was intended. Two very basic things were done: the removal of her chest port, and the removal of several internal stitches which had not dissolved. And two more complex things were done: the removal of a "mystery lump" in her lower abdomen (which turned out to be another stitch and scar tissue), and a second attempt at reconstruction on her left chest (which involved taking a section of skin from the back of her left shoulder and placing it on her chest). The surgeon was very happy with how the reconstruction went (especially compared to the previous attempt), and Erin is happy that progress was made.

Lord willing, Erin's recovery will be as smooth as her surgery. Her surgeon will check in on her tomorrow morning to make sure everything is healing well, and then she can go home either Saturday or Sunday depending on how she is doing.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement!

UPDATE: I did forget one "not smooth" part of Erin's surgery. At some point during the surgery or recovery, her right eye got cut, which is causing her a lot of pain. However, she just got some prescription eye drops and the cut should be much better in 24 hours.

Medical Update: One More Surgery

Yesterday I had my final post-operative appointment with my surgeon at MUSC in Charleston. Overall, he was pleased with my body's recovery from my surgery in October. However, he did recommend that I have one more surgery in the coming weeks. I am not necessarily excited about going through another surgery, but this surgery will accomplish some good things and will not cost us anything since it will happen before the end of the calendar year.

Compared to my previous surgeries, this one should be relatively minor. The surgeon will do four things: (1) repair some scarring on my abdomen, (2) remove my chest port (the device that was used to administer my chemotherapy), (3) examine a painful lump in my lower abdomen, and (4) reconstruct a breast on my left side. Based on my previous consultations with my surgeon, I did not think I had any good reconstruction options available (the options were either too invasive or too complicated). But in my appointment yesterday my surgeon said I did have one more option: he could perform a TAP (or TDAP) Flap, a basic but reliable reconstructive procedure. I am very glad that I have this reconstructive option, and am thankful that my surgeon took the time to come up with a solution that is right for my particular situation.

My surgery is scheduled for December 30th. Please pray that God will give me peace as I prepare, one more time (hopefully one last time), for surgery and the recovery to follow. And please pray that the surgery itself would go smoothly and be successful in every way.

Weakness to Strength

These past few weeks have been harder than I had imagined they would be. Along with a painful recovery process, I have been struggling with many emotions, as well, like frustration, sadness, and loneliness. And so many “why questions” have been going through my mind. Why did part of my reconstruction not work? Why has my recovery been so hard? Why do I continue to have more and more painful health issues? And why do I feel so lonely?

After being reminded of the same Scripture passage by a couple different people, I realized God may be trying to show me something. Hard headed as I am, it took me a few times to read it and actually apply it to myself. The passage is Isaiah 40:28-31. 

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted, but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This passage describes exactly how I have been feeling: faint, weary, and exhausted – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But God is never faint or weary in any way. He is infinite in strength and stands ready to give that strength to those who wait for Him. And so through the strength God supplies, I can mount up with wings like eagles; I can run and not be weary; I can walk and not faint.

Will this happen if I continue to focus on and worry about my weariness? No. Jesus commands me not to worry, and I must look to the strength God supplies. I need to let go of my worries and trust that God will, once again, take my hand and lead me through this season of life. Only He has the power to soften a hard heart and strengthen a weak heart. And so it is my prayer that He will continue to both soften and strengthen my heart so that I will trust that His plan for me is good.

I would appreciate continued prayer for my healing. Most likely, I will not be able to have any reconstruction done in the next few years and I am realizing that my chest might not ever be "normal" again. Those things are hard to deal with, but I know that I am beautiful in God’s sight.

I also want to thank those of you who have been helping Matt and me with the kids. You have been a great blessing to us and we certainly could not go through this recovery process without you!

Hudson, Lydia, and Samuel at our church's Fall Festival with Matt's mom.

Movie night with the kids.

Medical Update: Progress

Posted by Matt Fray

After a couple days of difficulty, Erin is finally making some good progress in her recovery from her surgery. Though the doctors are still watching her carefully for blood loss and infection, her body is growing stronger. She is off her IV's, has been up and out of bed for a few minutes several times today, and is eating better as well. She might not feel like she is getting better (she is still very tired and is frequently in pain), but she really is doing much better.

If she keeps working hard to eat well and keeps her body active, and if she isn't slowed by any more complications, we should return home on Tuesday or Wednesday. It will be wonderful to get home; we're eager to see the kids, and I'm excited about being able to sleep in bed instead of a chair! We are so thankful for the family and friends that are helping care for Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel while we are here in Charleston.

As you pray for Erin, please pray especially for her perseverance in this recovery process. She has had and will have to push through a lot of pain and discomfort - even for basic tasks like finding a comfortable position to sleep in, moving across a room, and eating. Pray that she would have the determination to do what is necessary to strengthen her body, and that her hope and joy in Christ would be steadfast all the while. Also, please pray for grace and patience for me as I help care for her here in the hospital and at home. Pray that I would be faithful to serve her in humility and love in deeds of service, words of encouragement, and spiritual nurture just as God in Christ has done for me (Matthew 20:28; Ephesians 5:28-30; Philippians 2:3-8).

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh,

but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

because we are members of his body.

Ephesians 5:28-30 

Medical Update: A Slow Recovery

Posted by Matt Fray

As most of you know, Erin had reconstructive surgery on Wednesday. She made good improvement on Thursday, getting her pain under better control and, though it was very difficult, even got out of bed to sit in a chair for an hour or so. But her recovery process slowed down on Friday.

For those of you who don't have the time or desire to read the medical play-by-play, here's the authorized Cliff Notes version:

• Erin began having internal bleeding in her chest on Friday morning. 
• She lost enough blood that she needed to have some blood infused on Friday evening. 
• She is now being monitored to see if her body will heal the bleeding itself or if surgery is required.

And for those of you who appreciate medical details, or who love Erin so much they want to know everything that is going on, or who simply have spare time on their hands today, here's the unabridged version:

• Erin began having internal bleeding in her chest on Friday morning. Throughout the morning she became increasingly weak and pale (even her lips turned white). In addition, her temperature and heart rate were rising steadily, her blood pressure was falling, and bruises were appearing on her chest. So in the afternoon the doctors did an ultrasound (to check for excess fluid in her chest) an some blood tests (to measure her hemoglobin count, which helps indicate blood loss). The ultrasound did show excess fluid and her hemoglobin count was very low (a normal hemoglobin count for a female is 12, and hers was at 4). While some blood loss is normal following surgery (because of the blood thinner used during and after surgery), she was losing too much.
• She lost enough blood that she needed to have some blood infused on Friday evening. While the doctors wanted to avoid giving her blood (because it risks the viability of the transplanted tissue), they determined that the blood loss was affecting her overall health in such a way that she really needed the infusion. So on Friday evening she was given 3 units of blood. She quickly regained her color and strength (enough to watch the Cardinals win Game 5 of the NCLS), her hemoglobin count rose to 8, and we both got a good night's sleep.  
• She is now being monitored to see if her body will heal the bleeding itself or if surgery is required. While her improvement last night was encouraging, it will take a day or so to see if her body continues to improve. So far today she does seem to be maintaining her strength (as you can see in the picture to the right, she even got out of bed to sit in a chair for a while this morning), though her hemoglobin count is down to 6 (it is normal for the hemoglobin to rise dramatically following an infusion and then fall slightly). Her doctor came by about an hour ago and he said he anticipates that her blood loss will stop now (since the blood thinner is completely out of her system) and that her body will be able to absorb any lost blood. However, there is still the possibility that a surgery would be needed at some point if the problem persists.

We are very thankful that Erin's condition has improved since yesterday. Please continue to pray that God would heal her body so that she can avoid another surgery. Lord willing, she will continue improving and will be able to go home on Monday.

Medical Update: Yesterday's Surgery

Posted by Matt Fray

As most of you know, Erin had reconstructive surgery yesterday at the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) in Charleston, South Carolina. The procedure she had done is fairly new, first developed by a surgeon here in Charleston several years ago, and involves taking skin tissue from the abdomen to reconstruct "natural tissue" breasts.

The surgery was scheduled to take 6-8 hours, but they worked on Erin for just over 10 hours. Apparently the doctors had a little trouble reattaching the venous vein on Erin's left side, so they took their time to make sure it was attached well and providing good blood flow. Though it made for a long day for me sitting in the waiting room (along with our pastor, John Fender), I'm thankful for good doctors who care more about doing things right than doing things quickly! The most encouraging part of Erin's surgery is that it appears that all of the transplanted tissue is infection free and will survive successfully. Whenever tissue is transplanted, there are risks of infection and tissue decay, so we are very thankful that neither of those appear to be issues for Erin.

I first saw Erin about an hour after she came out of surgery. Despite being highly medicated and in great pain, her first words to me were, "How was your day? Did you get a lot of work done? When does the Cardinals game start?" For those of you who know Erin well, I'm sure her interest in my day and her excitement about the Cardinals playoffs run come as no surprise to you. Still, since I am someone who struggles with being self-centered, Erin's selflessness never ceases to amaze me. In sickness and in health, in busyness and in boredom, Erin consistently disregards her own issues in order to focus on the needs of her husband, her children, and her friends.

Erin spent the night in the ICU, partially due to a shortage of rooms in the normal post-surgery wing, but also to allow her to have greater attention from the nursing staff. The nurses in the normal post-surgery wing are each responsible for 4-5 patients, but in the ICU they are only responsible for 2. I'm thankful that she is being taken care of so well! And I'm thankful that the ICU staff allowed me to stay in the room with Erin last night, since ordinarily visitors are only allowed in the ICU for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. Lord willing, Erin will require less attention throughout the day today and she can move to a normal room where she can get more rest. The care in the ICU is great, but it's also less private and more noisy than a normal room.

As you pray for Erin's recovery, please pray especially that her pain will subside so that she will be able to get some sleep. And you can pray that she will gain enough strength to begin getting out of bed and moving around a little bit, as that will help her recovery.

My Body Rests Secure

Matt and I are in Charleston tonight, getting ready for my reconstructive surgery which is scheduled for 7am tomorrow morning. Lord willing, this will be the end of a long road in dealing with my cancer and I am thankful that it is almost over.

Since I will be in the hospital for the next five days and will miss being with my boys on their birthdays (Samuel will be 1 tomorrow and Hudson will be 3 on Sunday), we celebrated their birthdays this past weekend. I can’t believe that Samuel is already a year old! He has become quite a tough, fast, and energetic little boy, but he is as sweet as can be! He tends to need his cuddle with mommy in between climbing the table and getting into the toilet. J 

On the other hand, it seems like Hudson has been two years old forever – so I am very glad he is turning three. He has developed quite a personality; always the comedian and always very particular about things (for instance, if you try calling him “buddy” or “son,” he will firmly remind you that his name is Hudson). I am so blessed by all three of my precious children! 

I am so thankful that my sister Katie came in town today from St. Louis to take care of the kids for the next several days. I am sure she would appreciate your prayers! J It was hard to say goodbye to the kids this morning, especially Lydia because she is very aware of what is going on. She remembers what it was like the last time I had surgery, so she has not been looking forward to the next several weeks. But I know that they will have so much fun with Auntie KK, Matt's mom, and my mom as they each come help out over the next two weeks!

Before I left town I was able to visit my friend Elizabeth St. Clair as she was in the hospital having baby boy number three! It brought back mixed emotions being at the same hospital, in a very similar delivery room, with the same doctor, exactly one year ago when I was having Samuel. It was sad thinking about the events that led to me finding out about my cancer, but it gave me joy thinking that I have come so far only through the help of my faithful savior Jesus Christ. And of course it gives me great joy to know that Elizabeth will be welcoming another beautiful boy to her sweet family!

It is intimidating and overwhelming thinking about tomorrow and the weeks of recovery to come, but God’s Word is a tremendous source of comfort. A friend of mine recently pointed me to Psalm 16:8-11, which says,

I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

On the eve of major surgery, it is an unspeakable comfort to know that not only my soul, but also my body rests secure in God’s hands!

Medical Update: Preparing for Reconstructive Surgery

Matt and I went to Charleston yesterday for two pre-op appointments for my reconstructive surgery which is scheduled for next Wednesday, October 12th, at the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC). It was a long day, but it was good to spend time alone with Matt and to get everything ready for the surgery. Still, it was not fun to think about having the surgery. For the past six weeks, I have been healthier, stronger, and more active than any time in the past year, so it is hard to think about going back into surgery and dealing with another long recovery process.

You may remember that our original plan was to have this surgery at the same time as my double mastectomy in February, but they had to cancel the reconstructive part of the surgery because they discovered a second tumor in my lymph nodes. So after more chemotherapy and radiation, it is finally time for reconstruction. The reconstructive surgery I will be having is called a DIEP (Deep Interior Epigastric Perforator) Flap surgery. This is a specialized surgery that is only performed regularly at a few hospitals throughout the country, MUSC being one of them. As the name indicates, the surgery involves removing interior tissue from the abdomen and using it to reform the breasts. If you want to learn more about the surgery, you can watch a short informational video about the DIEP Flap surgery here. The surgery should last about 6-8 hours. Following the surgery, I will probably spend 4-5 days in the hospital for my initial recovery, though it will take around 6 weeks to make a full recovery. 

After my appointments in Charleston, we made the two-hour trip back home and arrived just a few minutes before the youth group from our church came over for Bible Study. I love having the youth group over - they have such energy and joy, and it is a privilege to help them understand God's Word! We ended the evening around the fire pit in the backyard, enjoying s'mores and a time of prayer for my surgery as well as several other needs in the group. It is so amazing that God invites us to cast our cares on Him, the God of the universe! To think that He hears us, loves us, and will answer our prayers is an amazing reality I too often take for granted.

As we prepare for my surgery, I would appreciate your prayers. Please pray that the surgery is a success and that my recovery would go smoothly. Also, please pray for the kids while Matt and I are in Charleston for the surgery and initial recovery. My older sister will be here with the kids for the first several days, and then Matt's mom will come for a few days. And pray for Matt, especially when we return home and he has to balance caring for me, the kids, and keeping up with his work responsibilities. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

Medical Update

I am very thankful to be done with my cancer treatments, but in terms of my overall health things have not been going too smoothly since I finished radiation last month. In some ways, I have had to resign myself to the fact that my burden in life, at least for now, is my physical body and its sickness. This is the second time that the “end” of my health problems seemed to be in sight, but in the blink of an eye the road continued. The first time was my surgery in February. When I went in for surgery I was supposed to wake up and be done with everything, but when I woke up I found out they found more cancer and I would need to have more treatments and surgery. Now, within a few weeks of finishing my treatments, I have developed a very large cyst, a tear in my hip, and some other health problems that are causing me to be very weak and fatigued.

While my burden right now is with my body, some people are dealing with just as much if not more in other areas: emotions, finances, relationships, or spiritual life. So I have been thinking a lot about the comfort and hope that God gives us when our road seems lonely and never ending. At our wedding, Matt and I recited the first question and answer from the Heidelberg Catechism as a reminder that our ultimate comfort is not in each other, but in Jesus Christ. The catechism question asks, “What is your only comfort in life and in death?” And the answer says, 

That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven: in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to him, Christ, by His Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

 

What an incredible reminder this is for me! These words help to bring me back to the simple truth that Christ is my faithful Savior and that I can live for him wholeheartedly. If God watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without it being a part of his will, then he definitely is also watching over every pain and weakness in my body. And somehow, though it is hard for me to endure right now, he is using it all for HIS good and HIS glory. Not only is God in control of all things, but he is faithful – he is, “my faithful savior Jesus Christ.” He does not need to prove his faithfulness over and over again (though he does) because he gave us the ultimate proof of his faithfulness in fulfilling his promise to save us even when we did not deserve it, and even when it meant the death of his own son. I pray that God will continually use those truths to make me wholeheartedly willing and ready to live for him!

I met with my surgeon today to plan for the reconstructive surgery that I will have in October. Since I have healed well from radiation (that’s at least one health issue to be thankful for), he gave me the “go ahead” to schedule the surgery for early October (provided my other health issues do not interfere between now and then). Since my surgeon is in Charleston, South Carolina (a two-hour drive from Pooler) we decided to spend the day there as a family. We spent the morning at the children’s museum and the afternoon in the doctor’s office. The kids had just about as much fun at both places! They enjoyed looking out over the city from the doctor’s seventh-floor office. Apparently there was an earthquake while we were up there too. We did not notice it, but the doctor and several other people said they noticed the building moving a bit.

 

I would greatly appreciate continued prayers for my health as I battle these remaining health issues. Please pray that the doctors would have wisdom in treating me and that I would patiently wait for God to heal me in his perfect timing.

Vacation in Florida

What a blessing it was to be able to have a time away with my family for the past week! We were in Florida with my mom, her husband Ned, my grandparents, my sister Katie, her husband Chris, and her kids Ella, J-Rod, and Lily.

The Cousins: Lily, J-Rod, Hudson, Lydia, Samuel, and Ella

If you know me at all you know I love the beach. As a matter of fact, my whole family loves the beach. So when we go to Florida each August for vacation we spend all day every day at the beach. The kids loved playing in the sand and in the pool! And of course we all enjoyed spending time together with family. We played games (my mom even learned how to play a game on the iPad), read, ran, ate, slept, golfed, swam, and enjoyed lots of great conversation. And Florida is absolutely beautiful, so I also enjoyed the beauty of God's creation: the green-blue water, hundreds of unique seashells, and watching sunsets and thunderstorms.

One of the most memorable times this week was one night that Matt and I went on a "date" out to the beach to take a walk. It was completely dark. The beach was lit by a sky full of stars. It was amazing and beautiful. Matt and I had a chance to talk about our year together and the year ahead. We prayed together while sitting under the stars. It was amazing to me to think about the fact that we were able to talk to the same God that created every one of those stars and who knew the number of sands that were under our feet! Having that realization helped me to remember that He is and will continue to take care of His children and provide all we need!

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?"

Psalm 8:3-4

I am so thankful that I have felt well this week. I was very tired the first few days and my skin was painful.  But it has healed very well! I was not able to stay completely out of the sun, but I think that helped the healing process. :) Please continue to pray for me as I will be starting my Tamoxifen medication tomorrow. Also, I will have various doctors appointments for the next few weeks to follow-up from my radiation and to prepare for my surgery in October.

I am glad to be home now and look forward to continuing with the things that God has for me here...including jury duty starting Monday! :)

My mom, me, and my older sister Katie

 

My grandparents, John and Lavon Buswell



Being Reminded of God's Word // July Update

I have not felt very “inspired” to write any entries for my blog lately. I have been very busy and have been feeling somewhat discouraged with my body. I know that is no excuse. It is good to make myself sit down and just listen to what God has to say to me through His word and take time to reflect on what he is teaching me through these trials, and I have not done that lately. 

I have been receiving encouraging letters from a dear friend over the past 5 months. She has been so dedicated to writing me every week and giving me encouraging thoughts and words from God’s word. When I opened my friend’s letter this week I was reminded of the importance of listening to what God is teaching me through these trials. She enclosed the words from 2 Corinthians 4:7-14. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.”

Whatever I am going through here on earth, I am not alone. God’s grace is holding me and renewing me day by day. I am praying that I would “not lose heart” because the life of Christ is being revealed. 

I am finishing up my final 10 treatments of radiation. Radiation itself has gone smoothly so far. The only side effects I have experienced have been fatigue and burned/irritated skin. Other than that I have been dealing with multiple sinus infections and a chronic cough that has yet to be diagnosed. I will be starting a new medication in two weeks that is kind of like an oral chemo (Tamoxifen). I will take it for 3-5 years in order to prevent my cancer from coming back. I am a little worried about this medicine because the two main side effects are blood clots/stroke, and uterine cancer. It is hard for me to justify doing these various cancer treatments when I don’t know if they will do more harm than good. But I just need to trust the fact that God has put my doctors over me and is using their knowledge and wisdom about these illnesses in order to help me.

I would appreciate prayers as I enter into this new phase of treatment. Pray that my body will stay strong and energized as I take care of my three precious children. Pray that my mind will stay positive, joyful, and focused on Christ as I move ahead. Also, please pray for an interesting opportunity I have to share my story this weekend. I have been selected to participate with several other breast cancer survivors in the American Cancer Society’s “Voices and Faces” campaign which will highlight breast cancer during the month of October. I have a photo shoot and interview at WSAV on Saturday, July 23rd. This is an exciting opportunity for me to share my story and what God has been teaching me during this journey. Please pray that God use me to glorify him through that interview.

Erin and Samuel.



We are missing out on U2's tour of the United States this Summer, so
Lydia decided to dress up as Bono and give us a performance instead!



Samuel's first haircut.



Samuel has learned to crawl, pull-up, cruise, and walk a little in the past few weeks.
He seems to get himself into all kinds of interesting situations with his new skills!



Lydia and Bethany on July Fourth.



Matt, Lydia, and Hudson waiting for the July Fourth fireworks to begin.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: Fray Family Vacation '11

Hudson checking out the view from 30,000 feet...

Enjoying the plane ride to St. Louis...

This past week we took a family vacation to visit family and friends in St. Louis. I had about two weeks in between the end of my chemo treatments and the beginning of my radiation treatments (which start this week), so we had a pretty tight window of time to get away. Of course, family vacations with three kids four and under are not necessarily relaxing. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with the kids, and it can be quite a logistical challenge to spend long hours in cars and airplanes (we flew to St. Louis and drove my mom's old mini-van back home). But it was such a blessing to spend the time with Matt, Lydia, Hudson and Samuel.

We stayed at my mom’s house and spent a lot of time with my sister Katie, her husband Chris, and their kids Ella, J-Rod, and Lilly. The cousins had a wonderful time together. We had fun doing a lot of St. Louis things like going to the zoo, eating Imo’s Pizza, walking around Kirkwood and getting snow cones, going to Trinity Church (PCA), swimming, having a BBQ, having a playdate with some wonderful friends, and of course I cannot forget my annual dentist appointment!  

Hudson and a giant horse statue...

Hudson and Samuel in their matching outfits...

Lydia and Hudson petting a goat at the St. Louis Zoo...

Hudson's sidewalk chalk self-portrait...

The view of the arch on the way out of St. Louis...

On our drive home we stopped in Chattanooga and stayed at the Chattanooga Choo Choo, an old Southern Railroad train station that has been converted into a hotel and conference center. In addition to having several trains to explore and eat in, they have some that have been converted into fully-functional hotel rooms, so we stayed in one of those train car rooms for a night. This was especially fun for Hudson because he LOVES trains! We were also able to have dinner with my Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Niel Nielson who live on Lookout Mountain, so it was great to get a chance to talk and spend a little time with them as well. 

Inside the train car room...

Matt and Hudson looking at the model train car exhibit...

Hudson trying on a Chattanooga Choo-Choo conductor's hat...

Lydia and Hudson on the steps leading to our train car room...

The outside of our train car room...

Matt and I are both coming back to several very busy weeks, but our vacation refreshed us in many ways so we are ready to go. This week Matt will be headed to the PCA's General Assembly in Virginia Beach and I will finish my radiation planning today and begin the daily treatments on Tuesday or Wednesday. I would appreciate prayers as I begin that process. I would also appreciate prayers as I try to figure out problems that I have been having with my lungs. I will see a Pulmonologist this week for that. Then in the coming weeks I will be continuing my daily radiation treatments, we will be helping with our church's annual VBS program, and Matt will take a group of students to a camp at Ridge Haven at the end of the month. Thankfully, our friend Bethany will be here to help out while Matt is out of town and while I do my daily treatments!

Thank you so much for your continued prayers for me and our whole family. I will be sure to post an update in a few days to let you know about my first radiation treatments.