Easter Weekend in St. Louis

I had the joy of going to St. Louis this past weekend to celebrate Easter with my mom and her husband Ned, my sister Katie and her husband Chris, my nieces Ella and Lilly, my nephew J-Rod, and my grandparents. I wasn’t able to go home this past Christmas because of the difficulty of my previous chemotherapy treatments, so it had been almost a year and a half since I had been home. It was such a joy to be back in St. Louis, to be with my family, and to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I brought Samuel with me on my trip and we had a pretty eventful time travelling to and from St. Louis. We left early Friday morning and our first flight – from Savannah to Atlanta – went very smoothly. Once we were in Atlanta we had to take the train to a different terminal to connect to our second flight. Just as I arrived at the gate, they made an announcement that our flight was going to leave from a different gate in a different terminal. I told myself, “This is fine – I will just get a little more exercise.” So I returned to the train and made the long walk to the new gate. Just as I got there I saw people on my flight walking the other way. I found out they had switched gates a second time, which meant walking once more to the other side of the terminal. By that point I wasn’t thinking of this as excercise…I was exhausted. Thankfully, the rest of the flight to St. Louis went well.

I was excited to attend the Good Friday service at Trinity Church where my brother-in-law is the pastor. It was a wonderful, worshipful service. As we all walked outside in silence (in remembrance of Christ’s death) there was an eeriness in the air. The sky above looked very ominous. We got in the car to drive home and as we were driving the weather got worse and worse. We turned on the radio and heard there were tornado warnings all around us. I kept looking out my car window thinking that in a flash of lightning I would see a big twister heading my way. We spent the next thirty minutes driving and praying a tornado would not pick up our car and that we would make it home. Just as we got home the tornado siren sounded by our house. We went into the basement and waited it out. Thankfully, the big tornados hit further north of us. There was a lot of devastation in St. Louis Friday night and I am praying for all those families who lost their houses. The airport (where I arrived earlier that day) was hit directly, causing damage to planes, taking off part of the terminal roof, and shattering a lot of windows.

My grandparents were supposed to fly in the next day but the whole airport was closed. They were able to fly into an airport a few hours away later that evening. It took a total of 18 hours to make it from their house to my mom’s house, but they finally arrived safely.

On Saturday morning I woke up feeling ill with a very bad chest cough and sinus infection. I didn’t think I would get sick because my blood levels looked so good at my appointment last week, but I guess germs have a way of getting in no matter what! I guess it did not help that Samuel was also sick and had been up a lot during the night. But my sister Katie was so gracious and offered to keep Samuel for the afternoon so I could rest. What a blessing! I spent the whole rainy afternoon sitting by the fire reading and sleeping. 

On Saturday night I had a lot of fun playing with Ella (9), J-rod (7) and Lily (3). They have grown up so much! I made bracelets and played checkers with Ella, played castles and swords with J-Rod, and was just entertained by Lily. 

We had a wonderful Easter Sunday. Once again we went to Trinity Church and enjoyed a wonderful and worshipful service. Then we spent the afternoon and evening together as a family. 

My flight was scheduled to leave Monday afternoon. I was kind of hoping that the airport would still be closed so that I wouldn’t have to do chemo on Tuesday, but it had reopened on Sunday. We were planning on shopping before I left. Since the suitcase I brought was full to the brim, I figured I might need to borrow an extra suitcase if I was going to get things while shopping. My mom found an extra suitcase in the basement and gave it to me to use. To my disgust and surprise I opened it up to find a dead mouse inside! Now, this might be more surprising to me if it hadn’t been for the dead bird that my sister found in her closet a few years ago!

My flight to Atlanta went well. I had to hold Samuel the whole time (which hurt my chest  and arms because of my surgery), but he was fairly good. He was very entertaining to those around me. When I got to Atlanta I found out that my flight was going to be delayed by an hour. This was not too surprising since flights can get rather backed up later in the day. But for those of you who know me…you know I HATE flying, so the next few hours were a real test for me! When we finally got on the plane at about 8pm they realized that one of the doors was broken. At this point, Samuel was screaming because he was so tired. They told us we would have to go back to the terminal, but stay on the plane while the maintenance crew fixed it. About an hour later (about 9pm) they said that it was good enough to fly. I was hoping the door wouldn’t fall off in the air! Of course, Samuel was still crying at this point. He likes to be moving all the time so he was not happy and was not giving in to sleep. Just as they cleared us for take off, the airport grounded all of the flights because of a huge lightning storm. Finally, after forty-five minutes or so they cleared us for take off. We waited in a long line of planes for another thirty minutes or so and finally took off at about 10:20pm. By this time, Samuel was asleep and staying asleep for our short flight to Savannah. 

I missed Matt, Lydia, and Hudson so much this weekend. I was so grateful to Matt for watching Lydia and Hudson and allowing me this opportunity to go and spend the weekend with my family. Even though the travel was hard and I was not feeling very well, it was a nice break from all of my treatments and appointments. Of course, I came home to two doctors appointments today – one of which was for chemotherapy (my seventh of twelve treatments).

Thank you to everyone who is continuing to pray for me and for my health. God is so good. He seems to take us on so many ups and downs, but he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. Thank you, Jesus, for all your many blessings!

 Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.

I will not leave you or forsake you.

 Joshua 1:5

Praying for Wisdom

It is always a blessing to talk with other moms. This morning I  went to our bi-weekly MOPS meeting that meets at our church. I enjoy being able to have conversations with other moms without 3 little children hanging off of every part of me! I also had a chance to talk to more moms while I was at a Bible Study tonight. Between being a mom and having cancer, one thing that has been on my mind quite a bit lately has been the need for wisdom. Wisdom in being a parent is definitely one of the most consistent things that I pray for. I pray for wisdom in dealing with practical day-to-day tasks and transitions, and also wisdom in dealing with the large-scale emotional and spiritual needs of my children. 

Practically speaking, I have been trying to figure out my middle child, Hudson. I have found that there is a lot of intensity, drama, and transition that comes with a two year old boy. For example, Hudson keeps telling me he wants to go potty on the big boy potty. You would think this would be music to any mom’s ears, right? But I keep telling him, “We will a little later,“ or “Maybe tomorrow.“ Every once in a while I will muster up enough energy to take his diaper off let him sit…and sit some more…and 10 minutes later take him off with a battle because he never went, then put his diaper back on. Honestly, I have been telling myself that I will tackle that when I am “all better”. But here’s the wisdom issue: No one really knows when I will be better except for God. So even with a simple practical thing like potty training I need to remind myself to go to God in prayer and ask him to give me wisdom, energy, and consistency I need to do this task.  

We have also been dealing with getting Hudson to sleep in a “big boy bed.” We put him in his big boy bed around Christmas and he did great for a couple months. Every once in a while he would get out and we would have to deal with him. But then he began getting out of bed consistently - both before going to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the night. It was leading to him not getting enough sleep at night and beginning to really effect his attitude. Especially since I was sleeping in the recliner in the living room and could not deal with him in the middle of the night, we figured the best thing to do was to temporarily put him back in the crib. So he slept very well in his crib for several weeks. Then one night, while I was sleeping on the recliner, I heard some strange noises coming from behind me. I got very scared thinking an intruder was in the house. I slowly looked behind me and there was Hudson…sitting on top of his train table just staring at me. (I have to admit, it was almost as scary as someone breaking in!) I put him back in his crib and he went right back to sleep. But the next morning when Matt went in to his room to get him up there was Hudson…sitting on top of his changing table! I am thankful that he seems to be able to get in and out of his crib with much grace, but of course I would be even more thankful if he didn’t get out at all. Again, here’s the wisdom issue: when do we transition him back to his big boy bed? After praying about this and really taking a look at my son’s personality and what works with HIM, I realized we needed to try a little positive reinforcement. So as of yesterday we now have a Thomas the Train sticker chart; he will get a sticker to put on the chart every morning that he stays in bed all night. It has only been one night, but it has worked! I hope this keeps working because Samuel needs to transition to the crib in Hudson’s room. Right now Samuel is rapidly growing out of the pack and play he is sleeping in…in our closet! J

Then there are the wisdom issues in dealing with the emotional spiritual needs of my children. I have begun to notice a pattern with my oldest daughter, Lydia. When Matt and I are getting ready to go to one of my doctor’s appointments her attitude seems to change. I always take time to talk with her about my sickness and try to help her to understand what is happening with me. She tries to be very brave, but some times she crumbles into sadness and tears. One day someone mentioned to me that she seemed upset. So I asked her why she was upset and she told me a story about seeing a bee. I thought maybe that could be the issue, but maybe there is more. Again, the wisdom issue: Do I keeping on digging because I am suspicious there is more to her sadness or do I let her tell me in her own time if there is really something else that is bothering her? I decided to keep digging. I asked her if she was upset that I went to the doctor. She responded saying,  “Yes! Your medicine is NOT making you better!” This opened a door for us to explain how my medicine is working. Even more importantly, it gave us a chance to tell her that God is taking care of me and he will always take care of her. 

It is hard to see my children having to deal with the effects of my cancer, weather it is in practical ways or emotional ways. But it is a good reminder to me that I am not in complete control of their lives. I can’t have my hand in every detail of their lives - even when I am healthy. I have to trust that ultimately God will take care of them. In the meantime, it is my responsibility to pray diligently for each of them and to pray that God will give me the wisdom I need as a mom to take care of them and love them as He would.

“My son, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste. Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.”
Proverbs 24:13-14

A Day in the Life

Even with everything that goes along with cancer, I have realized that not too much is different in my daily life as a young mother. Yes, the weeks seem busier when I have a lot of doctors appointments. And the days seem longer when I am not feeling well. And ordinary tasks like getting dressed are a bit more complicated when I have post-surgery fluid drains attached to me (on the other hand I do not have to deal with too much hair maintenance!). But none of these things keep me from being a mother or from enjoying day-to-day life with three little ones.

The mornings usually begin nice and early thanks to my four month old alarm clock, Samuel. While I am giving him his bottle I usually welcome two more little munchkins into my bed. I love to start the day with a good cuddle. But the serenity of those early-morning cuddles is very short-lived before the squabbling begins. “That’s my blankie!” “No MY milk!” “Can we watch cartoons?”

Tuesday and Thursday mornings tend to be nice because I have the chance to be alone with the boys when Lydia goes to her preschool. That is usually my opportunity to get some housework done.  It is surprisingly MUCH less crazy around the house when our rambunctious little Lydia is absent. I love it when she comes home though. She is full of stories and loves to show me all she has made from that morning. But this also tends to be a quite hectic time. All of a sudden I go from a somewhat quiet house to the crazy lunchtime rush. My sisters always laugh when I tell them that one of my kids favorite lunchtime meals is scrambled eggs with green beans…now that is normal, isn’t it!?

I am more than willing to extend all of my energy during these morning hours and get everything done that I need to because my reward is yet to come…NAP TIME! This is my quiet time. Without this hour or two of “self-time” I would not be able to make it through the day (and the coffee helps too). I rarely every sleep during this time…my rest time usually consists of reading, blogging, or …the DVR! J

Finally comes the time when daddy comes home. I have not yet figured out why this seems to be the most chaotic and loudest part of the day…maybe because the kids are so excited about seeing daddy, maybe because it is close to dinner time and they are hungry, or maybe there is just an alarm that goes off all over the world that tells all children that it is time to go CRAZY!!!

Dinner is always interesting, starting with our prayer time before the meal. Daddy starts to pray and since daddy prays Lydia has to pray, then if Lydia prays Hudson has to pray, then of course since everyone else prayed mommy has to pray too. By then the food is cold, but it has been prayed for four times, so it works out. At the ages that my kids are right now we don’t have much more of a conversation than, “Make sure to eat your peas,” or “Take two more bites of chicken,”  or “Don‘t rub the salad dressing in your hair,” or “If you finish your spaghetti you can have some ice cream!”

Depending on the night (or the amount of salad dressing in the hair), the kids have baths after dinner. The kids love bath time - and I love clean kids! But my favorite family time activity that we have, specifically in the winter, is fire time. Lydia and Hudson like us to build a fire in the fireplace, turn off every single light in the whole house, and have a dance party. This is actually very good exercise and it is really fun to hear the laughter and see the smiles of dancing toddlers. Then we settle the kids down to read some Bible stories and pray together.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem like the kids are listening or learning during this time, but more often than not we are surprised with how much they understand. It’s also interesting to see what Bible stories they enjoy most - Lydia’s current favorites are the Exodus from Egypt, David and Goliath, and Jesus’ Death and Resurrection.

The last part of the evening is such a sweet time. I am usually eager to move on to my time with Matt, but it is so rewarding to take the time to talk to, sing with, and pray for each of the kids. I pray that that time will both strengthen their bonds with me and soften their hearts towards Christ. Of course, merely putting the kids to bed doesn’t necessarily mean they go to sleep. For instance, Matt went into Hudson’s room to check on him about twenty minutes after putting him to bed. When Matt walked into the room he noticed Hudson’s pants and blankie on the floor, but no Hudson. He looked in the bed, but no Hudson. He looked in the closet, but no Hudson. He looked in the kids’ bathroom, but no Hudson. He looked in Lydia’s room, but no Hudson. He looked in the living room, but no Hudson. Finally, Matt noticed that our bedroom door was half-way open. Matt went into the bedroom and found the pants-less Hudson sitting on the floor in our bathroom - with all the lights off - putting band-aids all over himself. Matt scolded Hudson for getting out of bed and for getting into the band-aids and put him back to bed. And wouldn’t you know it, just five minutes later a pants-less Hudson re-emerged from his bedroom attempting to sneak back to our bathroom for more band-aids!

Each day certainly brings its own craziness and business! But if I have learned one thing from this experience it is that I want to appreciate the little things in life and enjoy my family. And most importantly, I want to model Christ’s love for them day in and day out.

 

Lydia (turning 4 in 2 weeks), Hudson (2 and 1/2), and Samuel (our enormous 4-month old)

The Entertaining Side of Recovery

Erin came home from the hospital on Monday evening and has been recovering well from her surgery. The surgery was a success – they removed all of the cancer from her breast and the follow-up pathology report confirmed that the cancer had only spread to one lymph node (which has also been removed). We are thankful to God for the good surgeons and nurses who cared for Erin and helped her through those first days after her surgery. Since we live about 100 miles from the hospital where her surgery was performed, we were a little nervous about the possibility of her having questions or complications after coming home. But so far she has not had any unexpected complications – at least not any medical complications. In terms of her day-to-day functioning, though, Erin has had her share of personal complications.

Of course, this is not her fault. She is dealing with a lot of pain from the surgery, so she is taking a very powerful pain-killer and muscle relaxant - both of which make her tired, confused, and….well…entertaining. Erin’s older sister, Katie (who has a blog of her own), was kind enough to document one particularly entertaining account from a couple days ago. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Matt

______________________________________________________________________________

On a typical day, my sisters and I will talk on the phone at least twice. Sometimes it’s for absolutely no reason other than the, “I’m bored and it’s 4:00 p.m. and nap time is over and it’s cold outside and I don’t feel like cooking dinner and my husband isn’t home from work yet and I don’t know what in the world else to do.” Sometimes our conversations simply revolve around what we did the night before and what we have planned for the rest of the day. For some of us, those conversations are more interesting than for others. And then at other times, we simply call each other to laugh. Often it will be over something one of our kids said. How could I not share, for example, the fact that my son thought that my heartburn was caused by the fact that I was just loving Jesus too much! I’m glad we can laugh at our kids and, at times, at life’s circumstances, but I’m also thankful that my family has the ability to laugh at themselves. As my sister Erin has been known to say, “You just can’t take life too seriously.”

While I’ve had plenty of moments that deserve, and often receive, a good laugh (while teaching a Bible study this week, for instance, I referred to the weapons my husband saw on a trip to Yemen as ‘Machete Guns’), I am going to focus, at her request, on a conversation that I had with my “don’t take life too seriously” sister on Wednesday afternoon. When I called, I was concerned. By the time I hung up, I was laughing.

Erin has been in a great deal of pain since returning home from her surgery, thus the need for a consistent dose of pain medications. And, as you can imagine, she is not taking the everyday IB-Profin. And, as you can also imagine, the pain killers do something to her capacity to…well… think straight. And, as you can further imagine, if you catch her at just the right time, the conversation can take all sorts of interesting twists and turns. On Wednesday I caught her at just the right time. I called to see if she was still in much pain. When she answered the phone, I got a very slurred “Hello” (imagine the word minus the “ll’s”). I had the answer to my pain question immediately.

Me: “Erin, how are you?”

Erin: “Not really good. I feel great” (slurred….again).

I have to admit the “I feel great” part already began to take a toll. I was totally smiling, but trying, at this point, not to laugh. Then, silence.

Me: “Um, hello?”

I wondered if I should just hang up.

Erin: “Hello?”

Me: “Are you there? Do you want me to call back later?”

Erin: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, Erin, can you hear me?”

Erin: “No, no, no. I’m just resting.”

Me: “Oh, are you in bed? I can totally call back.”

Erin: “No, I’m outside.”

Me: “You’re resting outside?”

Erin: “No! I’m outside playing with the kids.”

Me: “You’re playing with the kids outside?”

Erin: “No, I’m resting.”

Now I was laughing.

Me: “Erin, so, do you know when will you go back to the doctors?”

At this point, Erin interjected some results that I was more than happy to hear. It came out slowly, but sensibly:

Erin: “Hey, oh, the pathology on the other lymph nodes all came back negative.”

Praise God!

Me: “Erin, that’s great.”

And then it occurred to me that maybe she was feeling a bit more “with it.” But then, well, then she kept talking.

Erin: “Yeah, but I don’t know what that has anything to do with anything.”

What?! So, I tried to explain why those results were good news. After my twenty seconds of Dr. Katie, she completely interrupted me:

Erin: “Can you believe I have three kids?”

Me: “Um….”

I had nothing. But, I didn’t need to. My drug induced sister kept talking:

Erin: “Wait, you have three children.”

Now, I was just full out laughing. And in a creepy way, I was kind of okay staying on the phone for a few more minutes.

Me: “Yep, I have three kids too.”

Erin then informed me that she was going to sleep on the couch that night for her first night home. It’s important to understand the timeline of events in order to understand the conclusion to this conversation: Erin had surgery on Friday, they came home on Monday, her mother-in-law came to help on Tuesday, and this conversation was happening on a Wednesday. The older sister in me felt the need to set things straight. I have no idea why I thought I could do that at this point in the conversation.

Me: “Erin, this won’t be your first night home. You guys came home on Monday; do you mean you slept on the couch on Monday night?”

If God had granted me a gentle, nurturing personality, I probably would have simply wrapped up the conversation and told her to get some rest. However, I cannot claim those as primary qualities. My first instinct was to prove to Erin that I was right. And perhaps I could have resisted this urge if it were not for my sister who made the foolishly bold statement:

Erin: “You are wrong!”

I started arguing with illogic itself.

Me: “I am not wrong. You guys came home on Monday from the hospital, so tonight will be your third night at home – remember? You came home Monday night in time for the kids to go to bed, and then on Tuesday you picked up ….”

In the middle of my sentence, I heard loud breathing followed by an exasperated claim:

Erin: “We just got home yesterday, I’m telling you!”

Me: “Wait, you’re claiming tonight will be your first night. Now you’re saying you got home yesterday?”

I wondered what would happen if I kept trying to throw logic her way. There was complete silence. And then I started feeling bad. Maybe my poor, foggy sister was trying to sort out my words. I allowed her to do so for a minute, just to ensure that she understood I was right.

Erin: “You’re wrong.”

Good grief.

Erin: “I totally feel good. I mean I could start treatment but they tell me the body has to heal or something dumb like that. I’m healed. I think you’re healed.”

Me: “Yep, I’m healed Erin. And I will talk to you later. Okay?”

I just needed to get off the phone so I could call Bekah so that we could laugh. This time it wouldn’t be about the kids, though.

Erin: “Are you laughing?”

Me: “Yep. This whole conversation has been pretty hilarious and you probably won’t remember any of it.”

Erin: “Oh, I keep telling Matt to post funny things I say. Am I saying funny things?”

Me: “Yep. Okay, then, I’ll call you later?”

Erin: “Okay. You’ll call me because I’m funny?”

Me: “Yep. Okay then. I’ll call you later.”

I wasn’t quite sure how to make the conversation end. So I just hung up. A part of me wondered how long she kept talking. There is no doubt that I’ll be calling my sister again soon. And maybe not for typical, everyday reasons.

Medical Update: Surgery Preparation

As I mentioned in my previous post, my oncologist decided to suspend my chemotherapy treatments last week in order to see if my tumor has shrunk enough to go ahead and proceed with surgery. Yesterday (1/31) I had an MRI to check the status of the tumor. You might remember that a few months ago we discovered that I am allergic to the contrast dye used in MRI scans. So this time they gave me a three-day treatment of Benadryl and Prednisone to prevent me from having an allergic reaction. Thankfully, it worked great – I had no reaction at all! And better still, the MRI scan revealed good news: my tumor has shrunk by more than 50%! While we it would have been wonderful to have the tumor go away completely, the doctors were satisfied with my progress and have scheduled my surgery to be on Friday, February 11th. 

So today (2/1) we made the 90 mile drive to the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) in Charleston to get everything arranged for the surgery. We started by meeting with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Patrick O’Niell. He filled us in on a few details for the reconstruction portion of my surgery and then sent me off to get a CT scan of my abdomen and to take care other pre-operative details. The CT scan uses different contrast dye than the MRI, so we did not think I would get an allergic reaction. But with all of the reactions I have been getting lately, I should have known better. I had an allergic reaction to the CT dye as well…my throat became swollen and it was a little hard to breath. The doctors were able to complete the scan and then gave me Benadryl and a few other drugs to counteract the reaction. They said the reaction would probably have been more severe if I had not had so much Benadryl in my system from the MRI scan the day before. 

After an hour or two of observing me to make sure I recovered from the allergic reaction, the doctors sent me on to the pre-operative department to fill out paperwork for the surgery and meet with an anesthesiologist. Before this “orientation” I knew how the DIEP Breast Reconstruction surgery worked in a technical sense, but this gave me more practical knowledge of what to expect, how to prepare, etc. In a lot of ways, I began realizing just what a big surgery this will be. The surgery itself will last about seven hours and I will spend about four days in the hospital afterwards. Of course, the hardest part of it all will be being away from Lydia, Hudson, and Samuel for those days! But I know they will be in good hands. 

Tomorrow (2/2) will bring the final step of the surgery preparation process. We will go up to Bluffton, South Carolina to meet with my breast surgeon, Dr. Virginia Herrmann. She will give us a few more details about what has happened with my tumor and about her plans for her portion of the surgery. Dr. Herrmann is not only a very well-trained and experienced breast oncologist and surgeon, but she is a very caring and encouraging doctor (as you can see in the video below). And as an added perk, Dr. Herrmann has spent many years in the great city of St. Louis! 

Thank you for all of your prayers for my MRI and for wisdom for my doctors. We are so thankful that God has brought me to this point and are looking forward to moving on with this next step in the process of treating my breast cancer. As the day of surgery draws near, please pray that Matt and I will have peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:6) and wisdom to prepare for every detail of the coming weeks. Also, pray that I will be able to enjoy some good quality time with my children in the coming week since I will be away from home for the days following surgery and will be unable to care for them as usual in the weeks following the surgery. And, of course, you can pray that this surgery would be successful in removing every trace of cancer from my body. And…why not…I’ll go ahead and ask for prayer for my hair to grow back quickly! Thanks!

Alright…this was a super-long post. If you made it this far you deserve a little reward (besides the picture of my bald head)! So here’s a funny story from the Fray house: Lydia has been waking up in the middle of the night a lot lately, usually due to scary dreams. While it’s sad that she has these dreams (and a little annoying to be woken up at all hours of the night to comfort her), some of the dreams have made for some great comic relief. For instance, last night Lydia woke up at about 3am crying and calling for daddy. Matt stumbled through the darkness towards Lydia’s bedroom and said, “Lydia, what’s wrong? Did you have a scary dream?” Between sniffles, Lydia said, “Yeah, the chickens…the chickens…the chickens took Hudson’s jacket and then they pushed me down!” Matt said, “Well, how did that happen? Were they big chickens?” Lydia said, “No, just mean chickens…mean chickens!” As he tried not to laugh at her (she’s a little sensitive about that), Matt instructed her that in all future dreams where chickens of normal size are involved, she is allowed to just kick them if they are ever mean to her. Then he prayed with her and they asked Jesus to help her not have any more scary dreams. 

Children: A Heritage from the Lord

As Matt has already mentioned, my most recent chemotherapy treatment definitely took a toll on me. But God has blessed me tremendously by using this portion of my cancer journey to open my eyes to the blessings that I have in my children. Since I have not been feeling well we have spent most of our time at home. I have enjoyed watching them and playing with them. Yes, they require hard work, they fight, they make huge messes, they demand a lot, and let’s just be honest…they are just plain sinners! But they continually amaze me with how they show love, what they understand, how they make me (and each other) laugh, and what they say.

Lydia (3 and ½)

It has been neat to see Lydia grow in her understanding of her world and her God. For instance, she is rapidly picking up on the details of daily life. The other day I was on the phone with Matt and as I hung up Lydia said, “Was that Matt…I mean daddy?” Then she looked up from her toy she was playing with and said…”I’m texting!” Where did she learn about texting? J Lydia is also growing in her sensitivity to serious life issues. She is very aware of the fact that when I go to the doctors I am sick for many days afterwards. I have tried to let her know when that will happen so that she is not surprised. But she hasn’t quite figured out how long it will take for me to get better. The other day she asked me the other day if my hair would be back when I came home from the doctor. Best of all, Lydia is beginning to grasp the Gospel. Last week our family was sitting by the fire having devotions. We were reading the story of Nicodemus and how Jesus told him he must be born again. Matt and I noticed that Lydia’s attention was more focused than normal. Not only was she still and attentive to the story, but she asked a lot of questions about what it means to be born again. As he had done many times before, Matt explained that being born again means that Jesus gives you a new heart and that He lives in your new heart – forgiving you for your sin and helping you love and obey God. This time Lydia quickly asked if Jesus could come and live in her heart. It was amazing to sit there and watch – as if in slow motion – how God opened the eyes of her heart to the Gospel. Her faith is childlike, but in many ways that’s just how Jesus wants it: “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it (Mark 10:15).”

Hudson (2)

Hudson is my comedian. I will be honest and say that he is quite a challenge for me. But I am slowly understanding how he understandings things and how I can relate to him and communicate with him more effectively.  I have been going over three key questions with Hudson.  Question #1: What is your name?  Question #2: How old are you?  Question #3: Who made you?  Sometimes when answering these questions his wires get a little crossed.  If I ask Hudson what is name is his response is, "God".  When I ask him how old he is, he responds, "Huson".  Then I will ask him who made him and he says, "two".   It gives him great joy to make me laugh. He loves to come and give hugs and kisses…especially to his brother Samuel. 

Samuel (3 months)

Samuel has brought me so much joy with his newfound smiling and laughing. He smiles all the time now and I hope that smile will not fade as he grows older. I am sure it will stick as long has he has Hudson as his brother. J  He loves to be entertained by his brother and sister. And loves to "talk" to me as I play with him. 

Facing this illness has made me want to appreciate the little things in life so much more.  God has graciously allowed me to do that with my kids. I pray for them evey day. I pray that they will have good relationships in their lives. I pray that they will love people and each other through their actions and their words. I pray for their health and safety. And most importantly, I pray that they will each grow to know and love their Savior Jesus Christ.

“Children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.”

Psalm 127:3 

Moments of Joy

Here are a few pictures representing the moments of joy God blessed me with this week...

Yes, that's Hudson with an apron and necklaces...what a manly man!

Samuel enjoyed his first Thanksgiving...maybe next year he can enjoy some turkey.

My sweet seven week-old boy!

Hudson the gymnast...the kid can hang on like that for at least 30 seconds!

We thought the kids might get excited learning the story of Jesus' birth by dressing up like the characters!

Lydia and Hudson decorating our Christmas tree.

Lydia and Hudson decorating our Christmas tree.

Sisters...being sisters.

It was a huge help and encouragement to have my two sisters in town this week!

"Sammy's Mommy Has Cancer"

Lydia has been very interested in everything going on with me…especially my hair. We decided it would be good to find a creative, visual way to explain my health to her in a way that she can understand. I found a book online called Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer. That title was just perfect considering the fact that I have my own little Sammy! J When we received it we all sat down and read it together. It is a very simple, clear story of the cancer process in a way young children can grasp. The mom in the story even got chemo THEN surgery like me! The illustrations were good as well.

A few days ago I woke up and was not wearing a hat and all of the sudden Lydia came running into the room. This was the first time Lydia saw my head with NO hair at all. She looked at me for a minute and didn't say anything. I was worried at first that she was going to be upset. But then all of a sudden she got really excited and ran out of the room. She went and got the book and opened to the page where the mom had no hat or hair. She looked at me with the book and said, “Mommy you look just like the mommy in the book!” It is neat to see just how perceptive Lydia is and to see how God is being gracious to help my 3 year-old understand and accept what is happening to me. 

"Magical" Day Fourteen

Apparently there is something special about the fourteenth day after chemotherapy begins. I was told by the doctor that my hair should start falling out sometime between the tenth and fourteenth days after my first treatment. A few ladies I talked with who have gone through breast cancer thing told me that day fourteen seemed to be some kind of “magical” day that hair falls out. So in the middle of the night last night I woke up in a panic realizing that today was day fourteen! Would my hair begin to fall out today!? I woke Matt up (or at least I tried to wake him up) and he promptly told me to go back to sleep…

Well sure enough, the next morning there the hair went down the shower drain! Not all of it, but it was definitely the beginning. It really made my cancer feel much more real. So I decided to get out all my hats and scarves so that I can try to keep my head warm during this holiday season. It is one thing to have to try to match a shirt with pants, but when you have to try to coordinate an outfit with a hat…well, let’s just say I might be mismatching for a while J

I went in for yet another MRI today. The MRI was to look at my spine which has been causing pain in my back for a while. It is hard for me to distinguish what pain and symptoms are caused by postpartum pregnancy and what could be related to the cancer or chemo. The doctors are not very concerned that the back pain is another tumor, but it is protocol for them to check it out if I am experiencing pain. So I went in for my third MRI in a month. This time was better because I was able to take some medicine to help me relax while in “the tube.”

The MRI itself went well, but as soon as I came out I had hives covering my head to toes. Matt said my ears were as red as fire trucks! I explained to the nurses that I had hives after the last MRI and all the doctors told me it was probably caused by stress (though I really didn’t feel stressed at all). They gave me two large doses of Benadryl through an IV on top of the sedation medicine I took for the MRI…needless to say, I was a bit loopy. The nurses finally came to the conclusion that it was the MRI dye that had caused my hives. I didn’t say it out loud, but I wanted to say, “Told you so!” At least next time I get an MRI I can take something to help prevent the allergic reaction.

With the Thanksgiving holiday this week, we may not hear the MRI results until next week. At this point, I am not as worried about the MRI results as I am about going in for my second chemo treatment next Tuesday. I think Matt is going to have to drag me there by my “hair” now that I know what is coming! But as I am tempted to worry or despair about this process, I must remember that God will be faithful to help me escape that temptation as He comforts me with His truth, goodness, and love. As I continue on this journey, my prayer is that Matt and I will be able to remember and speak of those realities faithfully. 

P.S.  I just found out that there was nothing of concern on my MRI!! Praise the Lord.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

I Did It...It's Gone!

I finally decided it was time to let go of my hair. My doctor had told me it should start coming out in the next couple days and suggested shaving it before that starts to happen. I kept putting it off because in the back of my mind I kept wondering, “Will it actually fall out? What if I am the one exception to the rule? What if this whole thing is just a dream and I wake up and find that I have cut all my hair out?”

Well…a rational voice (my husband) whispered in my ear and told me to stop worrying and just do it. I spent the afternoon with a good friend who helped me to prepare me for this event (and took these great pictures). And Matt, wonderful and thoughtful husband that he is, set up a "beauty salon" in the garage. He wanted to make sure that the atmosphere was right for this occasion. Lydia, Hudson and Samuel took their seats so they could watch as mommy got a really cool hair cut. I do hope that they don’t decide to play barber shop tomorrow!



The first snip was the hard to watch (the fateful moment is pictured to the left), but then it was kind of fun to see my new hairstyle evolve. In the end, Matt trimmed it down to the recommended length of a mere ½ inch.

All in all we had a fun time. Taking this step in the process just makes me remember that true beauty is not on the outside. God looks at the heart and that is what matters.

  

“Man looks on the outward appearance, 

but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Samuel  16:7  

Wig Shopping

Matt and I went "wig shopping" today. I will probably begin losing my hair in about two weeks and my doctors recommended finding a wig (or "cranial prosthesis" as they call it) as soon as possible. It was a very interesting experience finding out about the different types of wigs, how to wear them, how to care for them, etc. Our first stop was the American Cancer Society which has free used wigs available for cancer patients. They had a very large and diverse selection, so we couldn't help trying on a few just for fun. Be sure to vote for your favorite look on the survey to the right! Even though losing my hair will be emotionally and physically difficult, it is nice to be able to share some funny moments with my husband along the way.

I did end up getting a wig that might work (and just for the record, it is not one of the wigs in the survey). In fact, the folks at the American Cancer Society referred me to a hairstylist in Savannah that specializes in styling wigs - and he offers his services for free to cancer patients. So we took him the wig...it was pretty bizarre to sit in a beauty salon getting my "hair" done!