Peace in the Midst of Suffering

Like most people, I have had a number of trials and sources of suffering in my life. Sometimes those things last for a season of life, and sometimes those things endure for a long time. Sometimes those things are the result of personal sin, and sometimes they are simply the result of living in a fallen world.

When trials and suffering arise, it is tempting to respond in sin, self-reliance, or despair. But I have found that it is possible to have peace in the midst of suffering. God gives peace in countless ways: some expected, some unexpected.

One of the main ways God has given me peace in the midst of suffering is when my mind is desiring His will and not my own; when I can put one hundred percent of my life and heart into His hands. Practically, I do not always feel that peace day in and day out. But in those moments where I feel anxious, alone, sad, or overwhelmed in life I trust that God will give me the peace I desire if I find my delight in Him. As Psalm 34:7 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Another way God has given me peace in the midst of suffering is by seeing how suffering reveals my weakness and His grace and strength. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul describes struggling with a "thorn in his flesh." We don't know what Paul's "thorn" was, but it was some kind of trial or suffering. It could have been a physical ailment, a sin issue, or some life circumstance. His "thorn in the flesh" was a struggle for him day in and day out, but Paul understood that God was revealing Himself through his struggle. He writes, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Sometimes God gives peace in unexpected ways. Last week, Samuel and I took a road trip to St. Louis to visit my mom who is struggling with a degenerative brain disease. She was recently moved to the care center in her nursing home and is struggling with communication, loneliness, and fear. It was hard to see her in that state, and harder still to be powerless to do anything to make her feel better. All I know to do for her is to pray that God will give her peace. I know He is able; and I know He will in His own timing and way. It was neat to have a few glimpses of joy and peace in her heart when I visited her. She was so happy to see Samuel. But one of the most amazing moments was when we heard hymns being sung outside of her room. She cannot really speak, but she motioned and groaned indicating that she wanted to go see who was singing. We found a group of residents gathered around a piano singing hymns. We joined them and sang hymns together for almost an hour. She had so much joy and peace in singing those words of truth. She can't even speak yet she was singing these wonderful words of Scripture. In the midst of her physical and emotional struggles, God gave her peace in Him.

Lastly, there is peace that comes from knowing that God has planned every trial and suffering for a good purpose. There is a song by Shane and Shane that I love which has reminded me of this so frequently over the past couple years. One version of this song has an interlude with a sermon excerpt from John Piper. Before I had left for treatment in September of 2013, I printed out his words and had them on my wall all year as a reminder that nothing we go through here on earth is meaningless. And so while there may be countless painful moments in our lives, there is a certain peace that comes from knowing that God is at work in each one of those moments.

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totallymeaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Healed vs. Healthy

I am grateful that I am at a place personally where I can look back at the past few years and view them through the lens of God's Word. There have been so many days, weeks, and even months that doing that seemed either hard or impossible. So I am grateful that God has renewed me in this way. This does not mean that I have been "healed," as if my struggle with a hard heart, selfishness, pride, depression, addiction, or other sins is somehow over and done with these things forever. There have been plenty of times I have prayed for that kind of "healing," hoping that my struggles would simply end never to return. But I've come to see that God isn't in the business of giving us instant, complete freedom from our sin. Instead, He's in the business of giving us gradual, partial purification from our sin. So as long as I am in this world I will struggle with those sins that are unique challenges for me. But God has, for today, given me a reprieve from some of the more severe ways I have struggled. I am not "healed," but I am "healthy."

A rough analogy for this is my cancer. I will never really be "healed" from cancer. I am very "healthy" in terms of my cancer; in fact, it's been nearly four years since I finished my treatments. But my cancer could come back at any time, and statistically speaking, the chances of that happening are significant. And so I have to take preventative cancer medicine every day, visit my oncologist regularly, and be sure to watch for certain physical warning signs of a relapse. In the same way, I need to take preventative measures against my sin as well. I need to be reading and meditating on God's Word, in relationships with other people, trusting in God's will and not my own, and in prayer. I cannot be "healed" by those things, but they can help me be "healthy."

God has given me joy in this day of my journey, and for today my eyes are fixed on Him. He has given me daily sufficient grace. That is ultimately the result of God's work in me, but it has also come through a lot of personal effort and many prayers that God would work in my heart.

As you may know, music has always been a big part of my life. It often helps me connect my emotions with my thoughts. As I have written these posts, I have often been reminded of songs and lyrics that have encouraged me in specific ways. The song I included below is a song I have listened to many times in the past year. It is a helpful reminder that I will ALWAYS be in need of God's grace, and he will never fail to give it. As the chorus says, I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?" And You answer: "My child, I love you. And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

Looking Back // Looking Forward

A lot has happened in the past three years since I last posted regularly to this blog. In many ways, it has been one long “night” in my life, meaning a season of difficulty. 

In February of 2013, I found out I was pregnant. I was really surprised because I was on a medication that was supposed to "shut down" my ovaries and protect against my estrogen-receptor cancer returning. While I was initially excited about the possibility of having a fourth child, I knew the pregnancy was pretty risky, both for me and for the baby. It was risky for me because in order for the baby to survive I would have to take hormones that might cause my cancer to return. And it was risky for the baby because I had so many medications in my system. But within just a few days of finding out I was pregnant, God took the baby. This was so hard for me because I really wanted more children. 

After my miscarriage, it was decided that I should have a complete hysterectomy. It would lower the chances of any cancer recurrence as well as prevent from any more pregnancies. After having a double mastectomy, having a complete hysterectomy was a very hard to think about. I felt like my body and my femininity were being destroyed. But I agreed to the surgery, and had it done in May of 2013.

Here is a journal entry I wrote during this time:

After all the medical issues I have gone through in the past 3 years I can’t help but think, “Why God?” Why does it just keep coming!? I have realized I need to take a step back and realize this is such a short time in the big picture.  And most importantly God will use each of these things to bring glory to himself.  Maybe he is causing me to go through cancer, pain, and a miscarriage so that I can relate to each of those things and be evidence that God will carry me through.  It may not always be the way I want it to be, but that is because I am not God.  

I so often want to play God not even realizing it.  I want to be the director of the show. But it doesn’t make sense for the actors in the show to tell the director how the show should be run.  Does it? I need to seek God’s will not mine.  I need to trust God’s will not mine.

I was looking forward to giving my testimony and singing some songs at our Community Bible Study retreat on Saturday, but I ended up in the ER.  The retreat was focused on rest. Resting in Christ alone to give us strength. I have gone through so much physically, emotionally and spiritually that I am ready to “rest.”  The place that I can get my ultimate and fulfilling rest is in Christ alone. Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.” 

As I was thinking about what music I could sing at the retreat, I thought of the hymn, “I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say."   

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

Psalm 103:1-5

As I reflect back on that time in my life, it makes me so thankful that I have my three beautiful children, and that I am currently cancer free and healthy. I love the last part of the verse I had written in my journal from Psalm 103, "who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

God may not always answer my prayers in the way that I think they should be answered. So often I start to think that I am the director of the show, but I am not. But God answers our prayers in a way that brings glory to Himself and is ultimately good for us. If I pray for His will to be done then whatever circumstances may bring he will give me peace and joy in the midst of those circumstances. He does not promise to calm the storm, but He does promise to carry me through it. He will satisfy me as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him.

Christ the Lord is Risen!

We had a wonderful day of celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and King on Sunday. It is always such a joy to be in corporate worship singing and praising the one true God. The God who has come to live on this earth, suffered, died on the cross for us, rose from the dead, ascended into heaven and is alive and working to bring us closer to him every day. I had the privilage of playing piano for worship yesterday and we sang the song "In Christ Alone" (you can hear a recording of our church singing it here). The third verse brought tears to my eyes,

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin?s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ"

I am reminded that I need to be just as excited about what Christ has done for us every day of the year. It can be a challenge to remember these truths when suffering is knocking on the door. But, remembering these truths and rejoicing in them is what will comfort me in my suffering. Praise the Lord, He is risen...risen indeed!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3).

After worship our family spent the day enjoying God's creation at the beach. I am so thankful for the wonderful and supportive family that God has blessed me with!

I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue to deal with various side effects from my treatments and as I prepare for my surgery on May 1st.

I'll Be Home

I was reminded of a very profound truth this past week that has given me a lot of encouragement and peace. It is from the book, "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis:

The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasantness, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home…God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

As I go through daily struggles in this life it gives me such joy and encouragement to be reminded by those trials that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. Throughout this journey of cancer I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I don't have enough energy to make it through the day I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven. When I feel like I am running an uphill race that is never going to end I am reminded that this world is not my home. My home is in heaven.

This is not to say that God does not have me here on earth for no reason. I am here to accomplish what he wants me to and he has given me purpose in every single thing that has happened in my life. I may not even know what those purposes are, but I do know: I am here to serve him, and enjoy him and I have a wonderful home waiting for me in heaven. As Paul says, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:20)."

When I was in high school I sang a song called “I’ll Be Home” in a musical that was written by a woman from my church, Janett Sugg. A few years later, I sang that same song with my sister at my dad's funeral. The words are so simple and so true. You can read them and hear the song below.


I’ll Be Home
Music and Lyrics by Janet Sugg
When I close my eyes I dream,
Of the place that waits for me.
There is happiness like I have never known,
It’s a place that I can finally call my own.
I’ll be home.

I will leave behind the tears,
Disappointments, sorrows, fears.
For the peace within my heart will overflow,
I will never be afraid or all alone.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
And the Lord will call my name,
Promise me I’ll live with him always.
And his smile will be like sunshine on my face.
I will find the love I’ve longed for in that place.
I’ll be home.

I’ll be home, home, home.
I’ll be home, home, I’ll be home.
I’ll be home.

Close your eyes and dream with me,
Hear the laughter, feel the peace.
Leave behind the cares that hold you in this life.
There is so much waiting for you, come with me.
Come with me.

We’ll be home, home, home.
We’ll be home, home, we’ll be home.
We’ll be home. We’ll be home. We’ll be home.

Stubbornness vs. Steadfast Love

Many times in the past month I have questioned why God has allowed such physical and emotional trials. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in October of 2010, I felt as if God had put this cancer in my life in order draw me closer to Him. He did that as He repeatedly opened my eyes to see and confess my sin, trust in His goodness, and be strengthened by His grace. Every time I “learned my lesson,” I thought the road would end there. But then another physical trial would come and the “trial-confession-trust-strength” cycle would repeat itself in a new set of circumstances.

But after this last surgery my faith was weak. The “trial” phase was painfully long and I was just plain tired of being "strengthened" by God in this way. At times, I was angry and stubbornly resisted any thought that God could strengthen me after such a physically exhausting and emotionally discouraging process.

But sure enough, though it took a little longer, God still pulled me back to him. I was once again reminded that He will not let me go, even when I am pushing Him away. My stubbornness is no match for His steadfast love.

Peace Like a River

It has been a long nine months and I am very tired in every way these days. Over the last week the radiation has really started to take its toll on my body, making my skin very painful and making me very exhausted. As much as I rest, I just can’t seem to gain more strength, which is very frustrating. I am trying to focus on the fact that I only have seven more treatments, but then I remember that the day after radiation finishes I will begin a five-year dose of Tamoxifen (which can have its own unique side-effects). And I have several other health issues that I am struggling with right now (probably in some way related to my cancer), including a persistent cough and sinus problems. I desperately want my body to be healthy and strong again!

I am praying that my husband and children do not have to take the brunt of these issues. For their sake and for mine, I am praying that I can keep having joy and peace in the midst of this long road. Ultimately, no matter what the trials are in this life right now I can have joy and peace because of what Christ has done for me (dying for me on the cross), what he is doing for me now (sustaining me), and what he will do for me (return to rule forever and renew my broken body). While those truths cannot change the circumstances of my life today, they certainly change my perspective on my circumstances as they help me remember the “big picture” of God’s love and care for me as his child. The hymn “It Is Well with My Soul” is one of my favorites because it does just this: it reminds us of the joy and peace we can have because of the “big picture” of Jesus’ care, cross, and return.

Here is a beautiful version of “It is Well with My Soul” sung by Chris Rice.

Still, Be Still My Soul

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!

They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves.
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn!
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. 

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!

Psalm 57

I have been meditating on Psalm 57 for the past week. The author of the psalm is crying out to God in the midst of sorrow and trials. God responds by pouring out his steadfast love and faithfulness. The psalm ends with singing and rejoicing. This is how my heart feels so often. I will cry out to God in my suffering…He hears me and responds with a gentle whisper: "Be still and know that I am God."

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; 

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
He burns the chariots with fire. 

“Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!”

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46:9-11

I enjoy listening to Keith and Kristyn Getty. As I have read these Psalms I was reminded of their song, "Still, My Soul Be Still."



Still my soul be still, and do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow.
God is at your side, no longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow.

God You are my God, and I will trust in You and not be shaken.
Lord of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in You alone.

Still my soul be still, do not be moved by lesser lights and fleeting shadows.
Hold onto His ways with shield of faith against temptations flaming arrows.

Still my soul be still, do not forsake the Truth you learned in the beginning.
Wait upon the Lord and hope will rise as stars appear when day is dimming.

He's Always Been Faithful

One of the songs that has been very encouraging to me in recent weeks is a beautiful song by Sara Groves entitled, "He's Always Been Faithful." You can read the lyrics and play the audio below.

"He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves

Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch Him amazed,

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways.

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain,

He did not recycle to bring me gain. 

I can't remember one single regret,

In serving God only and trusting His hand.

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song, 

The theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, He will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.

Like a River Glorious

Some truthful and encouraging words penned by Frances Havergal in 1876...

Like a river glorious, is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully all for us to do.
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind
is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

Lean on Me

People often ask me what kind of music I like. While some people have a favorite genre of music (or a despised genre of music), there is music in every genre that I really enjoy and music that I simply can't appreciate. Well, now that I think it, I don't think I've ever enjoyed Nortena music (the Mexican version of Polka - now playing at a suburban Tex-Mex restaurant near you). So if you looked on my iPod you would find a seemingly bizzare combination of music: from Beethoven, to Alice Cooper, to Michael Card, to the Gypsy Kings (and about two dozen U2 albums).

In fact, just this week I set one of my car radio's preset buttons to our local Gospel music station. As a Presbyterian pastor, some of the theology expressed in Gospel music makes me cringe. But I love the heartfelt and soulful qualities of Gospel music. So I thought I'd share a great song by the young Kirk Franklin called, "Lean on Me." It's been especially encouraging to me in the recent weeks as our family has had the opportunity to "lean on" our friends and family and, ultimately, our God. I hope you enjoy it (and be sure to watch for a certain sun-glass-wearing man from Dublin)!

A Wonderful Sunday

I had the privilege of seeing my husband Matt perform his first baptism - the baptism of our newborn son, Samuel. As Matt reminded the congregation, baptism is a symbol of belonging to God's covenant community (the Church) and of God's promise to cleanse the hearts of everyone who trusts in Christ alone for their salvation. The name Samuel belonged to my great-grandfather. It is a Hebrew name that means "God heard." While we did not know about my breast cancer when we chose that name for Samuel, it is fitting that over the coming months his name will be a continual reminder that God does hear our prayers. That is always a comforting truth, but it is especially comforting given all of the praying we (and many others) are doing for my health.

Speaking of my health, this will be an important decision-making week for us. I mentioned before that my doctors are recommending that I do my full chemotherapy treatment now and then have surgery to remove the tumor next Spring. Although my BRCA genetic testing came back negative (meaning I do not have a genetic predisposition to breast cancer - making the chances of it returning significantly lower), I will still need about 4-6 months of chemotherapy. So on Tuesday we will meet with Dr. Taylor, my oncologist, to determine what type of chemotherapy treatment I should receive. While I want to be aggressive in doing all I can to treat the cancer, I am also nervous about the various side effects of the chemotherapy. While some of those side effects cannot be avoided, I am praying I will have the strength to care for my children the whole time.

Whatever my chemotherapy brings, I know that every detail of the months ahead is in the hands of God my Savior. He was not surprised when I got breast cancer and He is in full control of every test and treatment of this trial.

This morning in church I sang a hymn during the Offertory called, "All the Way My Savior Leads Me." The text was written by the famous hymn writer Fanny Crosby in 1875. Crosby, who was blind, writes beautifully of the comfort of knowing God is our guide through every trial:

All the way my Savior leads me; what have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy, who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort, here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread;
Gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me, lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me, O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised, in my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal, wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—Jesus led me all the way.

In 2003, I wrote a tune to go with this hymn. And in 2009, I recorded it for a collection of hymn arrangements by several members of our former church in San Diego. You can listen to that recording below and, if you are interested, you can read about and download the entire hymns album for free here.

UPDATE: The two links above have been fixed. Thanks.