Let the Countdown Begin!

The past several months have been very hard in many ways, but I am so happy to see a light at the end of the tunnel - I only have three more radiation treatments to go! I will officially be done with all of my treatments (chemotherapy and radiation) at 9:30am on Wednesday, July 27th! Let the countdown begin! For the first time in nine months, I will not be making weekly (or daily) trips to the Lewis Cancer Center! I am still feeling pretty fatigued and my skin will continue to be sore for some time, but it should begin healing itself over the next several days.

Here is my radiation machine. The giant microscope-looking thing
is what is used to send the "radioactive energy" through my body. 

This is my "graduation certificate" from radiation...(it's my appointment card for my follow-up appointment,
but another cancer survivor told me she felt like it was more of a graduation certificate).

Another exciting part of finishing my treatment is that we are going to our annual family vacation in Florida the day after I finish radiation. When I mentioned that to my doctors they were not very pleased...I guess they frown upon beach vacations when you are not even allowed to be in the sun! I’m excited, though. I will have to use some special sunscreen and keep my upper body covered, but I am excited to play in the pool and at the beach with my precious children, my sister and brother-in-law, my nieces and nephew, my mother and her husband, and my grandparents! It will be a special time!

As excited as I am for radiation to be over, it does mean that we will be saying goodbye to our wonderful friend Bethany. She has been such a blessing to our family over the past few months. We will miss her dearly!

Bethany and Hudson at the "Savanah Zoo" (also known as Bass Pro Shop).

Peace Like a River

It has been a long nine months and I am very tired in every way these days. Over the last week the radiation has really started to take its toll on my body, making my skin very painful and making me very exhausted. As much as I rest, I just can’t seem to gain more strength, which is very frustrating. I am trying to focus on the fact that I only have seven more treatments, but then I remember that the day after radiation finishes I will begin a five-year dose of Tamoxifen (which can have its own unique side-effects). And I have several other health issues that I am struggling with right now (probably in some way related to my cancer), including a persistent cough and sinus problems. I desperately want my body to be healthy and strong again!

I am praying that my husband and children do not have to take the brunt of these issues. For their sake and for mine, I am praying that I can keep having joy and peace in the midst of this long road. Ultimately, no matter what the trials are in this life right now I can have joy and peace because of what Christ has done for me (dying for me on the cross), what he is doing for me now (sustaining me), and what he will do for me (return to rule forever and renew my broken body). While those truths cannot change the circumstances of my life today, they certainly change my perspective on my circumstances as they help me remember the “big picture” of God’s love and care for me as his child. The hymn “It Is Well with My Soul” is one of my favorites because it does just this: it reminds us of the joy and peace we can have because of the “big picture” of Jesus’ care, cross, and return.

Here is a beautiful version of “It is Well with My Soul” sung by Chris Rice.

Being Reminded of God's Word // July Update

I have not felt very “inspired” to write any entries for my blog lately. I have been very busy and have been feeling somewhat discouraged with my body. I know that is no excuse. It is good to make myself sit down and just listen to what God has to say to me through His word and take time to reflect on what he is teaching me through these trials, and I have not done that lately. 

I have been receiving encouraging letters from a dear friend over the past 5 months. She has been so dedicated to writing me every week and giving me encouraging thoughts and words from God’s word. When I opened my friend’s letter this week I was reminded of the importance of listening to what God is teaching me through these trials. She enclosed the words from 2 Corinthians 4:7-14. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.”

Whatever I am going through here on earth, I am not alone. God’s grace is holding me and renewing me day by day. I am praying that I would “not lose heart” because the life of Christ is being revealed. 

I am finishing up my final 10 treatments of radiation. Radiation itself has gone smoothly so far. The only side effects I have experienced have been fatigue and burned/irritated skin. Other than that I have been dealing with multiple sinus infections and a chronic cough that has yet to be diagnosed. I will be starting a new medication in two weeks that is kind of like an oral chemo (Tamoxifen). I will take it for 3-5 years in order to prevent my cancer from coming back. I am a little worried about this medicine because the two main side effects are blood clots/stroke, and uterine cancer. It is hard for me to justify doing these various cancer treatments when I don’t know if they will do more harm than good. But I just need to trust the fact that God has put my doctors over me and is using their knowledge and wisdom about these illnesses in order to help me.

I would appreciate prayers as I enter into this new phase of treatment. Pray that my body will stay strong and energized as I take care of my three precious children. Pray that my mind will stay positive, joyful, and focused on Christ as I move ahead. Also, please pray for an interesting opportunity I have to share my story this weekend. I have been selected to participate with several other breast cancer survivors in the American Cancer Society’s “Voices and Faces” campaign which will highlight breast cancer during the month of October. I have a photo shoot and interview at WSAV on Saturday, July 23rd. This is an exciting opportunity for me to share my story and what God has been teaching me during this journey. Please pray that God use me to glorify him through that interview.

Erin and Samuel.



We are missing out on U2's tour of the United States this Summer, so
Lydia decided to dress up as Bono and give us a performance instead!



Samuel's first haircut.



Samuel has learned to crawl, pull-up, cruise, and walk a little in the past few weeks.
He seems to get himself into all kinds of interesting situations with his new skills!



Lydia and Bethany on July Fourth.



Matt, Lydia, and Hudson waiting for the July Fourth fireworks to begin.

The Past Couple Weeks

It has been a while since I have posted any updates on the blog, so here are a few highlights of the past couple weeks: 

• On Sunday, June 19^th, I went into the ER because of a severe allergic reaction I was having to a medication I had just started. Apparently, I can now add a penicillin allergy to my list of weird allergies I have gotten since my being diagnosed with cancer last October.
• On Monday, June 20^th, I began a week-long adventure of teaching a class of fifteen 4 year-olds at our church’s VBS program.

• I have been having radiation treatments every weekday for the past three weeks and have been very thankful for how well it has been going. I have not had any side effects to the treatments other than a little fatigue. Praise the Lord! Fourteen treatments down and another twenty-one to go!
• On Sunday, June 26^th, I played the piano for the worship services at our church. It was a great joy to be able to help out and it went well - apart from messing up on my introduction to the Doxology!
• On Monday, June 27^th, Bethany, the kids, and I drove up to North Carolina with the Jr. and Sr. High students from our church. The students are attending a camp at Ridge Haven, a camp and conference center owned by the PCA. I was not originally planning on going to Ridge Haven, but a few days before my doctor agreed to let me skip a day or two of treatments so that I could go.  
• We a great time at Ridge Haven – we went hiking and swimming, enjoyed games and worship times with the students, and got to try out an amazing 100-foot long waterslide! We did get some bumps and bruises, though – I sprained my left ring finger while playing basketball (the doctor said if it swells up any more they are going to have to cut my wedding ring off) and Lydia took a tumble down some concrete stairs. I guess those things are always part of the true camp experience!

• Bethany, the kids, and I had to return home yesterday (Wednesday, June 29^th) so that I could resume my radiation treatments. Matt will return with the students on Friday.

In many ways my life is currently dominated by my cancer. My treatment effects my overall health (managing medications, side effects, allergies) and my daily life (going to appointments, avoiding too much exposure to the sun, returning early from trips). But while my cancer does dominate my life these days, it certainly does not define my life. I am so thankful that I have still be able to do so many things I enjoy (caring for my kids, playing piano in church, helping with church activities, going on trips). There are so many people who are incredibly limited by various health issues, and so I do not for granted the gift it is to be able to remain active in the things I love. God is good!

Medical Update: Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

When a mom of three young kids is going through cancer treatments, there is just no way to go more than a couple days without a doctor’s appointment. And sometimes, like yesterday, you can have multiple appointments – even five – in a single day. In the past week, I have found this out in a very real way. 

Last Friday, my surgeon recommended that I have a full body bone-scan done as well as Vitamin D testing. I had been having some severe pain in my left hip, and she wanted to rule out the very real possibility that the cancer had spread into my bones. She explained that estrogen-positive breast cancer (like I have) tends to like “weak” bones. This possibility made Matt and I very nervous, but praise the Lord, the test came back normal (though my Vitamin D levels were a bit low). She put me on Vitamin D and Calcium supplements to help strengthen my bones and possibly relieve some of my pain. 

On Monday, I had an appointment with a pulmonologist to investigate a persistent cough I have been battling for the past three months. After an x-ray and brief exam, he discovered the culprit: my SINUSES! If you know me well, then you know that I have suffered with sinus problems my whole life. I have what is called “non-allergic rhinitis” and “chronic sinusitis.” I have had four sinus surgeries since high school, including one that kind of messed my sinuses up even worse. Anyway, the pulmonologist said it looks like surgery might be the only thing to help me, but obviously now is not the best time to be having sinus surgery!  It was wonderful to have an objective diagnosis of what is going on, but it was also wonderful to connect with this particular doctor. When he walked into the waiting room he asked me if my husband was a pastor in Pooler. I responded, “Yes,” and he said, “I think you are the one we have been praying for lately.” He said that he attends a local PCA church and that they have been praying for me and my family for the past several months. WOW! I am continually amazed at the faithful prayers that are continually offered up on my behalf! What a blessing!

On Tuesday, I made a total of five visits to various doctors, but the one that stands out is taking Hudson to the pediatrician for a severe allergic reaction. You see, in the midst of our unusually busy family life, we decided we needed to take on a new challenge: we decided to adopt a sweet, one year-old cat that has been hanging out outside our house for the past two weeks. We took “Louie” (named in honor of his presence in our driveway when we returned from our trip to St. Louis) to the vet on Saturday to see if he was healthy and to get him the various vaccinations he needed if he was going to be around the kids. Of course, just three days after paying for the vaccinations and all the “cat stuff” we needed (litter box, food, collar, kennel, etc.) we discovered that Hudson was allergic to Louie. While I was at a physical therapy appointment for Samuel (for his head – he ended up being able to do PT instead of getting a helmet!), Bethany called me and said that Hudson was a little out of sorts. I came home to find Hudson’s eyes red, watery, and nearly swollen shut. He was also coughing, sneezing and whining a lot. I called the pediatric nurse and she said to bring him in. They gave him a little Benadryl and he was fine. But needless to say, we need to find a new home for Louie.

After I brought Hudson and Samuel home I went back into town for my radiation and for a physical therapy appointment for myself. Radiation is continuing to go well. Since My first radiation I have had arm pain that could be the start of lymphedema. My PT appointment was scheduled to get that issue checked out. I guess I have to keep a close eye on that as radiation can tend to make lymphedema worse. 

Thanks to Bethany I have been able to get all these appointments done. Matt and I are so thankful that she is here! Thanks to her, it has been a lot easier to use my non-medical time to have some summer fun with the kids. We have gone bowling, to library story time, to the pool, and to the mall. 

I came home from my PT appointment just in time to spend the evening with the youth group from our church. God has blessed us with sweet group of kids, and it’s always a blessing to hang out with them! As a pastor’s kid (and pastor’s wife), I just love finding ways to use my gifts to serve the Lord by serving others in ministry. Next week I will be teaching fifteen 4 year-olds at our church’s Vacation Bible School program, so I have been preparing for that as well (reviewing curriculum, making decorations, etc.). Of course, every time I talk to my sisters about teaching VBS in the mornings and doing radiation in the afternoons, they think I'm crazy. Well, I like to have a little crazy in me. And even though doing these ministry things while dealing with my treatments can be especially exhausting, I have found it to be such a blessing to get to know the children of our church and to be able to have fun with them while teaching them God’s Word.

I apologize if this blog post seems a bit “whiny,” but I really want my blog to be an accurate representation of what my life is like these days. I want to balance stories of personal encouragement and truth from God’s Word with an honest account of some of the hard and tedious aspects of this journey. In my own experience, I know I always benefit when I am able to read others’ honest reflections on their difficulties and take a certain comfort in identifying with their struggles. But of course it is equally beneficial to read more positive, hopeful reflections on persevering through life’s trials, and especially wonderful to see how the truths of God’s Word relate to those trials. I would appreciate your continued prayers.

  

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

Philippians 1:3-6

Hardships and Blessings

It has been quite a week for me – very physically and emotionally exhausting – and it is only Wednesday! I have had lots going on medically and Matt has been away at a conference in Virginia since Tuesday. I guess until now I haven’t realized just how much I have depended on him both physically and emotionally during this process.

On Monday and Tuesday I had my final two preparation appointments for my radiation treatments. The preparation process involves taking several scans of the area they will radiate, marking the area on my body, and calibrating the computerized devices which actually do the radiation. Since radiation can do damage to the heart and lungs, they want to be very careful to only radiate a specific area. For some reason, this process was harder for me than getting stuck with needles for chemotherapy. It has always been very painful for me to be flat on my back (I get headaches and backaches if I am flat on my back for too long), and that is the position I need to be in for the radiation (with my arms above my head as well – not too comfortable). As I lay on the table during the tests and today during my first treatment I kept asking myself, “How am I going to do this thirty-five times?!” Not only do I have to assume this painful position daily, but I have to work out a time to come each day during a busy summer schedule. I quickly realized that I am just going to have to take it one day at a time! 

God is really teaching me to have patience right now...especially with my body. In many ways, it seems like the past nine months has brought my body problem after problem. Sure, progress is being made in important ways – but new things keep coming up. It has been very frustrating and discouraging. But in the midst of each new problem, I need to trust and rest in the truth that God is in control and he is taking care of me day by day. As the song in the video below says, "What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

 

As I am typing this I am outside watching Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel play in the pool. Watching them play reminds me that I can have the hardest day in the world, but I still have so many incredible blessings that God has given me and I am so thankful for them. I am thankful for each of my precious children and for their good health. I am thankful for a loving, caring husband who loves me, but even more importantly loves Christ and His Church. I am thankful for wonderful friends who are there to listen to me. I am thankful for the wonderful friend and helper I have in Bethany, who has volunteered to be here with our family for the summer. And I am thankful for all of my doctors who are continually using their expertise to help me.

As I go through the remainder of this week I would appreciate your continued prayers for the radiation process, as well as for some tests I will be having later this week. Please pray that God will give me strength for each new day and help me to see his blessings in everything.

Salvation belongs to the Lord; 

your blessing be on your people!

Psalm 3:8

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: Fray Family Vacation '11

Hudson checking out the view from 30,000 feet...

Enjoying the plane ride to St. Louis...

This past week we took a family vacation to visit family and friends in St. Louis. I had about two weeks in between the end of my chemo treatments and the beginning of my radiation treatments (which start this week), so we had a pretty tight window of time to get away. Of course, family vacations with three kids four and under are not necessarily relaxing. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with the kids, and it can be quite a logistical challenge to spend long hours in cars and airplanes (we flew to St. Louis and drove my mom's old mini-van back home). But it was such a blessing to spend the time with Matt, Lydia, Hudson and Samuel.

We stayed at my mom’s house and spent a lot of time with my sister Katie, her husband Chris, and their kids Ella, J-Rod, and Lilly. The cousins had a wonderful time together. We had fun doing a lot of St. Louis things like going to the zoo, eating Imo’s Pizza, walking around Kirkwood and getting snow cones, going to Trinity Church (PCA), swimming, having a BBQ, having a playdate with some wonderful friends, and of course I cannot forget my annual dentist appointment!  

Hudson and a giant horse statue...

Hudson and Samuel in their matching outfits...

Lydia and Hudson petting a goat at the St. Louis Zoo...

Hudson's sidewalk chalk self-portrait...

The view of the arch on the way out of St. Louis...

On our drive home we stopped in Chattanooga and stayed at the Chattanooga Choo Choo, an old Southern Railroad train station that has been converted into a hotel and conference center. In addition to having several trains to explore and eat in, they have some that have been converted into fully-functional hotel rooms, so we stayed in one of those train car rooms for a night. This was especially fun for Hudson because he LOVES trains! We were also able to have dinner with my Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Niel Nielson who live on Lookout Mountain, so it was great to get a chance to talk and spend a little time with them as well. 

Inside the train car room...

Matt and Hudson looking at the model train car exhibit...

Hudson trying on a Chattanooga Choo-Choo conductor's hat...

Lydia and Hudson on the steps leading to our train car room...

The outside of our train car room...

Matt and I are both coming back to several very busy weeks, but our vacation refreshed us in many ways so we are ready to go. This week Matt will be headed to the PCA's General Assembly in Virginia Beach and I will finish my radiation planning today and begin the daily treatments on Tuesday or Wednesday. I would appreciate prayers as I begin that process. I would also appreciate prayers as I try to figure out problems that I have been having with my lungs. I will see a Pulmonologist this week for that. Then in the coming weeks I will be continuing my daily radiation treatments, we will be helping with our church's annual VBS program, and Matt will take a group of students to a camp at Ridge Haven at the end of the month. Thankfully, our friend Bethany will be here to help out while Matt is out of town and while I do my daily treatments!

Thank you so much for your continued prayers for me and our whole family. I will be sure to post an update in a few days to let you know about my first radiation treatments. 

The Advantages of Affliction

A few weeks ago Erin posted a wonderful poem by the pastor and hymn-writer John Newton, one of the most famous and beloved figures of the 18th Century Evangelical Revivals in England. I recently came across a letter Newton wrote to a member of his congregation in which he describes the “advantages of afflictions.”

Newton writes, “The advantages of afflictions, when the Lord is please to employ them for the good of his people, are many and great.”
1. Afflictions quicken us to prayer.
2. Afflictions are useful, and in a degree necessary, to keep alive in us a conviction of the vanity and unsatisfying nature of the present world, and all its enjoyments; to remind us that this is not our rest, and to call our thoughts upwards, where our true treasure is, and where our conversation ought to be.
3. Afflictions give us a more enlarged and experiential acquaintance with his holy word.
4. Afflictions give us occasion to know and notice more of the Lord’s wisdom, power, and goodness, in supporting and relieving, than we should otherwise have known.
5. Afflictions evidence to ourselves and manifest to others the reality of grace.
6. Afflictions advance our conformity to Jesus our Lord, who was a man of sorrows for our sake.
7. Afflictions increase our desire for heaven.

It certainly has been our experience that afflictions have many advantages, and by God’s grace, many of the things Newton names on this list have been fruits of the affliction in our lives in recent months.

Medical Update: Done with Chemo!

I am officially done with chemo! I had my final treatment last Wednesday (5/18). The days that followed were kind of hard because I was so excited to be done with chemo that I had forgotten that I was still going to feel sick one more time. Oh well. I am thankful that I have about two weeks “off” before my daily radiation treatments begin, so we are going to travel to St. Louis this weekend and will stay about a week. I am so excited to see my family and friends there! Matt, Lydia, and Hudson haven’t been up to St. Louis for almost a year and a half, so it will be great for them to go back and for us all to be together as a family up there.

Shortly after we return from St. Louis I will begin my radiation treatments. I will have the treatments every weekday for seven weeks (so Lord willing, I will be done with that by the end of July). While this will be a big time commitment (it will probably take about 2 hours out of my day for those seven weeks), I am not expecting too many physical side effects from radiation. Once radiation is over I will have a two-three month break before I have the reconstruction part of my surgery in the Fall. Then I will begin taking a post-chemotherapy medication that I will take for about five years.

I am thankful that this journey is progressing and that God has held me in his hand the whole time. He alone has given me strength for every new day.

“Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things, O God, who is like you? You who have made me see many calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.”

Psalm 71:19-21

A Special Summer Blessing!

God has given us a huge gift for the summer! Our friend Bethany Haines has volunteered to come to Savannah to help me out with the kids as I finish up my chemotherapy and go through radiation. We know Bethany from St. Louis where her father, John Haines, worked with my dad for many years at Twin Oaks Presbyterian Church (in fact, he also hired Matt as an intern for a few months before Matt went to seminary). Like me, Bethany is studying Elementary Education at Covenant College has two sisters (in fact, I was her youngest sister’s Fourth Grade Teacher). Their family, now living in Charlotte, has always been such a special part of our lives and a wonderful blessing to us.

Bethany contacted me about two months ago and said that God had laid it on her heart to help our family in some way. With her summer break corresponding with my upcoming radiation treatments, she suggested coming to help with the kids. I excitedly responded saying, “When can you be here?!” J After talking it over, we arranged for Bethany to come for one week this month, and then return for most of June and July. Since our house is a little small and very busy with the kids, it doesn’t exactly lend itself well to house guests. But as always, God had a plan for every detail. We contacted some family friends of ours who also know Bethany and live just 10 minutes away from us, and asked if they might be able to host Bethany for the summer. Sure enough, they said that they had been praying for a way that they could help us. What a blessing it is that God provides for our every need!

Thank you, Bethany, for your selflessness in being here to help care for and love our children! We love you!

“And my God will supply every need of yours

according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19

For Erin: Happy Mother's Day!

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:25-30

Dear Erin,

Today is the fourth year our family will celebrate you on Mother's Day. As cliche as it may sound, you have deserved to be thanked and praised each year more than the last! And this year is certainly no exception. This is your first Mother's Day since being diagnosed with breast cancer and I have never been more eager to thank you and praise you for who you are as a mother than I am today!

Because of your chemotherapy treatment a few days ago, you went to bed exhausted last night and will probably wake up feeling even more exhausted this morning. But here's where Proverbs 31:25 will kick in: you will get out of bed with strength, dignity, and even a laugh. Why? Because you are looking forward to temper tantrums, dirty diapers, and a husband who doesn't hear you half the time? No. You will get up with strength, dignity, and a laugh because you love your family more than you love yourself. In my selfish materialism, I could easily give you a list of ten things I'd love to get for Father's Day. But when I asked you what you wanted for Mother's Day, you said, "Some new backyard toys for the kids!" But that's just you. You would never put your own needs or desires ahead of your family's - even when your body is fighting the effects of chemotherapy.

And idleness (Proverbs 25:27)? Forget about it. Not once - even in the past six months - have I ever heard you say, "I just need some time for myself." Not once - even in the past six months - have I ever heard you say, "I deserve a break." Sure, your cancer has slowed you down. You haven't been able to do all that you normally would. There have been days when you have had no choice but to be idle. And why were those days so hard for you? Because you felt sick? No. Because you couldn't enjoy a good meal? No. Those days of "mandatory idleness" were so hard for you because you couldn't care for your children. Your love for them and desire to care for them is so great that not even cancer could shift your mind from thinking about them to thinking about yourself.

There are countless reasons your children could "rise up and call you blessed" and I could praise you (Proverbs 31:28). I could make a long list of the ways you have surpassed all of the other excellent women of this world (Proverbs 31:29), but as you know, I am a skilled rambler and people would probably stop reading my list eventually. So I'll cut to the chase. The number one reason you should be praised is not your charm (though I find you quite charming) or your beauty (though I find you incredibly beautiful - I've always loved the bald look!), but the fact that you fear the LORD (Proverbs 31:30). Ultimately, I believe it is not your love for me or our children that makes you such a wonderfully selfless and steadfast mother, but your love for God. It is your desire to honor Him above all others, your desire to bring Him glory and not yourself, and your desire to reflect His love that you love us so very well.

So today, on this Mother's Day, know that your husband and your children want to shout your praises loud and clear - not just to you, but to everyone! We want your name to be known, honored, and praised at the city gates because of you are a woman marked by strength, dignity, laughter, industry, and love for the LORD. You have been that kind of woman all the years I have known you, and you have continued to be that kind of woman in these past six months - even on the hardest days. We love you and - with tears of joy - we thank God for you.

Happy Mother's Day, Erin!

Love,
Matt, Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel

I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow

Several years ago, Matt and I came across a poem by John Newton called, “I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow." You can read it below. We were both struck by the beauty and truth of Newton’s words, so we framed the poem and hung it on our bedroom wall. A couple years later Indelible Grace wrote a hymn tune to the poem (see video below). I have been thinking a lot about Newton's poem lately. It has really help put my thinking about prayer and suffering into a better, more biblical perspective.

I have grown up in a Christian home all my life, but it was not until high school that I really started to grasp true Christianity and made my faith an internal relationship with Christ rather than an external religion only. In college I began praying specifically that God would use me for His glory in whatever way He saw fit and that I would grow and understand His salvation more deeply. And God answered that prayer, as Newton’s poem suggests, largely through many trials that I had and continue to have in my life: dealing with the death of my father, living far from home, and now battling against cancer. I can say with confidence that God is answering my prayer. Life is not about our circumstances, but is about our relationship to God and our awareness of what He has done for us in Christ and is continuing to do for us each day. God is answering my prayer by teaching me that life is not about being in a “happy” place in life, but is about glorifying Him.

Now, I need to pray that God will continually remind me of these truths so that I might find “joy” in Him every day!

I Asked the Lord That I Might Growby John Newton (1779)

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5

Medical Update

As I mentioned in my previous post, I came down with a sinus infection and an upper respiratory infection while I was in St. Louis last weekend. Since my immunities aren't what they should be these days (due to chemo), I haven't made too much progress yet in terms of getting better. Thankfully, my chemo treatments themselves have not been too bad - they definitely slow me down for a day or two, but it's usually manageable.

Despite not feeling up to par (Matt tells me the saying should technically be "down to par" in terms of golf scoring), today was such a gorgeous Saturday that I was determined to spend the afternoon at the beach with Matt and the kids. We had a great time. I especially enjoyed introducing Samuel to the ocean; it was his first time to the beach and he loved it! It was nice to have a relaxing day together as a family before another busy week. 

 

On Tuesday, I will be going to Charleston for a brief outpatient surgery to get my two expansion ports removed. Ports are basically small plastic discs (about the size of a nickel) that are placed just under the skin; they allow for medicine to be injected into the blood stream without having to put an IV into a vein. These ports were actually used to inject saline into the tissue expanders in my chest. They are so uncomfortable because they are constantly being pushed against my ribs. So I am really looking forward to having them removed. On Thursday, I will have my eighth of twelve chemo treatments. I would greatly appreciate prayer for both of those things.

Even though I am eager to be done with chemo, I am so thankful that my current chemo drugs have not been as hard to deal with as the ones I had to take last Winter. With these drugs, I usually have moderate fatigue and nausea a day or two, but then feel well enough to do all my normal daily tasks. Also, though it presents certain physical and logistical challenges, I have been realizing what a blessing it is to have kids during this illness. To a certain degree, my children keep my mind from fixating on my health issues because I am forced to care for and focus on them. If it weren't for them, I would probably be sitting home all day wondering why I am sick, if the cancer will spread or return, etc. Of course, it is ultimately God and His promises that have sustained me through this process and will continue to give me hope for the future. I am praying that God will continue to mold my heart and mind to His likeness and give me a heart to serve Him.

Thank you for your prayers!

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34

Lydia and Hudson obeying Jesus' words in Matthew 6:25, "Look at the birds of the air..." :)